When does it get easier with the MIL?

[Pandapop3]

What age do your kids have to be before she calms down?

I found it to be about 9 🤣

Mine couldn't give a shiny shite about my kids, or one of my step kids. It's allllll about the glorious wonder child that is dsd. And they are well and truly welcome to each other

My eldest is 13 and I'm still waiting.

@Pandapop3

What age do your kids have to be before she calms down?

Whats your issue with your MIL? That she is excited to be a DGM ?

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but mine has got increasingly worse over 22 years. She was annoying but bearable for the first 11 years as DH still pretty much put her first, and I was ok with it as I wasn’t neglected because of it and thought that was what a respectful son and daughter-in-law would do. Then our first daughter was born in late 2010 and DH did prioritise DD1 over MIL and very slowly but surely all hell broke loose. DD2 arrived in 2015 and it got even worse. Her jealousy over the children and not coming first for her son has resulted in abusive emails, phone calls and letters. I am now NC unless she comes to our house. Her problem is more with DH but me and girls are blamed for brainwashing him against her.

@kitcat15 makes a really good point. I was carried away revisiting my own misery but OP’s issue could be nicer, in that MIL could be overwhelming in a loving/excited way. Probably still annoying but I would argue it comes from a better place than a resentful MIL.

This won’t help but I am super fortunate. My MIL is fab. She is helpful, doesn’t overstep the mark and fully understands that my DH is a lazy and can be grumpy/rude idiot at times and doesn’t hesitate to take my/SILs side. She is great with our baby. When my baby was a newborn and everyone was throwing advice at me n telling me not to do this/that she told me to do whatever makes life easiest and what I thought was best !

My mil dumped us when dh put ds before her...

Unfortunately it's not excitement, it's abusive messages being branded all sorts. @SadButTheTruth I think you're me but 10 years ahead!

Why are you putting up with abuse from her?

Oh no, I’m sorry!! I got excited that it was actually something more pleasant. Mine is now absolutely vile in every way but the arrival of DD1 was the trigger. She couldn’t stand that DH had another woman in his life who he out before her and was vile about her, me and then DD2. Always tells mine off for anything when she sees them despite grandchildren belonging to SIL (DH sister) being feral. Has a real issue with my girls “identifying” too much with my family and their culture (we are a mixed race couple). To top it all off has become outrightly racist too over the last year comparing me to Meghan Markle - I wish!!

@Pandapop3 is the abuse aimed at you or your partner??

My partner but they don't have my number to send anything to me. I've been yelled at by them though.
They mainly pretended I didn't exist until I had kids

@Easterisoffeggstooexpensive

My mil dumped us when dh put ds before her...

Mine did the same.

I think you'll find mothers in law aren't a homologous group, they tend to be individuals. You know, a bit like mothers of young children.

After the divorce 🤣

OMG! the headline attracted me to open up and read this post and I wasn't expecting to read comments very similar to my own experience with MIL. I am not glad to read them but feel relieved in a way that I am not the only one! it has been 18 years, she still hasn't grasped the idea that her beloved son in fact has a wife and a teenage daughter, his family comes first (well it doesn't as she makes sure she comes first) I am a very easy going person, hardly ever fought with anyone or fell out with any friends but this woman- God knows I hate her! She is villain

My kids are 15, 15 & 17 and she’s worse… not overly interested in them, but never was… just a self-absorbed, PITA

What do you mean? Calms down about what?

After I got divorced and didn't have to spend any more time with her !!!!!

I think we all know that mother in laws are different and it’s good that there’s a positive experience here, but the fact is even the few of us on this thread have had difficult relationships with ours. I’m relieved to see I’m not alone, but it’s a shame we can’t all be a bit happier. @Pandapop3 my advice is to agree the way forward about how you will deal with her with your partner and tough it out together. The only times things have been really really bad and upsetting is when we haven’t been united.

Thank you @SadButTheTruth I don't think you can understand the emotions in a scenario like this unless you've been there which you obviously have. I was hoping for a bit of positive news like it all calms down when the kids start school but alas!
I was the same as you. I spent decades thinking a good DiL just did as she was told to get on with everyone but I am now dominated by anxiety each day.

Once I figured out what her problem is (severely insecure), I was able to get on with her so much better. She’s worse when she’s worried or anxious about something, it’s weird now I can just acknowledge that’s why she’s acting like an a*sehole and be able to move on. Covid helped a lot, I don’t see her nearly as often, was stuck driving her around for bloody years and she’s 85 now so I think she doesn’t have the same energy to give me a hard time as much anymore. I put up with a lot of shit from her for years.

@Pandapop3 just wishing you the best of luck and hope you survive and then thrive! My DH finally realising how bad things were and him going LC and not pandering to the absolute batshit behaviour, basically drawing a complete line under it, made my life a lot easier . But it really broke him. He’s so sad about his own mother treating him/our family so poorly. I know he feels very cheated and lied to as they were so close when he was obedient.

I guess in terms of a positive outcome you will be surprised at how it can bring you and your partner closer together when you face this type of adversity and I get the anxiety point totally! I still feel nauseous if she phones when I’m within earshot as I know I’ll be getting slated. The passive aggressive crap is as bad as the aggressive aggressive crap too.

Is this the first grandchild or are there others? Any other kids she can focus on instead of your DH?? @TheBigPeach is right that finding an underlying cause helps you understand better, for us there is some depression etc which MIL refuses to try and deal with, but the net effect is still really unpleasant stress inducing attacks.