Confused about my relationship

[Starlight100]

I'm not sure if I just need a good shake or if this is something I should actually do something about. This may be long, sorry.

I was in an on/off FWB situation for a few years. Admittedly I got more attached than I should have, but I never asked about turning things into an actual relationship because I was scared of losing him altogether, and he never seemed interested in that anyway. That aside, we're really good friends and still get on well.

Last summer I met my boyfriend. We got together pretty quickly, and he only lives a couple of streets away so he stays over pretty much every night. He hasn't moved in, but keeps some stuff here (toiletries etc).

Eventually he met my friends, including ex-FWB. He knows the history with ex-FWB and is okay with it, he doesn't feel threatened and doesn't mind me hanging out with him, though when I see him it's as part of a group, not one on one.

A couple of weeks ago we all went away (group of 8) to a different city to see a band. After we came back to the hotel some of the group, including my boyfriend, went to bed. Me, ex-FWB and another friend stayed up drinking in other friend's room.

At some stage, ex-FWB said that when he heard that I'd got together with my boyfriend, he kind of realised that actually, he did want me, and it had taken someone else being with me to realise that (this wasn't exactly what he said as I can't remember word for word, but it's the gist). He's said something similar the last couple of times I've seen him, though in a jokey tone so I didn't think much of it. But now he's said it a few times I think he means it.

I'm just not sure what to do now. If I was single I'd probably say to him, okay, we can give this a try and see what happens, but I'm not. I've also started questioning how happy I am with my boyfriend. There are a few things about him that irritate me, but what's probably the most worrying is that I can't picture any big life events with him, like marriage, babies etc.

As for ex-FWB, I kind of want to ask him if he meant what he said, because if he did then I need to work out what I want to do about that, but really I can't do anything without sorting out how I feel about my boyfriend, and I'm not sure how to do that either.

TLDR: Ex-FWB likes me, I like him too but I have a boyfriend and now I'm questioning everything

Can you see big life events with the ex-FWB? One thing that would make me cautious is that he didn't really want a committed relationship with you until he couldn't have it. Why didn't he step up previously?

My instinct would be that your ex Fwb has got a case of "I don't want you but nobody else can have you".

I've experienced this with me in his role. I had a long standing Fwb. We were both clear that if would never get serious or exclusive. I absolutely did not want him (or anyone else). After a few years he met someone and got serious with her. I went through a bit of "Awwww, if he was going to fall in love, why wasn't it with me?" before giving my head a wobble and being happy for them.

I was not crass enough to start making comments like "oh I missed my chance" and I think your ex Fwb is being really disrespectful to do so.

Things will go one way or the other with your BF - I wouldn't pay any heed to what your ex has said and just carry on as you were.

We actually did talk about what would happen if I became pregnant. Not that we weren't careful, but we all know it's not 100%. But he said he'd thought about it and that he thought we'd have a good chance of making things work if we ended up having a baby. I've thought about it as well and I can picture it more easily with him than with my boyfriend.

I did ask him why he'd never said anything about how he felt before, and he told me that he hadn't been 100% sure how he felt, it kind of came and went for him a bit. I think he didn't want to lead me on if he wasn't sure himself. I know that doesn't make much sense since we were sleeping together, but as far as I knew all he wanted was FWB, so I didn't see it as being led on.

If he wasn't 100% sure something was holding him back. Cynic that I am, my guess would be that he liked the sex but didn't want any romantic commitment to you. And now he does, until he doesn't again.

When I met my DH it was obvious within a few months that we both wanted something long term. That's how it should be if you are trying to build something long term.

Sounds to me like he’s being a dog in the manger, suddenly missing the on tap sex because you now have a bf. It’s incredibly unfair of him to raise this with you now, he should never have done that because now, he’s caused you to doubt your relationship. Just remember that he dropped you and picked you up multiple times. Don’t let him do that to you again, you’re worth more.

and he told me that he hadn't been 100% sure how he felt, it kind of came and went for him a bit

If he can have a friendship with you, sex with you and STILL not be sure how he feels - he just isn't that into you. You shouldn't need to have a baby to be able to make a go of it! Or get a bf! Your personality, body, scent, laugh, sex should have been enough to make him fall in love with you. Without any doubts.

He's obviously lonely, and you were always his back up option if nothing better came along. Now you've moved on and he's scared of being left alone - so conveniently has decided he does have feelings.

Either way he's already sabotaged your relationship, by putting doubts in your head - so he's definitely not a friend either. And honestly, would you want to be with someone who only wants you because they now can't have you? What happens if he does meet a woman he's crazy about from the get go - do you really think he'll stick with you? He won't.

End things with your bf if you're not feeling it. My guess is you're still not over the ex FWB (you can't get over someone you see regularly) and your heart won't fall for anyone else until you are really, truly over him. Unless you take space from him, he'll always be in your thoughts making it impossible to fall for anyone else - because you'll always be comparing them to him.