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Original poster

How do I broach this?

29 replies

Sandybeachbums · 11/04/2022 08:39

I’ve met a wonderful man and we’ve been dating for the past few weeks. Everything is going great. No intimacy yet as I want to take things slowly after being in previous bad relationships where I’ve been lied to and cheated on.
We’re both divorced. I’ve been single for a few years now and he told me he’s not had a relationship for roughly the same period.
I went to his home at the weekend for the first time and there was a photograph of him with a stunningly beautiful woman on display.
I asked who it was and he replied ‘someone I was seeing’. No name (we’ve talked about exes and he’s been forthcoming with his exes names etc but not this one). I don’t know how long ago it was as he just shut the conversation down.
It’s rattled me. I know we’re only a few weeks in and have yet to have the chat but he’s assured me he’s not dating/seeing anyone else but the photo has really upset me.
What should I do? Say something? Say nothing? Walk away?

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 11/04/2022 08:42

I can’t see why he’d have a photo of an ex on display, so it would be a red flag for me. But then he didn’t hide it either, so maybe it is innocent.
I think I’d log it in my mind and see if anything else worried me.

dreammattemousse · 11/04/2022 08:43

Throw this one back...

GreyCarpet · 11/04/2022 08:49

When you say intimacy, do you mean sex or intimacy? Is it physically and emotionally distance so far anyway?

(Would you be less bothered if she weren't 'stunningly beautiful'?)

It sounds as though she could be the one who got away if he hasn't mentioned her, he still has photos of her and there is a general lack of intimacy between you - hand holding, affection etc.

He might well be using you to get over her. You're worth more than that.

Original poster
Sandybeachbums · 11/04/2022 09:08

GreyCarpet - we’ve not had sex. We hold hands when we’re out, we’ve kissed but I don’t want to rush into anything physical after previous bad experiences. He’s told his friends and family about me too.
It’s not the fact that the woman is beautiful, it’s more that I didn’t know about her and I do wonder if, as you say, she’s the one that got away as he’s not mentioned her when he’s been very open about everything else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sandybeachbums · 11/04/2022 09:58

@GeneLovesJezebel Yes, red flag for me that its still on display but more so that he’s never actually mentioned who this person is/how long they’ve been apart which makes me suspicious. This I why I resigned myself to single life forever!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 11/04/2022 10:00

Nope. That wouldn't work for me at all. He's got unresolved issues I simply wouldn't have the time or inclination to deal with.

Datada · 11/04/2022 10:01

Definitely weird. Please heed this red flag.
Give yourself time to process previous abusive relationships, or else the cycle is doomed to be repeated.

HeDidWhattt · 11/04/2022 10:03

I can’t see how that’s a red flag. It’s his home and he has a photo up of him and a woman, so what?? You’ve only been dating a few weeks and he doesn’t need to tell you absolutely everything and his whole life story within that time frame.

Even if it’s the one that got a way, why is that a problem?? Most of us have one of those.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/04/2022 10:06

Even if it’s the one that got a way, why is that a problem??

Because it's fucking weird.

CPL593H · 11/04/2022 10:09

OK, it may be nothing, but I can't imagine having pictures of exes around when a new (even tentative, early days) person is visiting. Should be best foot forward and all that. This would disconcert me too as pointing to something unresolved for him.

GreyCarpet · 11/04/2022 10:10

@Aquamarine1029

Even if it’s the one that got a way, why is that a problem??

Because it's fucking weird.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who had an ongoing emotional attachment to someone in that sense.

But I guess people have their own standards and expectations 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
Sandybeachbums · 11/04/2022 10:26

Thank you for your replies. I guess you’ve just reinforced what I was thinking about an emotional attachment to someone else, especially as he’s never mentioned her previously.
Do I ask him about it and at least give him the opportunity to explain or call it a day?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 11/04/2022 10:27

[quote Sandybeachbums]@GeneLovesJezebel Yes, red flag for me that its still on display but more so that he’s never actually mentioned who this person is/how long they’ve been apart which makes me suspicious. This I why I resigned myself to single life forever![/quote]
Don't allow other people's behaviour to dictate whether you will have a relationship. Having met several not-dream men has no bearing on whether you will meet dream-man in the future.

If you don't feel you can openly ask this man, who you've known for a while and presumably had some deepish conversations with, who the woman is and why he's displaying the photo, then end things. The primary thing to look for at the start of a relationship is open, clear, and reassuring communication.

I had a photo up of my previous partner for a long time. Our relationship ended when she died. Just a thought.

But as I say, if you can't ask, or he doesn't understand that you'd want to know about who she is, then leave him behind.

Original poster
Sandybeachbums · 11/04/2022 10:31

@Watchkeys
Thank you

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 11/04/2022 10:41

It does seem a bit odd he had a photo with an ex he hadn't mentioned. But was it a long time ago? how old did he look in the picture?

