Separated - DH blaming mental health - how do I support but distance myself?

BloodyNora79 · 2022-04-11T08:21:25+00:00

Hi all Long story but my husband walked out about a year ago breaking mine and the kids hearts. Assumed OW but none has surfaced - instead DH blamed mental overload / work stress and when he realised I was filing for divorce and getting on in life he did a full 360 and begged me back. We’ve done some therapy, a few dates but none of it takes away the pain of being abandoned at a time I needed him the most. I’ve explained that I can’t do this anymore and it’s best we go our separate ways. He’s now crying full pelt (I’ve never seen a tear in our 20 years together), claiming childhood trauma (which I agree with 100%) and has made suggestions of ‘having nothing left to live for’. I’m an empath and a rescuer, putting everyone before myself. I need to let him go but I still genuinely care for him and need to make sure he is ok. How the hell do I do this?

PollyDarton1 · 11/04/2022 09:24

Do you have mutual friends that can check in on him? Or family connections? This isn't your rodeo to deal with. Your husband made a choice and unless you want to reconnect, the decision is final, no matter how much he begs for forgiveness.

GreyCarpet · 11/04/2022 14:58

I’m an empath and a rescuer, putting everyone before myself

Bluntly...

I'd avoid twee labels and euphemisms for "I have no boundaries"

You ended it. You wanted to end it. You don't want to be back together with him. S0 tell him.he needs to sort himself put and it's not your circus anymore.

thestraitofillinois · 11/04/2022 16:20

Simple question. Do you want to be with him or not?

Gelasia · 11/04/2022 22:22

I'd avoid twee labels and euphemisms for "I have no boundaries"

Rude. There's no need to get your jab in about the OP's terminology no matter how annoying you personally fund it. It doesn't help.

Gelasia · 11/04/2022 22:22

*find

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/04/2022 22:32

@GreyCarpet

I’m an empath and a rescuer, putting everyone before myself

Bluntly...

I'd avoid twee labels and euphemisms for "I have no boundaries"

You ended it. You wanted to end it. You don't want to be back together with him. S0 tell him.he needs to sort himself put and it's not your circus anymore.

Well no, he ended it. He left.

If you’re going to have a go at her at least be accurate.

SarahBellam · 11/04/2022 23:12

I hope GreyCarpet is another name for AnyFucker, because this is the truth. What are your boundaries? If you weren’t getting all the woe is me shit from him what would you want? You are allowed to go after what you want. He didn’t offer you any consideration when he left you, so it’s baffling that you are minimising your own needs in order to help this self absorbed idiot husband.

GreyCarpet · 12/04/2022 07:20

Yeah, you're right, he left her. But the rest if it still stands.

Loads if threads on here about women wanting to help and support useless men. It just pisses me off seeing so many women tying themselves up in knots to 'support' a waste of space man when they could be spending that time living their own life to the full.

Too many women see men as their responsibility.

Too many women with really crap boundaries who see that as a vitue.

I hope GreyCarpet is another name for AnyFucker, because this is the truth

No, but I'll take the compliment

Original poster

BloodyNora79 · 12/04/2022 07:36

@GreyCarpet you are one million percent correct! My boundaries have caused this. It’s because I’m too nice though (or weak maybe ) x

OP posts:

Duracellbunnywannabe · 12/04/2022 07:40

You can’t help him. With the help of professionals he can help himself. The best thing is to be clear with your boundaries so he doesn’t get confused and have false hope.

Timeforabiscuit · 12/04/2022 07:46

Honestly, focus on you , focus on getting the kids through it - these are your priorities, if you have capacity send a message to parents and mutual friends laying out that as your separated and divorcing you are not a suitable source of support for him.

