Not getting on for months. Is this the end?

[wakingupinthesamecity]

Me and DP cannot seem to get on for months now. We've been together for nearly 20 years, have dc pre teen and older teen.

We've both had a hard time this past year. Me with my health (not life threatening but life altering), and him with multiple family bereavements (not absolute immediate family but still close family) and what I think is a bit of a mid life thing.

We have faced things before and always got through them, but this time seems different. It's like all the resentments have just built up and things are really awkward and strained on both sides.

It's like we've hit a brick wall. He hates any talking about emotions or relationship stuff, but in the past we managed to overcome that somehow. Recently when I've tried to talk with him, he just gets annoyed and says he is grieving and how dare I try make him talk.

My view is that things are unravelling between us so we must talk if things are to have a chance. We used to enjoy spending time together but now avoid each other a lot. It seems every weekend one or other is avoiding the other due to arguments.

I just don't know what to do. I love him but I am worn out and sick of the relationship. I think he is too.

Why did we work for so long and now this?

Anyone been in this situation and turned it around? if so, how? Or should I prepare myself that this is the end?

I have not been in your situation so am just writing to give you my sympathy. I hope things will get better for you.

Thanks for your well wishes @Fimofriend . It's like every little bicker goes from 0-60 in seconds . Have been cooking this weekend but would rather be spending time together like we always did, but we cannot spend time together atm without arguments.

that sounds very tiresome. No wonder you are fed up.

Sounds like he doesn't want to resolve anything.

Is there a possibility he's had his head turned?

Sounds like he doesn't want to resolve anything.

Is there a possibility he's had his head turned?

Yes it is like that. He doesn't seem to want to resolve things like he used to.

Re head turned, I highly doubt it, but only because of the way his life is organised makes it highly highly unlikely. I suppose not impossible though. He is not the 'type' either, but with the way things are between us and his mid life crisis then yes I am pretty anxious that if he met someone right now then it might turn that way .

I can remember my DH late grandmother (who had been married 72 years) telling me prior to our wedding that she hated her husband for a whole 3 years at one point and used to dream about all the ways she could kill him off without getting found out 😂 but like everything it goes in cycles and because to her divorce was never an option they just carried on and eventually everything came back right. We've also definitely been through phases like that where neither one can seem to do anything without annoying the other (we are 15 years in now). After 20 years with no previous big issues I think it would be pretty unusual to stop getting on. It sounds like you have both had a lot on. If it were me I wouldn't want to rush into any decisions, maybe set yourself a deadline that if things aren't better by September/Christmas/this time next year or whenever then you will reassess your options x

@Disconipples Wow 72 years!! . We've had previous issues but always managed to come back together again, despite him being completely avoidant about talking about the relationship. This time has been the longest and the coldest and I am just so so fed up.

I have my own personal issues, he is having his, and we just cannot seem to make it work recently.

We seem caught in a cycle.

-I became insecure the past couple of years because my health issues have changed me, physically and mentally.
-He hit mid life stage at the same time.

• He became unhappy at how down on myself and insecure I now get because of how I have changed due to my health. He has a point, I often accuse him of just being with me out of duty to not leave an ill person, I worry about how I will contribute in future.
• We muddled along, although with widening cracks.
• Enter his recent bereavements. Since then he keeps snapping at me for nothing at all, being over critical towards me, if we have an argument over anything, he will shut off and ignore me as much as he can for days or even sometimes a week at a time.
• This fuels my insecurity even more.

I sometimes feel like I can't take any more. I cannot remember a weekend in recent months we've not been arguing. Also, we used to be so affectionate and that has lessened even when we are not arguing. Not him or me, just that it feels a bit awkward now and there is a lack of warmth.

I’ve been with my husband 20 years and going through the exact same thing. It’s huge resentments that are now spilling out from him. Weekends used to be fun. Like you, I don’t know what to do.

same here. Is it a mid life crisis on their part - like they can't deal with getting older? No that I find it easy, but i get on with it. with no affection at all and none of that sense of being important in his life.

@needmorethanthis and @wordleaddict

Yes. Exactly the same as you both. Sorry you are in the same positions.

Eventually after hours of text - arguing today (I was taking the DC out) he sent

"Okay, I will listen to you and help fix things."

I don't know anymore.