Learning to have conversations

[KhansMambo]

A lot of posts on here make one ask ‘have you talked to him/them about it? If not, why not?’

I’m not happy about XX doing XX, but I haven’t said anything.

My partner doing XX makes me feel XX.

So and so is doing XX, what do you think that means?

Why is talking to the people in question so often a last resort? It often seems like posters genuinely just don’t know HOW to have a conversation about any sort of serious or abstract subject. Or like it’s never occurred to them.

Why is this, do you think? And how do we fix it?

I think it's rooted in fear - afraid of the outcome of the conversation or finding out something you don't like, or thinking that raising a subject might put someone off you.

It is massively scary but it's one of my biggest takeaways from my separation to do better at it in future relationships.

I simply could not talk to my exH. Everything was twisted and turned against me, his reactions were disproportionate to the issue and he would become aggressive both verbally and sometimes physically. A small niggle would be blown out of all proportion and result in such a negative fall out. I did not want my DC growing up with that going on around them so I put up and shut up for years until I felt able to leave. Incidentally, was terrified to leave and ended up running away when the DC were away at uni so they wouldn't get caught in the crossfire. Best decision of my life!

My DH couldn't do talking. It wasn't until he worked away while the children was small, and was expected to ring every night, that he actually learned how. He struggled to imagine what anyone else might want to talk about.

@picklemewalnuts

My DH couldn't do talking. It wasn't until he worked away while the children was small, and was expected to ring every night, that he actually learned how. He struggled to imagine what anyone else might want to talk about.

This is interesting. How did dating work, then? How did you manage to get married to someone with whom you’d never had a conversation?

I’m not trying to be snarky, by the way. I just genuinely don’t understand.

@KimCheese I think you’re right. But I also think that some people just literally don’t know HOW.

@Macaroni46 Well done for getting out of that!

I think it’s a fear of it not going well or finding out something you wish you didn’t for example- suspecting cheating and then finding out the person in question is cheating.

Some people like to gain others advice before having a chat just incase they have maybe jumped to conclusions or seem like they are being irrational.
I think it’s taken a while for me to able to feel confident enough to have a conversation if I need to. It’s definitely something people need to build towards.

Why? Because people aren't taught good personal communication skills either by parents or in the education system

Personally I think teaching such skills in school including assertive communication would solve a LOT of problems - with lots of role playing and different responses from the person being approached

Some people are hard to talk to because they dismiss everything you say. It's like, Why Bother? It wouldn't be a two-way conversation anyway.

In that case, just make decisions and act on them unilaterally. No conversation needed.

Why is talking to the people in question so often a last resort

People in healthy relationships don't post on forums wondering what their partner's thinking, so what we see here is a cross section of unhealthy relationships. Everyone else is too busy communicating with each other to ask a bunch of strangers on the internet.

A lot of people struggle to talk to themselves about this things in an honest way, let alone talk to their partner.

@KhansMambo I sometimes wonder! I think we were doing things, going places, in groups... we met somewhere interesting with lots going on. The gaps weren't noticeable. Then we only met up at weekends due to other obligations. Then we were married.

Marriage and keeping house inspired less conversation. There were lots of assumptions that of course the other person knew x, y, z.

It seems that they've tried but the partner has shut it down either by shouting or stonewalling which are both aggressive. I think posters are hoping that it's just something that can be fixed with a different technique when the heart of the issue is that their partner doesn't actually care and there's nothing you can do about it.

@Watchkeys

Why is talking to the people in question so often a last resort

People in healthy relationships don't post on forums wondering what their partner's thinking, so what we see here is a cross section of unhealthy relationships. Everyone else is too busy communicating with each other to ask a bunch of strangers on the internet.

This.

I’m so sorry to interrupt, could someone help me with all the abbreviations please? DH etc? Sorry!,

@HopelesslyHopingForLove

I’m so sorry to interrupt, could someone help me with all the abbreviations please? DH etc? Sorry!,

D is always Dear. DH dear husband. DD dear daughter. DF occasionally fiancé, usually father.

There's a handy abbreviation guide on MN somewhere. Explore the site on a pc rather than via an app, and you'll find it.