And get lots of good quality counseling! That outside perspective really helps as a sense check.

coffeeisthebest · 12/04/2022 09:07

After a lot of therapy I have realised that unfortunately had the realisation that me thinking I was an empath has meant that basically I have been stumbling through life with no boundaries putting everyone's needs before mine but believing I have been delivering a great service to mankind. I was continuing to labour under that belief due to the number of women I know who believe exactly the same and we were all engaging in a kind of competitive empathy rather than focusing on exactly what the hell we were allowing in our lives. But no more. I advise the same of you. He made a weighty decision about your relationship and now regrets it and has brought all his best emotional stuff to try and get you back. He hasn't cried before but now he is going full force and bringing his childhood wounds too? Ok. So don't rush back in with this man. I would back off and give him space to see how things go. Don't be his support. I appreciate this will feel like going against some sort of primal instinct for you but resist it. Get therapy to process what has happened and to find boundaries.

GreyCarpet · 12/04/2022 10:21

[quote BloodyNora79]@GreyCarpet you are one million percent correct! My boundaries have caused this. It’s because I’m too nice though (or weak maybe ) x[/quote]
"Nice" is the curse of being female.

All my life, I was told to "be nice".

Be nice to the boy who was pressuring me for sex

Be nice to the the man who made me feel uncomfortable.

Be nice to people who were unkind to me

Being nice requires women to have no inner world, no needs, no boundaries. Where we exist purely to ease and facilitate the lives of others.

And we are trained to see this as a positive thing.

Nbeing nice only benefits those on the receiving end. Never the person who is doing the being nice. Who will rarely find themselves on the receiving end because niceness isn't respected.

GreyCarpet · 12/04/2022 10:23

@coffeeisthebest

After a lot of therapy I have realised that unfortunately had the realisation that me thinking I was an empath has meant that basically I have been stumbling through life with no boundaries putting everyone's needs before mine but believing I have been delivering a great service to mankind. I was continuing to labour under that belief due to the number of women I know who believe exactly the same and we were all engaging in a kind of competitive empathy rather than focusing on exactly what the hell we were allowing in our lives. But no more. I advise the same of you. He made a weighty decision about your relationship and now regrets it and has brought all his best emotional stuff to try and get you back. He hasn't cried before but now he is going full force and bringing his childhood wounds too? Ok. So don't rush back in with this man. I would back off and give him space to see how things go. Don't be his support. I appreciate this will feel like going against some sort of primal instinct for you but resist it. Get therapy to process what has happened and to find boundaries.

Fucking yes!

Itwasntmeright · 12/04/2022 10:37

Thing is, mental health problems do not mean, and are not an excuse for, trampling other peoples boundaries, and the way to work through them is not to trample over other peoples boundaries to make yourself feel better. Conversely, you will not support anybody to deal with their own mental health problems by just allowing yourself to be a doormat for them. The word for somebody who allows themselves to be trampled all over in the name of somebody else’s mental health/addiction/whatever, is an enabler.

So you have two questions here really. The first is do you actually want to be with him or not?

The second is: what, if any, constructive support are you willing to offer that isn’t enabling him and isn’t detrimental to you?

I think you need your own therapy to be honest. You don’t seem to know where your own interest lies or how to protect yourself and your kids with healthy boundaries. This is not a criticism, in all reality most women don’t know either, but if you want to progress with your life in which ever way you choose you need to try and learn.

CousinKrispy · 12/04/2022 10:45

It's hard, BloodyNora, I've been there too.

But I know my own MH and wellbeing, and that of my child, is better without being stuck in a relationship with my ex.

It's sad he's still suffering, but I can't fix it and it's not my responsibility to do so. And if I kept trying, I'd just be stuck on that same damn roundabout.

You have permission to get off the ride.

Fireflygal · 12/04/2022 10:47

If you didn't have to consider hid feelings, what would you do?

