Just found out xh is living with someone

[2anddone]

Hi
Before I start let me just say I am not bothered in the slightest that my xh of 9 years is now living with someone and has been dating them for the last 4 years, I wish her all the luck in the world.
However I am slightly baffled that he hasn't mentioned that he is even dating someone (we have 2dc aged 16 and 13) let alone living with them. I have found out this evening via social media where a mutual friend has tagged xh and new partner in a post.
Looking through Instagram and Facebook it looks like they have been dating since 2018 (we separated in 2013 not divorced) we HAVE slept together since 2018 and used to do so roughly once a month until the 1st lockdown luckily broke the spell he had over me and I realised how much he had been manipulating/emotionally abusing me by sleeping with me to make me think we could get back together.
Dc only go out for meals with him (approx once every 6 weeks since lockdown, before that he used to come round for tea twice a week and move 'home' for Christmas, Christmas Eve-boxing night) and he hasn't mentioned anything to them which has annoyed me as we live in a very small town where they could find out off anyone and I think they deserve the respect of their dad telling them.
My question is why hasn't he mentioned anything to either them or me? I wonder if it's because he thinks once he starts dating someone I might try OLD and find someone? I honestly don't know. Like I said in my opening paragraph I am not bothered by him dating someone but just don't understand why he would sneak around as though he is cheating on me 9 years on maybe it is just a case of old habits die hard and he is so used to cheating on me for the 25 years we were together that he gets some sort of thrill from sneaking around now!

Are you saying you’ve slept with him since he’s been living with someone? Other than that no I don’t think he needs to tell you? Your kids are grown up there’s no even a reason to speak tbh.

Yes we have slept together on and off since 2013 when he moved out to 2020 when first lockdown hit, so definitely while they were dating not sure about when they started living together.
I am not bothered that he hasn't told me, we very rarely talk now especially as the children are old enough to make their own arrangements to meet up with him. However, I think it's really disrespectful to the children not to tell them especially as you say they are grown up now so have more freedom and could bump into him with his new partner at any time. Also I would have thought that he would want to introduce his partner to his children...like I say am just slightly confused!

It isn’t really your business who he’s seeing it living with, and if I imagine that’s his view. Your DC are old enough for him to tell them himself rather than use you as the middle woman. I wouldn’t think any more of it, really.

I guess it’s because they don’t visit him which is why he hasn’t told them? He probably doesn’t see the need since they won’t be meeting her.

He should definitely have told the dc.

And yes, he should’ve told you. But he didn’t because you have both muddied the waters by continuing to have sex with each other.

He has lied to you for years. He will have lied to her about you. It’s what he does.

My guess is it's because he doesn't want you to tell his partner he has been cheating on her for years.

He was enjoying the fun with 2 women, if he told you he'd be admitting his secret and fear you'd tell her.

Protecting himself.

He's a sleaze.

Why were you still having sex for so long after the relationship ended.

I don't think he's bring disrespectful. Maybe he hasn't told you because you're separated and he doesn't think you have a right to know. And if the new woman isn't meeting his children, why should he have to tell them? I dated people and never told my family and when/if they found out, it wasn't a big deal. You say you're not bothered - maybe he knows that so hedoesn't think it's worthwhile telling you.

I think you're far too enmeshed in his life.

Is your divorce final?

Why were you sleeping with him once a month for 7 years yet he was only seeing your kids every 6 weeks??

What a prince. I'm guessing it's because if he told you, you might get upset and stop having sex with him. Time to cut all ties.

It sounds like you are absolutely bothered that he's dating amd living with someone else! But to answer your question, why would he tell you, its nothing to do with you

I agree to continue sleeping with him was ridiculous and I didn't see how ridiculous until lockdown hit and I finally had time where he no longer came round and therefore I could sort my own head out and realise just how much of a hold he had over me emotionally. I only kept sleeping with him because I honestly thought it would get our family back together....something which I now know is crazy and definitely not what I want.
In answer to previous poster the divorce hasn't even begun let alone finalised, I can't afford it so just waiting for him to start proceedings.
I slept with him approximately once a month when he was seeing the children twice a week at their home, now he sees them once every 6 weeks and only comes into the house as far as the hallway to pick them up/drop them off to take them out.
The last 9 years have all been a big mess and i have been unable to move on or find a new partner as he has always kept me hanging with the promise that the family might get back together. I realise he is a big sleaze and I don't want him back I feel lucky he has found someone else to cheat on and manipulate (and I know he will eventually as it's in his personality and really want to warn her about what he is capable of but know it's none of my business) and hope that now I can move on

