Situationship

[Poppy1996]

Hi everyone,

Long-time reader, new poster. I am really just looking for some guidance, to be honest, maybe a handhold, as I feel really low and stupid. For context, I am 26, female.

The long story short is I got myself into this mess and I don't know how to save myself. I have an on-and-off relationship / situationship with a guy I have known since we were kids. The pattern goes = we lose contact for a little while for who knows what reason this time, he may get a girlfriend which doesn't last, then he comes back with his tail between his legs with the romantic gestures and words you want to hear from someone you love. We act like we're in a relationship (exclusive so not with others but not official in a relationship), we are inseparable, sleep together regularly, it's intense, and then the smallest thing will happen and he leaves again.

He is a self-proclaimed commitment thobe who doesn't like confrontation... ???

In full transparency it has always been this way and whilst we were young, it was fun but it's not anymore because of how deep my emotions run for him, which he is fully aware of. It is so f*cked up but it's as though I have learned to cope with missing him and not mourning him because I know he'll come back. Which he always does.

We ended up having a conversation last week and he said he cares for me and loves me as a person but doesn't and will never love me in that way, so he cannot give me what I want.

This breaks my heart more than I can put in words but it also isn't the first time I've heard this, it's like my mind isn't willing to register his words. I know that he WILL be back to love to bomb me back to where we were and historically I sought comfort in expecting his return. I don't want to be this weak girl anymore because, right now, even though I am so aware of what he is doing, I know I will fall for the lies and the words he meets me with because I wish they were true so badly.

Friends have suggested dating but I find it hard to meet other guys because of him. Currently, it's not in my interest and without meaning to i compare every guy to him and how we are together.

How do I find the strength to break this pattern and say goodbye for good? (even when your heart doesn't want you to?)

Thank you,
Poppy
x

Oh OP, this sounds incredibly difficult. I think you need to keep repeating what he said to you - this won't ever change and he's been really clear about that.

I would suggest blocking his number and on all social media and seek some counselling. You are worth so much more than this.

@QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat

Thank you so much for the fast response! It is really hard right now, I am a mess. I keep repeating his words to myself but the pathetic/naive side has some form of hope that he didn't mean it.

I have tried the blocking on all platforms route, he often will opt for a new profile or new number to reach out. I just wish I had the strength to say no.

He's using you and you are allowing it because this relationship is the best you can manage at the moment so it suits you in a way.

When you are ready to be in a committed relationship you will get rid of this guy for good.

Do you have a close relationship with your parents or were they detached and not close to you. The answer may be there. Worth getting some therapy if you want to break the cycle with this guy.

I think you need to really accept that whilst you keep ending up back together, it’s for different reasons - for you it’s a sign of the strength of the connection but for him you represent the fallback option. You’re his “in between” person whilst he seeks something better, he’s the “something better” in your mind that stops you looking elsewhere.

It’s a fundamental mismatch and you’re going to have to gather up your strength to tell him you’re not going to be that person for him anymore. There’s no incentive for him to be the person that ends this dynamic.

He's a user. He knows you're there as a back up when he hasn't got anyone else. Don't be that person - you arent good together if he treats you like this.

Block him - tell him why if you want and it will give you some agency over the situation. But block him.

He is using you.
He knows you are always there for easy sex when he is having a dry spell with other women.
He has zero respect for you and will just keep saying whatever you need to hear to keep you waiting for him.

I have tried the blocking on all platforms route, he often will opt for a new profile or new number to reach out.

That’s not ok and the sort of thing stalkers and harassers do.

Tell him clearly that he cannot contact you again, if he does your first action will be to block him. He tries again, and again, he’s stalking and harassing you so you’ll be his booty call again. I’d be tempted to report him to the police if he did that.

Your only option is to go no contact, ever, to prevent the temptation.

He’s no good for you, and I think you need to consider your self worth and esteem that you’re willing to repeatedly be used and not expect better in terms of how you’re being treated.

Be strong, post on here and you’ll get support.

We ended up having a conversation last week and he said he cares for me and loves me as a person but doesn't and will never love me in that way, so he cannot give me what I want

But then he comes back with romantic gestures and words and says the things anyone in your position would want to hear and lovebombs you.

So, he is being honest, but also somewhat dishonest too - giving you hope for a relationship when he knows there is none .

