Grandparents

[Fairylightsforever23]

When my children we babies and toddlers, my mil barely saw my children. Maybe once every 2 or 3 mths despite living close, being healthy, youngish and having 4 days a week off. Rarely offered any support, though quick to ask for it and I often felt she kept her options open in case a more exciting option was available. When we did see her she'd make cutting comment thinking it's all good "banter" when I fact it was awkward and not nice. 🙄 Comments like, "ee you've cleaned the kitchen" laughing, which when you've been up all night with a newborn and 2yr old is not particularly amusing." I'm so tired I've been out all week with friends" then lie across the sofa for a nap!!!! When I had barely showered for days and my youngest was up 6 times a night. Last month it was to my hubby, "you've put on weight, you've got a double chin! "These comments come with a giggle and it honestly pees us off as everytime one of them comes we dread it and we are waiting for the next crapy comment. We've told her but she just says we are sensitive and to chill out.

As babies it was joked they were too young at 60 to be a grandparent and it was "their time." Which is fair enough, but now the hard part is finally coming to an end, they've recently decided now the kids are easier they want in and want to go on adventures.

The thing is I struggled and got met with, I did it on my own so you need to... I didn't see them for months at a time whilst they had "their time" for 6yrs! We've never had a night out, rarely asked her to babysit unless it's been a very serious emergency. Wee don't expect childcare at all... though a once a year offer on a special occasion would of been such a lovely gesture. Offers made have always been a false offer made in front of others then unable to ever be taken. She even suggested a restaurant she'd been to lately and then said mid sentence oh no you couldnt go as you've the children, sorry. She goes out herself several times a week and I'm happy for her but comments like you can't go are not nice.

So last month she contacted me. Said all her friends were now seeing their grandkids and now they were older and easier she wanted to see them more. But honestly I feel now its "my time!" My time to enjoy them without the nappy bag and tantrums and I really begrudge her wanting in now they've started school and I've only 2 days a week with them both. I am happy with the arrangements she made coming every 3 mths and whilst I'm happy to see her maybe once a month I'm not willing yo up the visits further.

Meanwhile my parents who were around once a fortnight are still seeing them once a fortnight. Mil has pointed this out but she was the one who wanted "her time." And unfortunately we are now settled and made our own routine and support system that she didn't want part of. Hubby says it's easier to just play to her tune but I'm resentful and I'm struggling to meet this new interest without being annoyed and resentful. I'm thinking once a month is my limit unless he wishes to take them, which I know he wont!

I know mil is trying to make an effort but I can't help thinking no you left us high and dry when they were tiny as they werent fun as she put it. So now they are it's tough luck. I'm not liking the entitled I'm the grandmother attitude... no you did your own thing for yrs! This was yr choice.

Just really wondering what others would do? And suggestions to get over my deep feelings of being let down and hurt by her. I'm not prepared to discuss this with her as I know she doesn't do heart to hearts as its "not fun." But I do feel she loves to ride in the limousine and come to the party but when we are riding in the banger or up the creak without a float she's nowhere to be seen. Has anyone got past the mil who changed her mind now the "hard boring baby" bit was done?

I think I’d tell her what you’ve told us. Why should she get the good bits now they’re out of nappies and can look after themselves reasonably well? Most new parents would love some support in the early days and for her to recommend the restaurant then say you can’t go due to the dc is pretty outrageous. I think most grandparents would automatically offer to have the kids.

I'd consider what is best for the children.
If that's to see their grandma then I would facilitate it.
I totally get where you're coming from though. You're right to be annoyed.

I wouldn’t say anything to her. There’d be no point. If she says anything about your DPs seeing more of the DC, I’d just say it’s what the DC are used to.

“I'm thinking once a month is my limit unless he wishes to take them, which I know he wont!” Sounds perfect.

I wouldn't say anything out loud, but I'd definitely be saying Fuck Off on the inside. If your husband wants them to see the grandchildren more, he can facilitate it. I would not cater to these people.

She sounds so immature! I would baulk at letting her in now to “have fun”. So rude too. She could shove it up her arse for me. Let your DH take the DC if he wants. You already know he won’t. You reap what you sow with families.

Remember resentment is like drinking your own poison so try to stop that if possible as by holding that grudge you have become slightly bitter (I understand why though)

Also yes I would let her have the children. Let her deal with them while you head off on great nights out/hotel stays/nice restaurants etc

There’s no negatives to the situation really - everything is all about perception.

Word of caution though - don’t get too excited as this new approach might all be chatter - perhaps there is no real intent from her!

I think she honestly feels like grandparents should be respected, waited on, cherished, made a fuss off and should enjoy the children with no responsibility. But honestly juggling work, kids and a home on my own I don't have time to wait on her when she's not frail, elderly and is indeed fantastic health! Course I'll put the kettle on and grab her some cake but there is nothing stopping her washing up her mug or taking it to the kitchen esp when I was changing nappies, feeding and managing a 2yr old. And she can have the no responsibility and just enjoy the children role, just not now every few weeks as the are more fun.

Once a month sounds fine to me. And yes, if your DH thinks it should be more, he can take them!

Oh she doesn't want them on her own! She still doesn't want any responsibility just to join in the fun on our days out!

I think I would try to meet her half way. Increase a little but not too much. Also I wouldn't let her have them alone unless kids are settled with her. But I would pull her up on shitty comments. It seems like she wants you more than you want her. Also bare in mind novelty may wear off. And in not too many years they will be teens and have less interest in gps.