Now you are out of the marriage can you judge if there was a healthy dynamic? It's unlikely he has changed as his rears appear to be about himself and his losses. What consideration has he given to you?

coffeeisthebest · 12/04/2022 11:06

@GreyCarpet. Thank you. I wholeheartedly agree with what you said too. Not being nice doesn't automatically mean that we become arseholes either, I also think we are all kind of taught that crap too. So much crap around really. And then when we can take it to no longer we are delightfully labelled mentally ill rather than just 'done'. So let's just be done with being so nice and empathetic ladies, and start pushing back and regaining our lives. And help out children learn the same. We can be compassionate and have great boundaries. In fact as Brene Brown had argued, we need to have great boundaries to be compassionate otherwise we kust become resentful and bitter.

GreyCarpet · 12/04/2022 11:13

[quote coffeeisthebest]@GreyCarpet. Thank you. I wholeheartedly agree with what you said too. Not being nice doesn't automatically mean that we become arseholes either, I also think we are all kind of taught that crap too. So much crap around really. And then when we can take it to no longer we are delightfully labelled mentally ill rather than just 'done'. So let's just be done with being so nice and empathetic ladies, and start pushing back and regaining our lives. And help out children learn the same. We can be compassionate and have great boundaries. In fact as Brene Brown had argued, we need to have great boundaries to be compassionate otherwise we kust become resentful and bitter.[/quote]
Absolutely.

Saying "no" to someone isn't being mean if it protects you in any way.

I hope you can find some strength from this, OP

Original poster

BloodyNora79 · 12/04/2022 12:26

Thank you all for your comments.
Now I’m out of the marriage, upon reflection it wasn’t a healthy relationship; but I’m still reeling from the shock of it all, if that makes sense.
When he walked out, I did some assessing of our relationship. We’ve had a ‘nice life’ but I’ve had zero emotional support EVER and I’ve probably not felt loved. He has always been emotionally distant but he’s my only relationship so I never really understood this and thought what we had was normal.
I’m struggling with the shock of this and my absolute clear lack of boundaries which has caused this to be longwinded.
What I’m most sad about is that I never truly understood this before and I never really pulled him up on it - reality slapped me in the face upon his walking out. I feel sad that he couldn’t really change if I never pointed out that his unemotional state was an issue and I feel wrong for this.
I am undergoing counselling but if I’m honest, I feel more empowered by the posts on this page than by what my counsellor offers - so thank you all x

OP posts:

NeverDropYourMooncup · 12/04/2022 16:51

He abandoned you. He never supported you.

And now he's wailing a gnashing his teeth because you've said 'fuck this, I'm not putting myself and my children through all this again?'

Tough shit. His problem, not yours.

DrBrennerFan · 12/04/2022 16:53

Walk and walk away not your problem anymore and before you start slaying me that’s what I’ll be doing, I’ve had it up to here with mine.

helicoptergunship · 12/04/2022 17:05

Op- I had a similar marriage and I only moved on when I realised that I was choosing to see my life in terms of what I should do and what I felt my obligation was to my husband. I could choose instead to prioritise my own life and happiness. That's what most people do and it doesn't mean you are bad or behave selfishly.

You said in your last post, "I feel sad that he couldn’t really change if I never pointed out that his unemotional state was an issue and I feel wrong for this." You are not responsible for fixing your husband and you are not obliged to stay with him when he is not giving you what you (and everyone) needs.

Somehow some of us absorb a message very early on that our self worth is dependent on what we do for others. This has positive aspects (eg being a good parent) but it also can become self destructive and toxic.

I only moved on when I realised I only had one life and I was wasting it. I am now in a wonderful relationship and that only reinforces my belief I did the right thing. You can too!

oliviastwisted · 12/04/2022 17:24

I think @GreyCarpet has great advice there for most women. The message be kind is so damaging because it is absolutely a one sided message there is simply no male equivalent.

OP even now he is being emotionally manipulative using his mental health to get you to acquiesce to his demands. Tell him you don’t want him to harm himself, wish him well, pass on your concerns to police and professionals but you cannot control what happens in your exs future.