Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Has anyone felt like this before a date?

20 replies

BlueIvy11 · 11/04/2022 12:46

So I don't know if this will make sense, I can't make sense of it myself.

I'm usually a very confident, secure person. Don't really have self doubt or low self esteem. I've been single 3 years. I'm very fussy who I meet due to my children. I want the best for them in every possible way.

I've got a date on Friday and he is such a great guy. We have been speaking for a few weeks (I've had a busy work schedule) He is 8 years older - I'm 30 he is 38. Great job, has his own home, no kids (which doesn't bother me) he's great looking too. He's very sweet, he took the time to plan the date with something fun to do and food at a restaurant, which is my favourite cuisine. He sent me links of a few things we could do. He seems genuinley excited to meet me.

I've just all of a sudden, felt not good enough. Like I have two kids ages 12 and 9. I have a good job and own home but my home isn't anything fancy, just a little 2 bed that needs work! I am slowly doing it. I just thought, why would he want me? He could go meet someone with less baggage couldn't he? I can manage to see him a couple days a week, he won't be happy with that will he? I don't know what on earth has come over me.

Has anyone had this before? I have no idea why I feel this way! I feel like I'm just trying to talk myself out of it cause I'm scared of the unknown after being single a while. I actually do like this man!. I'm being a massive idiot aren't I? I have just never felt like this before a date! I think I just need a slap haha

OP posts:

dontyoubother · 11/04/2022 12:48

Ah you're just having a wee wobble. It's natural. Sounds like you really like him and he sounds nice. Sort your self talk. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to your best mate/sister if she felt this way. Talk nicely to and about yourself internally. Give yourself some credit & try to enjoy it.

Notwithittoday · 11/04/2022 12:53

Yea this attitude is a sure fire way to see him off. Stop it!

I dated as a single mother and actually found it worked very well. Much better than when I was younger. I was too busy to be texting and on the phone all the time. I only had a babysitter one night a week. Nobody had an issue with it. In fact they were keener if anything.

Original poster

BlueIvy11 · 11/04/2022 13:22

Haha thanks for the bluntness! I need it. I thinks it because he's probably the first guy I'm actually really interested in and I'm being stupid over thinking it! He seems to have it all together but I know, most people seem that way on the outside looking in. Also cause I'm a single parent. I can't drop everything and be as spontaneous as a child free person. I'm being an idiot. I'd tell me friends the same thing you have, get out and enjoy it!

I spoke to my dad about it and he told me I'll scare him off this way! But he also told me that I'm more than enough for anyone. He was also quite pleased I'm actually going on a date haha I'm going to give myself a talking to and snap out of it. I don't want to self sabotage 😬 @notwithittoday he actually mentioned he liked the fact I'm busy and don't want to text all day everyday. We both work busy jobs and I really have not got the time to be on my phone all the time.

OP posts:

seensome · 11/04/2022 13:28

He does see something in you which makes him want to date to you! Maybe he prefers to date someone that seems more mature with their life together than someone that doesn't, just like what you see in him? Plus you must be attractive to him.

Original poster

BlueIvy11 · 11/04/2022 14:25

He has saidd he is attracted to me but he finds me interesting and I can hold down conversations. We also work in the same line of work so we can talk about that too. I think I'm just not used to somebody like this as previous dates have not been great at all. The men I've previously dated where very full of themselves and way over invested straight away. Whereas he isn't full on or anything. He just very relaxed and calm. It's refreshing! I am going on the date! I've got 4 days to snap out of it!

OP posts:

Original poster

BlueIvy11 · 16/04/2022 02:13

Just to update. I went on the date tonight and it was an absoloute disaster. He ended up drinking a ton of whiskey and wanted to go clubbing!! Then left me alone in a busy town centre as I told him I didn't think clubbing was an ideal thing when I didn't know who he was. He got really defensive and I didnt feel comfortable. Luckily I told my friends where I was and who I was with beforehand and they came and picked me up. I'm a little upset that someone would leave me alone in a situation like that but it's a lesson learnt. Think I will lay off the dating for a while as its put me off.

