Marriage troubles - confiding in others?

[FingerBubble]

I’ve posted on here recently about the problems in my marriage. This is a long ramble, but it helps me to try to sort out my feelings.

I’m now at the stage where I feel I need to speak to family/ friends about my utterly miserable marriage, to try to help me figure out what to do and get some support (I’m 99% sure DH has spoken to people about it, and his version of events is that “FB is a bit stressed and unhappy ”)

we’re having marriage counselling, but I’m finding myself telling only partial truths during it, and even then DH is struggling to accept the implications of what I am saying, though he is highly apologetic for his past behaviour. I sense the counsellor is sceptical and she can tell that DH and I are in completely different places . Emotionally my marriage is absolutely over, though practically I am stuck, DH has all the power (it’s too outing to write about here, but he has the money , the contacts, the support system and I am completely isolated) I feel like I am losing my mind, I am looking for a counsellor just for me which I think is badly needed

The problem is that I don’t know what to say to those closest to me as they seem oblivious to the situation, I think partly because I’ve hidden my true feelings so well for so long.

I think I want to tell my half sister (we’re not close as there is a large age gap, but we get on ok and she is a fairly sensible ‘woman of the world’) but as with marriage counselling I am scared that if I say what I actually think and feel, she’ll be utterly horrified and then if I lose my courage and plod on with my marriage, I’ll never be able to look her in the eye again. I might never be able to look her in the eye again even if I do leave DH as the truth is not flattering to me! (Why did I marry man I knew I didn’t love??? What is wrong with me? and so unfair to DH) But then, if I tell her only the partial truth, I’m still not dealing with the real issues and I’ll probably get lots of “we’ll look after the kids so you and DH can have a weekend away” type of well meant offer, which would only add to my stress as I’d just be being dishonest in a different way.

What did other people in this position do? Is it better just to save awful confessions of the whole truth for counselling, and keep pretending that everything is fine to everyone else? Or give hints to people that all is not well, without getting into specifics?

Someone asked recently if DH and I had ruled out having a third child!!!?? People don’t see anything amiss, when the truth is that if I didn’t have my kids I would walk out on DH tomorrow, gladly leave all my possessions behind, and have no contact with him ever again

There really isn’t a court of public opinion you have to answer to. If you are unhappy being married now it is a sufficient reason to end it. You don’t owe anyone a back story.

Most reasonable people realise that no one leaves a marriage without good cause. They won’t judge or pry. They will just accept that things didn’t work out. And a lot of them will have seen that for themselves.

Them that don’t are judgement busybodies and gossips. Even they will move on if they aren’t given oxygen.

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond, and you are correct that I probably do worry too much about what people think, my parents are terribly judgmental and I default to assuming other people are too.

I guess the other part of my question though is how helpful did people find it to share SOME of their marriage problems with close friends and family, rather than the whole truth? As I really think I need some support IRL, but am worried about making my situation worse, not better, by only talking about the superficial issues

I so badly need to speak to someone about it all, I’m just in turmoil in my own head.

@FingerBubble

Your post resonates with me so much, I have a lot of resentment too. I spoke to a parent about some of our issues and their response was, marriages are hard work, you need to work at them which is true but I don’t feel the same about him anymore.

@Inthispositiontoo

Sorry to hear you are also unhappy.

“Marriages are hard work” That is exactly the sort of response I’m scared of getting, as I think it might make me feel even more alone.

I’ve worked hard at my marriage for years, but it’s way beyond that now.

I'd talk to your half sister. Presumably, she cares about you even if you're not close and sometimes that lack of closeness means you can be more open and honest than you might otherwise be.

I’ve worked hard at my marriage for years, but it’s way beyond that now.

This is really all you have to say, and really only if pushed.

I've seen a few marriages fail and honestly, my first thought when I heard for each of them was that I wasn't one bit surprised, because it was obvious the relationship was staggering along dead on it's feet for some time. There was one couple who split but briefly got back together. Privately I didn't think their reconciliation would last but I was hoping I would be proven wrong because you love people and want them to be happy, dont' you?

Confide in your sister.

Speak to your sister OP and you might be surprised that she has already got the measure of him and your relationship.

Thanks everyone for responses

@lemongreentea - you’re right, I think my friends and family all had the measure of the relationship years ago. Honestly, Thinking back it’s so clear that NO ONE sitting on my side of the church thought my marriage was a good idea (fake smiles all round!) I was just so so stubborn and head in the sand about the whole thing.

