First family visit since fall out. Say my piece or let it be?

[Tinwhistler]

My dad has form for being...tactless. At least, that's that's excuse we've made for him over the years.

I should say first off that I grew up very much a daddy's girl and that he has done a lot for me over the years. If I ever needed dosh for example he always helped out. Even getting me on the property ladder. And he doesn't hold that over my head or anything.

But...on a few occasions over the years he has come out with some less than choice phrases. Eg: 'you were a smart wee baby...it's only when you got older you got stupid' and (of love, when I said I was just looking for company) 'oh that's good, I thought you were stupid (a romantic) like your mother'

Last time he was here, he told me I 'had achieved nothing with my life". Obviously that hurt.
Its not the first time he has done this. About 7 years back he did the same. Like then, it was just as he was about to leave. So both times, left me in a state of upset.

This time, I actually saw it coming on and told him to drop the discussion twice. Then left the room but he followed me and continued. He said it a few times.

I can't say that I am ambitious or particularly high achieving. But I like me. And what hurts the most is not that this is a blow to my self esteem. Its that I want to love my father...but every time I see him, I'm wary that he will say or do something to make me love him less. So I'd honestly rather just not see him.

I also, want to protect myself from it.

We have spoken on the phone since and I basically just acted as if it didn't happen. As if I was over it. But i told my mum I'd honestly be perfectly happy never to spend more than a few hours here and there with him again. I certainly don't want him in my home as I can never gage what mood he will be in and what he is going to say.

But they are needing to be near something, so they are due to come stay here for a few days again. My mum has high blood pressure and I don't want to put her in the middle of things. So I just conceeded.

Here's the thing, if you've made it this far. I'm thinking of telling him that if he ever speaks to me like he did last time again - he'll be out on his arse. That I dont give a flying fig if if things I've achieved nothing with my life. That whatever have insecurities he has about himself, he shouldnt project onto me. And that if he doesn't have anything nice to say, he shouldn't bloody well say it.

But...I dunno if I should or if I should just try and keep out of their road as much as possible and if he does ever start on that bs again, THEN say it. I dunno basically, if I'd be cutting off my nose to spite my face. Upsetting myself with no need to, you know.

So...would you have a bloody word with him? Or would you hold off and just hope there is no need to?

Sorry, that was long.

Lol I actually don't want kids pp (of my own at least). Which may be part of his issue with me infact. That I'm showing no signs of 'settling down'.

But you're absolutely right in that I would want my children to just be happy. To know that dreams and ambitions are wonderful things but that it's also OK to just, be. That we all have different paths to tread and needn't all fit into the same box for what to do with our lives. And that success come in many forms but that the biggest success is to be able to love ourselves and strive to live our lives as we choose. Perhaps I'm a bit of a hippy really xD

You say he always made you feel special growing up (daddy girl in your words) , helped out more than once with money, helped get you a house, so it makes sense he'd want you to take that help and build it forwards into something.
Would you have been able to find a house without his help?
It sounds like he had hoped you'd build in what he started, not coast with it.

Hmm I wouldn't say made me feel special exactly lol. Its just that little girls look up to their dads. I think I always wanted to win his approval. But he always had a habit of negging behaviour, looking back.

I didn't actually want a house at the time
I wanted to travel xD

But yes I do agree that he probably wanted me to strive and build. But, I am who I am. And it is what it is. And who ever I'm going to be, is up to me and someone i want to become because I choose it. Not because its whats expected of me. We don't live in the 1900s after all. And I don't remember signing any contract that said helping me get a home or being born to someone meant I owed anyone a say in my adult life choices.

Perhaps that sounds inconsiderate. But the fact is I've made compromises over the years so as not to seem ungreatful or to rock the boat and the fact is, he's never happy either way.

It'll be a comment about my job or about my weight or about something else.

So there comes a time were I have to push back. No matter how much you do for someone, I don't think it gives you the right to be cruel to them after all.