Maybe he doesn't think his personal dating / romantic life is any of your business. It isn't. If he cheated on you when you were married then there is no reason to think he wouldn't be with other women over the last nine years, even though you two still had an entanglement.

SInce you were still sleeping with him - for health reasons he should have told you if he was non exclusive. Did you ask about STI testing etc?

If he isn't bringing this women into the lives of his kids - and it sounds like he is barely in their life, he may think it better to keep his relationship private. It doesn't sound like he is very close to the kids or that they factor much into his life. They might not wish to hear about his dating life or girlfriend. You might also be reading too much into a couple of online posts that likely don't tell the whole story of their dating life and relationship.

I’m not sure what the problem is here. You split up 9 years ago. Your kids are almost grown up. Have you thought about counselling to help you move on?

I'm not sure what the problem is here. You split up 9 years ago. Your kids are almost grown up.

They continue a sexual relationship for 7years he moved out on 2020.

Dating since 2018, sleeping with OP until 2020.

He's a sleazy man.

It's simple, he didn't tell you initially to keep you dangling, so that he could get sex with you once a month, as there is clearly a 2 year overlap, so he was cheating with her too.
Some people have actually benefitted from lockdown, it's done you a big favour in detaching from him.
Most likely not bothered to mention it since lockdown, as there is the risk you could tell his GF. However, don't get tempted to do this, as the default will be for him to claim you are just the jealous ex. She may well believe him on that, but meantime, he's not risking that she could believe you if he doesn't feel he has to, so keeping quiet is the easy option.
Just keep out of it, unfortunately he's found another he can manipulate, which does help to keep him away from you. Anyone who is happy to move in with a man who's not started divorce in 9 years, so has messy financial ties, has issues already with their boundaries and will end up with a lot of strife in her life over it.

I very often didn’t and don’t tell my kids I was dating or sleeping with someone if it wasn’t serious and I didn’t think it would go the distance.

I certainly wouldn’t think I had to tell my ex it’s absolutely nothing to do with him!

Having said that, he should now mention to the kids but it’s his life and his business.

Why are you social media stalking him?

@AchillesPoirot

I very often didn’t and don’t tell my kids I was dating or sleeping with someone if it wasn’t serious and I didn’t think it would go the distance.

I certainly wouldn’t think I had to tell my ex it’s absolutely nothing to do with him!

Having said that, he should now mention to the kids but it’s his life and his business.

Why are you social media stalking him?

But it has got something to do with the OP, her ex was seeing the new woman AND still sleeping with the OP, i am sure your ex would have wanted to know you were in a relationship if you were still shagging him at the same time.

He's hoping to keep you as an option for the future.

Not really he’s an ex so it’s safe to say they are not exclusive! So she should have at the very least suspected he was sleeping with others

@AHungryCaterpillar I definitely expected him to be sleeping with others....one of the main reasons we separated was because he was incapable of keeping his dick to himself!
I don't expect him to have told me like previous posters have said it is none of my business and to be completely honest so long as the child maintenance is paid each month I don't care what he does!
My point I was trying to make (obviously badly as so many people have focused on my feelings about this situation) was does anyone think he should have mentioned it to his children? We live in a small town and often drive past each other when I am on activity runs for dc so they are in the car with me. Surely it's only a matter of time before either someone bumps into him with his new partner and mentions it to the children or the dc bump into them themselves. Just think it would be a shock for them that's all, I won't be telling them though as previous posters have pointed out it's none of my business and I don't know how their relationship actually is for all I know they could be really happy, or he could have gotten sick of living at his mothers and become a cock lodger for an easier life!

Well, they've been going out for 4 years in a small town with pictures on FB and the children haven't twigged so far. So maybe it's not inevitable they'll find out.