Meeting with an ex - their motivation?

[Phoebestheone]

Hi all.

Firstly please bear in mind I'm possibly autistic, definitely suffer from generalised anxiety disorder and am still very...how to put it....I don't have any friends (only acquaintances) through choice and that's because I'm terribly socially inept. I've just never been interested in meeting up with people. Find it all quite hard trying to make conversation, small talk mystifies me, all of that.

So now you understand what I'm like....

I have two 'exes'. I call them that but really I fell into a weird kind of thing with both of them - a year apart, not at the same time! - where we saw each other briefly but it never really progressed to more than meet ups and an on off kind of thing lasting a few months with the first guy, the second one we were kind of on-off for longer, around 8 years in total!
The second one I never even slept with, just lots of hand wringing "I really like you but can't seem to bring myself to date you" type stuff (it was him acting this way, not me - I'd have dated him but I just never seemed to be good enough or whatever for him!)

Anyway - ten or so years later and I still chat occasionally to both guys. First man has been married for 4 years, second has been with his partner for 2 years and is getting married this year. Both happy as far as I can tell, but we don't talk about their partners.

I'm recently single and both guys know that.

The first guy asked to meet for coffee sometime, the second one I asked to meet (as I'm trying to get myself back a bit since my split and the second guy feels 'safe'. Hard to explain but due to my anxiety going out is hard for me but with the second guy, I can just meet him and it's fine.)

Now... neither man has told their partner about me. Both men say their partner knows of their history with women in the past, so I'm not sure whether it's a red flag that neither of them admit to their partner that they speak to me, or that they want to meet me.

I'm torn between thinking it's weird and thinking that actually, if it's purely platonic then is there a need to tell their partner?

I will never be proper friends with either of these guys, but meeting for coffee now and again suits me. Nice and uncomplicated.

I just question their motives?

If they’re not willing to be completely upfront with their partners then it’s not nice, and it’s not uncomplicated.

Steer well clear.

So they are both liars then?

Why would you want to be friends with deceitful people?

I agree, steer well clear.

It's wrong, they wouldn't admit to their partners they meeting a woman for a coffee they've had an off/off thing with, especially the first, second guy has never slept with you in 8 years, so I'm guessing he doesn't fancy you, probably just enjoying the attention.
You have no intention of being real friends and neither do they, it's just sneaky behaviour on both your parts. It's creepy.
Why do you keep in contact with them?

I agree. Don't meet with either of them.

I'm also autistic and possibly a bit older than you. It took a long time to avoid this sort of Pucklechurch where I couldn't see anything wrong with a situation. Every time they turned out to not have good intentions.

I wouldn't meet.

Pucklechurch! Great autocorrect but I just meant pickle

@seensome

It's wrong, they wouldn't admit to their partners they meeting a woman for a coffee they've had an off/off thing with, especially the first, second guy has never slept with you in 8 years, so I'm guessing he doesn't fancy you, probably just enjoying the attention. You have no intention of being real friends and neither do they, it's just sneaky behaviour on both your parts. It's creepy. Why do you keep in contact with them?

It'll sound pathetic but anytime I ask why they bother keeping in touch they always say something like they have always cared about me, they want to make sure I'm okay, that kind of thing.

So partly probably an ego boosting thing but also, they say they care. And I miss them both when I don't speak to them.

They're kind of similar to me, personality wise and not many people are. There aren't many people from my 'past' that I'd ever want to see again. These two are one of the few that I do.

Plus,I get on way better with men than women. Always worked in male environments etc and can handle male conversation better than women's.

Motivation for this man trying to meet up with you without his partner knowing is probably for an ego boost or a fling before he gets married. You have already wasted 8 years on him, don’t waste any more time.

@IAmActuallyOk

Pucklechurch! Great autocorrect but I just meant pickle

I did wonder what a Pucklechurch was!