Feeling a little deflated but I'm glad he showed me who he was before I wasted more time on the idiot. I'm just abit shocked that a 37 year old fully grown ass man would sit there downing whisky like he was an 18 year old again 😩

OP posts:

pantsandpringles · 16/04/2022 03:13

Wow! Glad you got home safe! What a tosser 😐

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/04/2022 07:12

Don’t self sabotage and don’t put him in a pedestal !!!!
I mean that , we’ve all been guilty. He’s just another human being

For many men single mums are the dream
Once a week sex
Don’t want more kids !
Don’t want major commitment

Know your worth x

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/04/2022 07:13

Man I posted too soon
So he’s an alcoholic
Ok …

It’s ever so hard to filter people before a date

I’m sorry 😞

seensome · 16/04/2022 07:18

What a twat! a guy with his life seemingly together and acts like a teenager.
Don't let that one experience put you off, just meet with them quicker next time.
Also you had nothing to worry about not being good enough, as you are too good for him.

Seaoftroubles · 17/04/2022 15:32

Next time don't over invest before you meet, and keep it simple. Just a quick coffee to see if there's any attraction for you. If there is and its mutual,great! lf not you can move swiftly on and no harm done. Good luck!

Original poster

BlueIvy11 · 17/04/2022 17:44

Thanks guys! Sorry I was with my girls doing easter things!

The more he drank, the more he unravelled. He lives at home in his mums back bedroom at 37. No ambition to move. He basically wanted to go on a piss up, trying to get me to drink more and I said no. He asked me about my job so I told him then he told me it was too much of a serious conversation for him! He said it was weird me and the children's father was friends too, so it was a big no for me anyway after that comment. I've never seen a person drink whiskey so quick. I was half way into a cocktail by the time he had 3. It was just completely bizarre. If anything, I was too good for him!

He was blocked by the time I got home. Now I've let it settle, it hasn't put me off. He was just a bad egg.

OP posts:

Original poster

BlueIvy11 · 17/04/2022 17:46

@Seaoftroubles

Yes I will do this next time! Possibly go for a walk or something. I hate dates that involve alot of alcohol as I don't see the point in it really.

OP posts:

NowNowDermot · 17/04/2022 17:54

Really glad it hasn't put you off, definitely a bad egg! Just goes to show anyone can look good on paper/a screen so you should never feel 'not good enough', know your own worth and let them prove theirs

D0lphine · 17/04/2022 18:03

Yeah defo next time meeting someone just make it a 30 min coffee.

Say "I can have coffee at x place a x time but only have 30 mins because I have to leave for (picking the kids up/ seeing friends, family).

Then if they're knobs you have an amazing excuse to just leave after 1/2 hour.

If they're nice you leave them wanting more! Then you can go on a "proper date" ie meal out.

relaxandchill · 17/04/2022 18:43

Ahhh OP I'm sorry you had that first date experience, what a shame! But a relief that you found out early on he was a complete 🔔🔚. Don't let him put you off dating though!

Good tip from @D0lphine I'm definitely going to do that! Avoid anywhere that sells alcohol as it really effects your judgement, has done for me on only one cider Coffee and a walk sounds the best bet

SunflowerTed · 17/04/2022 18:43

@BlueIvy11

I spoke to my dad about it and he told me I'll scare him off this way! But he also told me that I'm more than enough for anyone. He was also quite pleased I'm actually going on a date haha I'm going to give myself a talking to and snap out of it. I don't want to self sabotage 😬 @notwithittoday he actually mentioned he liked the fact I'm busy and don't want to text all day everyday. We both work busy jobs and I really have not got the time to be on my phone all the time.

Your dad sounds great. Just go along and be yourself. You’re enough. X

Opentooffers · 17/04/2022 19:15

I think that perhaps both of you have built this up too much which can happen if you talk to each other too long before you meet. A week or 2 is enough, be honest, if you have been too busy to meet in 8 weeks, how can you aim to manage twice a week going forwards? There probably was a small window over that time where you could of met for a quick coffee or a drink, which is more than enough for a first date. Instead, you've both built the first date into this big thing with lots of fun things to do as well as a meal. It can be awkward to end up stuck having a meal with someone you dot click with, let alone being tied to 'fun stuff'.
Having said all that, it could still work fine if you do get on ( he's trying very hard). I'd dial it down a bit and say the meal is more than enough. But for future first dates, try not to do anything that's hard to walk away from. The bigger the date, the more nervous anyone would get.

me4real · 18/04/2022 00:11

It's anxiety OP it's normal. Dating is nervewracking, no one likes rejection.

me4real · 18/04/2022 00:15

Aww he sounds immature and a problem drinker.

At least he showed his true colours early I guess.

'Thank u- next .' xx

Flip