Think mother is a narcissist... What to do next?

[Blippymyblippy]

My mother has come to stay, and as usual I have a feeling that something is off. I always end up feeling defensive and attacked, and then feel bad because my mum is so happy to be here etc.

She always turns any conversation back to herself, will occasionally ask questions but doesn't let me finish my answer - she just waits until she has an in to talk about herself again. She has always said that I am very oversensitive and overreact to things. She often talks about how wonderful my childhood was, and at times she has pressed me to recount my wonderful memories; once, we had been drinking wine together and I actually told her the truth about some of the things she said to me (ruined her relationships, only looked after me because she was obliged to etc) and I felt awful afterwards in case I had hurt her feelings but she didn't seem to remember.

Cut to today, and two things stand out. We were at the playground with my children (aged 6 and 3) and a toddler pushed them to get to the slide. My 6 year old was unhappy to have been pushed, so we talked about it and what is the correct behaviour at the playground etc. All the while my mum was rolling her eyes and saying, but the child was younger than you! It was barely a push!

And then we bumped into a friend of mine, and in the course of the conversation my mum made a joke. I referred jokingly to the joke a minute later and received an outraged, 'that's nasty!' in response from my mum. Fair enough, I thought, I am nasty, and I often say the wrong thing by mistake. But then I thought I'd test something out, so after my friend had left, I asked my mum what she thought was nasty about what I had said, and she told me that she had never called me nasty, she wouldn't do that.

So.... Now I'm thinking that's maybe the evidence I need that it's not just me, that this incessant niggling over the years, all these fun 'jokes' about how I'm fat and ugly etc etc maybe weren't just me being oversensitive. Maybe she's a proper narcissist.

Part of me feels like jumping for joy, as I feel like maybe I'm not this awful person who's just mean to my wonderful, lovely, kind mum.

And the other part of me wonders, what do I do next? And especially with my children, as they love their gran but the older one is starting to pick up on the little comments and they are confusing her. Do I need to explain to her? Or to protect her?

I've not posted on here before but have read some brilliant advice so hoping you can help me make sense of it all. Thanks

I agree kindtomyself

Your inner voice is likely your 'critical parent' and my therapist has helped enormously to get me to notice and realise the long and embedded impact of having a mother like mine and yours (whether they are narcissistic or not)

Sorry, I meant I had ordered 'Toxic Families', not 'Toxic Parents'

@DoubleChinWoes2 your mother sounds a lot like mine, having had a bad childhood. And the guilt you feel as well. I have justified my mother's behaviour for so many years, thinking that she deserved my empathy because she had a rough time. Happy for you that therapy is helping you to come out of the other side of it

Hi OP, you have my sympathy as your Mum sounds very similar to mine and yes, she definitely has narcissistic traits.
It’s very hard even now for me to label her a narcissist without feeling extremely guilty as I can see kindness in her too.
However throughout my childhood she spent half the time giving me chocolate to keep me entertained in my room/out from under her feet and then spent the rest of the time telling me how fat I was.
She won’t talk to me at a family event if she is embarrassed by how I look in what I am wearing (perfectly normal, smart casual clothes) and will talk to my skinny pretty relations only and gush over them.
She totally ignored my engagement but posted all about my niece going abroad on FB.
She has never ever been happy for me in any momentous life occasions - buying house, starting business, becoming pregnant etc.
When I was very young she would tell me sad stories from her childhood or talk about what if I had no mummy or daddy just to get me to cry, then “made it all better” by saying that at least that wasn’t the case and how great she is.
She calls me strange, weird, over sensitive, rude, doesn’t ever like my response to anything.
Even acts of kindness from her are sometimes not what they appear - she will buy a whole load of shit in the sale that we don’t need and insist on bringing it over because she enjoys shopping and coming over gives her something to do. If we don’t act appropriately about the shit she’s bought she will be angry. Ok that last one doesn’t sound too bad written down but if you’re the daughter of a narc you’ll get it.

Anyway those are just a few examples but the only way I can cope is to be low contact.
Now she has started sending trawling my FB to send me daily photos of when I was the slimmest I’ve ever been and pointing out how good I looked then. (In other words emphasising that I don’t look like that now) so I may have to somehow go even lower contact.

Even if your Mum realises what she’s saying she will never ever change or feel bad about what she does unlike like we would.
It’s up to you to take control of how much time you spend with her. Sounds like she’s already using you for emotional support which my Mum tries all the time but I completely ignore it and respond in a matter of fact way. I refuse to tell her how wonderful she is when she made me feel like utter shit for so much of my life! (Apologies for maybe projecting a bit there).
Good luck OP, you don’t have to put up with it.

@itseweasy I'm so sorry about everything your mum has done to you; it's awful and absolutely unforgivable. You're a very kind person indeed for being able to recognise some goodness in her. I hope you find a way to go even lower contact and save yourself more heartache.

I'm very lucky - in a way - as my mother has chosen my brother as the scapegoat and me as the perfect child so, although she nitpicks at me in private, in public she has to make a show of how close we are. It feels fake and uncomfortable, but nothing compared to what you (and others here) have to go through

You know how you often see posted on here "women are not rehab centres for broken men"?....well, daughters aren't rehab centres for parents with broken childhoods, either.

I am not responsible for my mother's 'shit' childhood (I have that in brackets because I only have her word that it was, and she's a terrible liar) and I can't fix it...it just isn't my responsibillity.

I remember my mother got very angry one Christmas, when we went to visit my grandmother and I made the mistake of telling her how generous Father Christmas had been...that was the day I found out he didn't exist! I was 5, hadn't even started primary school...

'well, daughters aren't rehab centres for parents with broken childhoods, either.'

Very well said. So many parents like these expect their children to provide all the meaning in their life, to be whoever the parent needs them to be, and don't see them as separate individuals in their own right. It's unbelievably destructive. You do have to make your parents happy, you do not owe them that