No just no. My parents wanted nothing to do with them when they were little and were downright abusive again all
About them and their holidays and their life. Eldest hit 12 and acts like 10 is kind considerate very bright and well behaved and they wanted her but not her brother who was younger and not as easy. She went to them for a bit but soon judged them herself as highly controlling and stopped contact.
I’ve just taken her away to visit an old uni friend for a beach holiday and honestly had a blissful 4 days with her. Lovely time and nope I’m glad they don’t get it and on their terms.

They could have had them for a evening a month when they were little etc but didn’t so they don’t get them now. You reap what you sow.

@Fairylightsforever23

Oh she doesn't want them on her own! She still doesn't want any responsibility just to join in the fun on our days out!

Well that’s a no then. You get your own special memories of days out. She sounds like she would ruin it for you and dh.

Can’t you just grey rock her- ie nod along and never actually invite her or indeed tell her you’re going anywhere until you’ve got back?

@Fairylightsforever23

Oh she doesn't want them on her own! She still doesn't want any responsibility just to join in the fun on our days out!

@Fairylightsforever23 Did you not laugh in her face?? I think id have slapped her

@Fairylightsforever23 maybe let her tag along on a day out in the school holidays at most, once a month? No!

Absolutely no advice, but just coming on to say that both sets of parents here are the same. Frustrates the tits off me and if I get thinking about it too much I'll scream. You are not on your own, OP!!

No way does she get to infringe on your days out! If she wants to see them and DH wants to facilitate this then I’d agree, but not taking her on your days out with them. I agree with PP who said just nod along and agree but then never actually invite her, this works with my MiL. It’s probably all talk on her part anyway. Also, I had a grandmother like this and by the time I was about 14/15 I’d sussed her out for myself and refused to go and visit her so your kids will work it out on their own time.

Sounds a lot like my MIL. Didn’t see or even really speak to her son (my OH) for over a year, randomly messaged him to ask to take our then 2yo son away without us for the weekend! The same 2yo she’d seen about 3 times in his life and showed zero interest in 99.9% of the time. How about absolutely not.

Grandparents that aren’t there for support (be that just emotional support which you MIL definitely has not been or more practical support) don’t then suddenly get to decide that they want to be heavily involved because it’s “convenient”. I absolutely understand not wanting to do childcare stuff on the regular, but to basically not be involved at all and then to suddenly decide they want to be isn’t on.

Also the “not old enough to be a grandparent at 60” is absolutely hilarious. My step mum was 34 when I had my eldest and has always very much been nanny to him and never tried to pretend otherwise. I didn’t catch her complaining I’d made her a nanny at 34! My own mum was 44, equally zero complaints about being “too young”.

Just keep things as they are.

If she ask for more visits, then nod and smile but don't arrange any. Just like her empty words in front of others when you really needed help.

She sounds like a bit of a prat, tbh with her rude comments passed off as jokes. Why would yo want to expose yourself or your dcs to more of that?

I wouldn’t give up much of my time with the children if it’s limited and you desperately want to spend that time with them yourself, perhaps the odd day but they’re your children to enjoy. At the same time I think you and her were just on different pages when it came to banter and expectations. Sorry I don’t get this idea that grandparents should be doing the hard slog of the early years. I’ve got a toddler myself whom I love looking after (with breaks!) but the thought of looking after anyone else’s baby or toddler fills me with dread and certainly not something I enjoy but would do for friends and grandchildren in an emergency or if they came to me and said they just weren’t coping. Couldn’t you have got a babysitter or used a nursery/childminder, to give you a break? People who actually want to do that role. If it were my children I’d rather they came to me and asked for the money direct for that then sit secretly resenting the fact being a baby/toddler childminder is the last job I’d want to do. I absolutely love and adore my grandchildren and love seeing them, giving them a cuddle, watching them play etc and do feel a special bond with them but the relationship is different to that of my own babies. I’d be heartbroken not looking after my own babies but I just don’t feel that with other peoples babies, including my own grandchildren.
Wasn’t being a grandparent about getting to do the bits of parenting you enjoy, after having already been through all the hard work of actual parenthood! I’m super looking forward to taking my grandchildren on days out etc when they are older, just as my grandparents did with me. Hope my children won’t have the same attitude.

Urgh my mum and mil are both in the mind set of because I had to do it so do you! It's really odd I will never do that with my child. My mum has done it all my life even before children. Can't imagine either wanting to offer childcare, just feel sorry for my child. Maybe ask the children what they would like, and if you can drop them off and have some time to yourself or they could help over holidays, not easy.

Sorry but I’d not be inviting someone to my days out who would probably ruin it with barbed comments and expect looking after. She will have to get see insta photos some other way

Tell your husband that throwing you under the bus and bowing to her demands will not equal a quiet life for him at all.

She's made her bed and you don't want anything to do with her due to her actions. You will not be socialising with her because you don't want to.

Nah. She sounds nasty. I can't stand people who pass off nasty comments as "banter" or "jokes". They're usually the first to bleat victim when someone does it to them.

Nope, not a chance. To start with I would be worried about her ‘banter’ towards my children. She seems to be a horrible combination of selfish and nasty, not something I would want anywhere near my children.

She is clearly only interested to brag to her friends about what a wonderful GP she is, I would ignore and stay with the limited contact she has had up until now.

She cant be calling the shots now not nice. Op keep plans vague of days out. We had zero help. She has got very entitled now at 80. I dont pander to it. You reap what u sow