I will start be saying I am autistic, married for 8 years etc. I occasionally interact with an ex, from over 10 years ago, on Facebook - occasional comments on each other's posts and very occasional messages between us (mostly as families live close by, mutual friends, similar age kids) Completely innocent interactions, this man was my friend before we dated and my friend after dating, and long before I met my husband. I don't go out if my way to tell my husband when we interact. I don't hide it, but I don't tell him 'I spoke to 'soandso' today.' I don't fell I have to tell him every time I interest with an old friend/old boyfriend etc and I feel the same with his ex's. But I would never in a million years meet up for coffee with an ex. I would never go out if my way to arrange to meet up with him, out of respect for both our spouses. Plus after all these years in person it would be awkward. If I bump into him in town, as I've done before, we have a friendly chat, then we go our separate ways. It's unclear from your post if the situation is similar or if these men are 'hiding' you from their partners. I am also autistic and I do understand the the safe feeling you feel with these men. It's a familiarity, especially when you are newly single. But I think it's inappropriate for you to meet for coffee. I don't see it as 'nice and uncomplicated' and if I was a partner of these men I would be questioning your motives, as well as theirs.

Would this scenario help you see the situation? Can you imagine that you have a boyfriend and they were meeting up with an ex girlfriend without telling you and telling her they cared about her? Does that seem appropriate behaviour to you?

@Eatprayrun

Would this scenario help you see the situation? Can you imagine that you have a boyfriend and they were meeting up with an ex girlfriend without telling you and telling her they cared about her? Does that seem appropriate behaviour to you?

I totally get why it's inappropriate in that situation, yes.

I think maybe because I know my intentions (purely platonic, no physical attraction whatsoever) that I maybe don't want to believe that theirs might be less than honourable.

Plus they are both the type of people to go out of their way to help someone,always caring about others, etc so I always took what they said at face value. Ish. Obviously I'm doubting it slightly.

I just can't work out why they would want to meet up with me then?

@Fernshire thank you, we have bumped into each other in the street and chatted several times and it's never been awkward, and from my point of view I guess I'd have been using them as test subjects to see whether I can actually handle meeting up with people again! But if the majority think its inappropriate then I will back off and leave it. Thank you all

I think maybe because I know my intentions (purely platonic, no physical attraction whatsoever) that I maybe don't want to believe that theirs might be less than honourable.

Ah yes, I've been caught out by that. Never assume a man's intentions are honourable and you won't go far wrong

Plus they are both the type of people to go out of their way to help someone,always caring about others, etc so I always took what they said at face value. Ish. Obviously I'm doubting it slightly.

Do they help everyone or just women. Especially single women?

I just can't work out why they would want to meet up with me then?

Sex.

They want sex.

You keep in touch. Men assume that means you fancy them. They think you will have sex with them.

@IAmActuallyOk

I think maybe because I know my intentions (purely platonic, no physical attraction whatsoever) that I maybe don't want to believe that theirs might be less than honourable.

Ah yes, I've been caught out by that. Never assume a man's intentions are honourable and you won't go far wrong

Plus they are both the type of people to go out of their way to help someone,always caring about others, etc so I always took what they said at face value. Ish. Obviously I'm doubting it slightly.

Do they help everyone or just women. Especially single women?

I just can't work out why they would want to meet up with me then?

Sex.

They want sex.

You keep in touch. Men assume that means you fancy them. They think you will have sex with them.

:(

Well that's depressing! OK. Thank you.

You say there was *no physical attraction” but you dated the first man and wanted to date the second one.

I hope you find some nicer people to spend your time with, and not men like this looking for an ego boost.

Well that's depressing! OK. Thank you.

It is but I'm in my late 40s now and I've never experienced a man helping a woman or keeping in touch with an ex who wasn't hoping for sex at some point.

I've no doubt there are men that don't fall into that category. Maybe... but for you to have found two at the same time seems very unlikely!

And, like I say, I've yet to encounter one.