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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Your thoughts on what is going on here? Bedroom related with newish man.

45 replies

Dusktildawnone · 11/04/2022 22:02

It's not all that new (6 months in) and he has never ejaculated. I must admit at the beginning I wondered if it was me but for him to still want to see me I then thought it Can't be plus the fact this has never happened in previous relationships.

He seemed embarrassed the first couple of times. Now he seems to just get on with it. It just seems so unfinished so to speak. I've also noticed that when he gets hard he rushes straight to intercourse but is happy to just give oral and always ensures I'm satisfied. This is another reason that I don't think it is me otherwise why would he bother.

OP posts:

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 12/04/2022 06:07

If you are having sex with him you should be able to talk to him!

secretsqizzle · 12/04/2022 07:23

@Aquamarine1029

Run for your life. This issue will become HUGE. Get out before you get too invested.

What a beautiful and compassionate piece of advice to someone having a physical difficulty in their relationship..

I imagine you believe a woman having difficulties coming to orgasm is equally to be cast aside ? Silly me. I didn't realise that having a complication with sexual function made you underserving of a romantic relationship !

Watchkeys · 12/04/2022 08:16

@Aquamarine1029

Run for your life. This issue will become HUGE. Get out before you get too invested.

So dramatic. My female partner didn't have orgasms for a while at the start of our relationship. We worked on it, talked about it, and found a way round it.

It's not an indication of a poor character. Unless you think that all that matters about a man is his ability to have an orgasm?

Pleaseaddcaffine · 12/04/2022 08:33

My fella has this its antidepressents. He can but it literally takes hours and hours. I am very satisifed and we havw a vwry active sex life, its about enjoying yourself not always the end result!
Talk to them

anotherdisaster · 12/04/2022 13:45

I've had this with 2 guys I've dated and one was an alcoholic and the other one was borderline alcoholic (yes I do pick them). Not saying that's the reason but it could be too much drinking or medication. If it bothers you then ask him but really its his problem to sort out if he is bothered by it.

redbigbananafeet · 12/04/2022 13:53

@Dusktildawnone

Does he orgasm at all? Does he finish himself off

I've never thought about that. Why would he not finish himself off? I'm confused by the whole situation

My partner has a right foreskin (which is now being addressed) so used to struggle to finish through lack of sensation. We talked about it and if and how he finishes himself. Now after intercourse if he hasn't come I finish him off by hand. He's your partner. Talk to him.

redbigbananafeet · 12/04/2022 13:56

*^ tight

mycatisannoying · 12/04/2022 14:14

Until recently, I was a member of a very sexually liberated forum group. The men on there used to get very frustrated at women being disappointed when they didn't come. They insisted that cumming was just a part of the whole experience, and didn't hugely matter in the grand scheme of things. They wished that their partners didn't take it personally, and the men still loved giving and receiving pleasure. So you may find that slightly reassuring from a male point of view!
However, I'm a bit like you OP. I tend to focus on the end result and feel like I've done something wrong - or haven't been 'enough' - if they don't cum.
It's a really tricky one, especially if the guy isn't transparent and honest about it.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 12/04/2022 15:53

There are loads of reasons, have a read around delayed Ejaculation, as that’s the general issue, can be caused by meds, health conditions, injuries to the area, result of cancer treatment etc.

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/delayed-ejaculation/symptoms-causes/syc-20371358

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 12/04/2022 15:55

@RantyAunty

I wouldn't waste any more of your time with him.

Would you give that advice to a man who’s female partner was struggling to orgasm then ?

RantyAunty · 12/04/2022 16:15

Would you give that advice to a man who’s female partner was struggling to orgasm then ?

Why would I be giving a man advice about his partner?

Suprima · 12/04/2022 16:37

God who cares if the shoe was on the other foot, if it was a woman etc- it’s not!

He’d have to be really bloody special and add a lot to value to my life if I were to deal with these weird sex issues 6 months in

I seriously doubt it will improve

Whose · 12/04/2022 16:39

Sounds like my ex.
If his initials are JTN, then run as fast and far as you can.
(Not for the sex thing, but because he's a con man and a theif)

Watchkeys · 12/04/2022 16:42

@Suprima

God who cares if the shoe was on the other foot, if it was a woman etc- it’s not!

He’d have to be really bloody special and add a lot to value to my life if I were to deal with these weird sex issues 6 months in

I seriously doubt it will improve

Not being able to orgasm isn't a 'weird sex issue', it's very common, and can be caused by a variety of different things.

The closed-mindedness on this thread is disturbing.

He hasn't complained once and is keen to make sure OP is satisfied herself. He's hardly a demon.

OrlandointheWilderness · 12/04/2022 16:43

Have you spoken to him about it?

hamstersarse · 12/04/2022 16:44

How old is he? And is he 'in shape'?

TedMullins · 12/04/2022 17:15

@Suprima

God who cares if the shoe was on the other foot, if it was a woman etc- it’s not!

He’d have to be really bloody special and add a lot to value to my life if I were to deal with these weird sex issues 6 months in

I seriously doubt it will improve

This is really nasty. Of course it matters “if the shoe was on the other foot”, because if these closed minded attitudes towards men who can’t orgasm are fine, then it stands to reason it’s fine to think the same about women who can’t (it isn’t, of course).

How does him not orgasming affect your enjoyment of sex? I can’t see how it would. It’s really judgemental to write him off for this when it might be something out of his control.

Dairymilk50 · 12/04/2022 17:19

@RantyAunty

I wouldn't waste any more of your time with him.

Don't pay any mind to this OP.

Its not clear OP... do you foreplay with HIM...? Before you have intercourse... I think you should ask him also. 6 months isn't that long.

PermanentTemporary · 12/04/2022 17:29

Of course someone else not orgasming can affect your enjoyment. Seeing someone else get pleasure from sex with you and lose control is erotic. I spent 32 years having sex without orgasming and yes to be fair my partners did seem to manage to enjoy themselves without that they would definitely have preferred it if I had.

TedMullins · 13/04/2022 17:18

You can enjoy sex without orgasming though, or having the other person orgasm. It’s not the sole purpose of sex. Closeness and intimacy can be had without orgasm or even PIV sex. If there’s attraction on both parts and willingness to work with the other person and their needs/preferences, I don’t really see why it’s a problem. If he was refusing to have sex in general, or dismissing OP’s needs then fine, but she hasn’t said he’s doing that.

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