If he refused to talk about it though and explain why there is a picture of his ex up in the house, I'd be wondering why. Could be for any number of reasons, but failing to explain it to you does seem pretty weird.

Was he expecting you at his house this weekend? As in, was it all arranged or was it more of an impromptu pop in after a date?
Also, where was the picture? was it framed? If it was just a picture stuck on a noticeboard in corner of the kitchen its likely something he forgot was there maybe? But if it was framed in pride of place in his bedroom or living room - thats a little weird, unless theres some sort of story behind it, which I'd of thought he would of been forthcoming with if it was all nothing.

of course you may also have to look at the option that he actually may live with this person/be in a current relationship with her, and forgot the picture was there.

hence why shes never been mentioned. Shes not actually an ex?
But thats the cynic in me.

Original poster
Sandybeachbums · 11/04/2022 10:53

@Bookworm20
It was prearranged earlier in the week. The picture was actually one of those multi aperture frames that also had an inscription something along the lines of ‘you’re my everything blah blah’ with various photos of them together including looking like at least one was taken abroad (again, he’s never mentioned being on holiday recently despite us talking about this just last week). They look like fairly recent pictures, as in, there’s no significant change in his appearance from then til now.
I’m 99% certain she’s not living there but maybe has been in the past. I just can’t understand why she’s never come up in conversation when he’s been very open about others.

OP posts:
Daisydoesnt · 11/04/2022 10:58

Thank you for your replies. I guess you’ve just reinforced what I was thinking about an emotional attachment to someone else, especially as he’s never mentioned her previously.
Do I ask him about it and at least give him the opportunity to explain or call it a day

Absolutely give him a chance to explain. Have an open mind. He might not have given it any thought. He might still be holding a candle for her. If you've got this far taking things slow, don't rush to bin him off.

Daisydoesnt · 11/04/2022 11:01

BTW, it sounds as if the frame was given to him (it's not the sort of thing you'd create about someone else with the line "you're my everything" and then keep it yourself?) Therefore it might not reflect how he actually felt. He might have had it on display out of obligation, and never thought about chucking it out.

ExtraCreamy · 11/04/2022 11:02

This may be a bit random, but could it be that she died? That would explain why he didn't want to talk about it. Just a possibility that crossed my mind, I could be wrong on that one.

Bookworm20 · 11/04/2022 11:04

@Sandybeachbums

That does not sound good then. Especially if look like recent pictures, I don't think he has been entirely honest with you.
Could be they have recently broke up. Still don't understand why he had them up in his house still though.

Unfortunately the old cynic in me would just be thinking its his current GF. Perhaps shes away at the moment, or perhaps they just live separately.

The frame suggests it was certainly a significant relationship.
I'd definitely be asking him about it. If he doesn't want to tell you or is just vague about its some ex, push him.

You're starting a relationship with this man, you deserve to know if he literally broke up with someone the day before he met you.

gerryperry · 11/04/2022 11:05

For me - I wouldn't like it at all. I'd have to ask some more questions. You are in your right to ask this op.

But also...I just wonder....can I ask what his house js like? Clean, tidy, everything has a place? Or is it cluttered, unorganised etc? I only ask this as a friend of mine had pictures of his ex still up after they separated. But his home was that unorganised and cluttered, he just didn't see to take them down. Which is absolutely bizzare to me but it's just the way he was.

Either way - it would be a no from me. Not worth the uneasy feeling it would bring to my life.

Bookworm20 · 11/04/2022 11:07

This may be a bit random, but could it be that she died?

I did think this too, but surely he would have just said that was an old GF, unfortunately she passed away. Who wouldn't offer that?
Unless she passed away the week before, I'm not sure anyone would not offer that explanation up if that was what it was.

Original poster
Sandybeachbums · 11/04/2022 11:23

@gerryperry The house is immaculate with a place for everything. The picture was in quite a predominant position too so not easily overlooked.

@Bookworm20 I think she’s still very much alive and well! He absolutely would have said if she’d passed away. It’s making me very uneasy and as you say, it’s the element on some dishonesty which is bothering me as I’ve been in a similar position in the past where a previous partner had pictures of his ‘ex’ on FB only for me to find out they were still sleeping together after him and I got together and she didn’t know about me. I’m trying to not let previous bad relationships taint my current view and not be cynical and suspicious but it feels like history is repeating itself

OP posts:
Gowithme · 11/04/2022 11:46

Who keeps up pictures of the ex with loving sayings on it? I mean if you don't realise that's going to be off putting to potential new partners then.....

Watchkeys · 11/04/2022 11:46

I just can’t understand why she’s never come up in conversation when he’s been very open about others

Nothing in a new relationship, or any relationship, should be about having to deduce why stuff is happening that bothers you. He should be interested and concerned about making you feel comfortable. If you say to him 'This photo being here makes me feel uncomfortable', his first words should be towards reassuring you. If they're about defending himself or changing the subject, then his response is about him, not about you.

Would you be able to say that to him? Calmly and quietly? His response will tell you everything you need to know.