But time moves on, people have other priorities and I think the general consensus is “FB’s husband is an arse and she could have done better, but she seems happy enough and they’ve got the kids now, so that’s her look out”

I think I’m terrified of being told that I’ve made my bed and now I’ve got to lay in it, as I’ve spent years telling myself that exact phrase and I’m only now feeling brave enough to admit it’s not enough.

Ah well. I’ll try to summon up the courage to raise it with my sister and see where the conversation goes.

I can relate OP. I see some people very regularly with my DH and they seem to truly believe that I'm content. He's psychologically abusive (Mumsnetters set me straight on that!) and nobody sees it. I'm desperate to get out but have to tiptoe into it because he also carries all the power here, in the same categories yours does.

I've had a lot of therapy about this and the idea that I should let other people think what they think comes up a lot. It's true, but it's also true that we're social beings and we get reflections of ourselves off of other people. Sao when we fake how we feel for a prolonged period, it messes with our sense of who we're are in the world, and what our place in it is.

So while there is a real risk of people not reacting the way we need them to, not having to pretend is an important liberation in itself.

I hope your sister has an empathic reaction though and is helpful.

Hi,
This happened with my ex husband and I. We really weren’t getting along and he was being pretty nasty to me, no one would have ever guessed. Someone even asked me similar to yourself if we were thinking of having another baby. I remember being mind blown that anyone would think that considering I didn’t even imagine we could stay together. I confided some details to my sister but I didn’t want her to hate him either. I also started to tell a close friend some of how I was feeling but she was genuinely gobsmacked that I kind of took back what I said as she was so shocked

Please stop beating yourself up, OP. You're having a very hard time and have been unhappy for a long time. Stop blaming yourself, it does no good and just makes you feel worse.
You need to plan what you want to do now, practical steps to take. If you have decided your marriage is over, get some support with your next steps. Give your friends and family the chance to give you that support by telling them how you're feeling, they don't know (amazingly as that sounds to you!)
Some may be judgmental but that's their problem. Your post takes me back to when I was in that situation. All friends and family were sad but sympathetic, apart from one sister (who has carried on to prove herself judgemental and unkind on other matters) who was cross with me, saying she and her husband had had problems with their marriage but they had worked on it!
Nobody except you knows what you have had to put up with, and you don't have to tell anyone all the details- just that you've had enough and need to end the relationship.
You do need to be truthful though, with your counsellor and others- no point in having counselling if you're only sharing part of your thoughts.
Stay strong.

I think the important thing right now is for you to organise counselling just for you ASAP and be completely 100% honest in those sessions. Confiding in friends and family can happen more gradually.

I'd create a thread on here and let it all out and see what sort of responses you get. Be as open and honest as you can, under a name change and 30-days only

Then, take it to your half-sister.

...you’re right, I think my friends and family all had the measure of the relationship years ago. Honestly, Thinking back it’s so clear that NO ONE sitting on my side of the church thought my marriage was a good idea (fake smiles all round!) I was just so so stubborn and head in the sand about the whole thing.

Its okay OP. You aren't the person to do this and you won't be the last. Perhaps it was the best option at the time and the you made felt right to you at the time. Absolutely no need to beat yourself up about this. Other options may have been worse? Hard to say really.

What is important is not to feel ashamed or embarrassed about the choices you made back then and be able to talk openly to loved ones, friends and family. No one has the the right to say 'I told you so'. Good luck OP

Sorry spelling and grammar awful. Hope it makes sense!

Before you share anything with anyone think about the purpose of it.

Sharing for emotional support for yourself totally valid and important, choose your person carefully and think about any impact on others. Are they a gossip? Will they give you the right support?

Sharing because you want others to know what you're going through give high level updates "we're not having a great time", "I moved out this weekend" whatever. Don't over explain or do any detail or discussion above the vague outline

Sharing because others feel they ought to know just don't.

This is all so helpful to hear - I’m arranging counselling just for myself, and fully agree I need to be 100% honest there.

@cavalatete above said not having to pretend is a liberation in itself and I can see the truth in that - even finally admitting to myself how unhappy I am feels like a liberation, albeit one that is driving me slightly insane !

@Besttobe8001 this is helpful- I am actually pondering Telling a friend rather than my sister, as I think she might too invested with regards to my parents health etc