Regardless of his motivations - I don't usually recommend therapy for an OP, but in this case I would. A good therapist (and they are not all good or a fit so take your time finding one) should be able to help you explore and disentangle your feelings and what is at the core of them. And this may help you to move on.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

I think you need to really accept that whilst you keep ending up back together, it’s for different reasons - for you it’s a sign of the strength of the connection but for him you represent the fallback option. You’re his “in between” person whilst he seeks something better, he’s the “something better” in your mind that stops you looking elsewhere.

It’s a fundamental mismatch and you’re going to have to gather up your strength to tell him you’re not going to be that person for him anymore. There’s no incentive for him to be the person that ends this dynamic.

Thank you to everyone for commenting.

This comment puts it perfectly, I do just need to accept and understand that he is using me and he doesn't come back because it's love. It's so hard, it felt so genuine.

@AntelopeBeau

We ended up having a conversation last week and he said he cares for me and loves me as a person but doesn't and will never love me in that way, so he cannot give me what I want

But then he comes back with romantic gestures and words and says the things anyone in your position would want to hear and lovebombs you.

So, he is being honest, but also somewhat dishonest too - giving you hope for a relationship when he knows there is none .

Regardless of his motivations - I don't usually recommend therapy for an OP, but in this case I would. A good therapist (and they are not all good or a fit so take your time finding one) should be able to help you explore and disentangle your feelings and what is at the core of them. And this may help you to move on.

Thank you,

I think that's the part that keeps me hanging on, I have always been so hopeful for more and he plays on that. For what??? he admits he has no struggles with interacting / dating females.

Op this guy isn’t nice, he is using you and it’s very cruel and disrespectful. Please stop this before you waist more time on this user.

When he comes back and lovebombs you, he is filling you with lies and he knows it. It’s quite predatory, he knows your vulnerable to it and he knows it will hurt you eventually. I know it’s hard to accept because he is probably an excellent liar and manipulator. People like this usuallly are.

You have you whole life in front of you at your age and you have plenty of time to find someone else. If you break free of him you will probably look back on him and wonder what you were thinking.

Maybe opt for a clear, 'I have feelings for you and you have made it clear (although I agree with pp he is confusing you with love bombing) that this won't go any further. I need to protect myself and therefore I don't want any further contact with you.'

Hello, I honestly have no words of wisdom for you but I’m in a very similar situationship which is honestly making me feel miserable and unwell and yet I can’t seem to just block, delete, move on despite knowing I should. DM if you like, we can try and help each other!

One of my friends is in a situationship. He tells her he loves her but he's not in love with her. They go on dates about 1x weekk/every other week which involves sex of course. He's definitely using her and her heart is really wrapped up in him. Every time they meet up it makes her "feel" like he's in love with her but he's not. He's wanting sex and he knows that he has to wine and dine her before, so he does it. Then he goes his way til the next time he's wanting sex. She doesn't see it of course, or maybe she does but for her staying is easier than putting herself out there and trying to meet someone else.

There’s a lesson in here somewhere for you op. You keep repeating the same mistake over and over but expecting a different outcome.

If you repeat this pattern again you won’t get a different outcome. That is the lesson.

Also this guy might be nice etc but the fact that he does what he does to you tells me that he is a bit of a manipulator as he keeps playing on your feelings for him amd relies on his love bombing technique to reel you back in.

You need to get some self respect and raise your standards. The dump

He’s using you, but you know this. He won’t ever give you what you want, but you know this too. You’re clearly not happy, so what do you want to do about it?

I’ve been there, although it didn’t go on for so long. You’ve got to make the break. Find someone who will give you what you want.
I’m still in touch with my ex, just a bit of chat every so often which I enjoy we had some great times. There was a break where we didn’t chat though which was needed.

I’ve been there too OP, you don’t say how old you both are but if you let this keep going, you could waste many years of your life on this dead end situation. You need to make a clean break and be on your own for a while in order to grow and make space in your life for the right person to come along.

Op, is he treating you with kindness?
No.

You need people in your life who treat you with kindness.
I've dropped a few people because they weren't kind to me. I saw them treating others better than they treated me and saw it wasnt a flaw with them, it was because I almost allowed them to.
I have done this in a similar situationship.

The thing with men if they want you, you will know. If they don't, they treat you like this.
(over generalisation but hope you know what I mean)

You are young, drop him and find yourself and someone who appreciates all you are

Please read Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl by Natalie Lue.Your situation lies within. Don't be like me and waste years and years of your precious life hoping things will change.