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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it worth trying to save this mess?

22 replies

endofmytether22 · 10/04/2022 10:53

I've NC for this.

Almost 7 years with DP, not married. We have an almost 1 year old baby.

Before I had the baby things were really good. We've had our ups and downs as couples do, but always knew deep down I loved him and wanted to be with him. That was never in question.

Since the birth of DD, things have rapidly sped downhill. At first, it was good. We were in a little bubble of happiness and love as a little family. Now, we almost hate each other.

Here's some of the key problems:

  • i feel like I never see him. he works so many hours (including overtime) to bring in money. His jobs means working shifts, often evenings, early mornings, nights, and every other weekend. It leaves me with a lot of the household and childcare responsibilities on my shoulders. I'm exhausted, especially as I'm now back at work FT after mat leave.
  • communication is really poor, he never wants to talk about the argument we had that morning for example. He has a very low tolerance for frustration and hates talking about feelings - he will just get huffy or avoid it. Whereas if there's a problem between us, I'm desperate to talk and clear the air and make a connection with him. So we just don't "fit" in that sense, and resentment ticks on, as nothing gets properly resolved.
  • I have just gone back to work FT too from maternity leave. I'm really feeling the mental and emotional pressure of this. Struggling with leaving the baby, but also struggling with a whole new level of exhaustion that working FT with a baby brings.
  • I suffered quite badly with PND and PNA. I've been in therapy since baby was 6 weeks old and I've worked hard to try to overcome my struggles. I'm still working with my therapist now. DP says he is "exhausted" with my struggles and the empathy he had at the beginning is now mostly gone. I can be sitting crying at the dining table and he will walk in and then back out of the room as though I'm invisible. No attempt to comfort me.
  • we have absolutely no family support at all. Not one person. We are an exhausted 2 man team who both now work FT.
  • we have no intimacy or sexual connection. We had an amazing sex life pre baby. Now we don't even share a bed and I can't stand him even seeing me get changed, whereas previously I'd have used this as an opportunity to flirt and connect with him in a playful way. Now, I don't want him to even look my way when I'm undressing.
  • I hate my post baby body (used to be a toned size 8-10 my whole life, now a size 12 which isn't huge I accept, but it's not "me"). I'm too exhausted to go to the gym like I used to.

I'm trying to work out if I still love him but the immense pressure we have been under for the past year has made me feel like I hate him; or if the love has gone now and this is not longer salvageable.

We have spoken about relationship counselling in recent months but we didn't go ahead with it at that time. I'm not sure if revisiting this is a good idea.

I'm so lost and don't know whether to cut my losses and walk away and get on with life as a single mum, or keep trying with this man (which feels like repeatedly banging my head off a wall trying to get him to understand my perspective).

Does anyone have any advice please?

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endofmytether22 · 10/04/2022 10:55

I'm sorry that was so long!

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endofmytether22 · 10/04/2022 11:13

Anyone? Sad

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slimshady18 · 10/04/2022 11:16

i feel so sad for you you sound like you really need a breakDaffodilmaybe you should talk to your gp? and work on that self esteem of yours, you sound amazing x

endofmytether22 · 10/04/2022 11:26

Thank you for your reply. I do desperately need a break. I'm just not sure whether to walk away from him and try to do this alone. I feel really lost with it all.

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Easterisoffeggstooexpensive · 10/04/2022 11:29

Imo no family support =find a decent babysitter...
Ask at your dc's nursery for recommendations.. Other dps.. You are stuck in a cycle of work - dc - sleep..

Theghostofchristmasarse · 10/04/2022 11:35

You could have been describing my marriage. I've been separated 2 years now. DH and I were fantastic friends, I described him as my best friend and we I thought worked great together, until we had children. Both were very needy as babies, I took on nearly all the mental load of raising them, I felt like everyone relied on me to manage everything, plus working as a teacher, full time. He was like having another child. We recently had our 12 year old diagnosed as ASD and he's finally admitted he has traits, they are very similar.

Resentment set in big time, we did have moments over the next 10 years when I fancied him or we had really good periods, usually on holidays or when we were away doing something different. But day to day life with him was more difficult. He drank a lot and admitted during counseling that he'd not been happy for about 3 years.
We did try counseling, my heart wasn't in it, and I had my head turned by a friend I started having feelings for. Not proud of that at all but I was just so miserable and felt so unsupported. I ended the marriage this time 2 years ago during lockdown. It was horrible for months, but we are all in a much better place now. It's not easy, there are days when I wish we'd tried a bit more, when I worry about money and the future, the divorce etc and think was it worth it ..but then there are times when he's still thoughtless and unsupportive with the children or cold with them, and I know it was the right choice. He still relies on me, I still do all the work, the organisation, etc, but I do it so the kids have an easy transition to staying with him 2 X a week. I grit my teeth when he asks for lifts, or asks me stupid questions he could easily find out himself. He barely contacts them in between visits and whilst that suits me, I feel for them that they know their dad doesn't really consider that important.

I'm with the friend now, only been a few months, but the difference is astounding. He asks about my day, and wants to know, he asks about the kids, he listens, if I'm upset he notices and asks me what's wrong. That's in part because we don't share a home or responsibilities but see each other on our own terms, twice a week. Life is easier when you know you have yourself only to rely on.

I'm skint, I may have to sell the home I love, but we are managing and the three of us together have a lovely life. Yes it could be easier with more money, with more time to myself (I've had to give up running as I just can't get out of the house, and mine are 7 and 12) and I have family nearby who help a lot, so I'm lucky.

However, I would advise that you try counseling, try to make it clear to him that it's serious now, because I feel guilty and I do regret that I didn't try harder at the time, or speak up earlier before the damage was done. Life would be easier if we'd sorted out or problems early on when we had babies. But at the same time, I know we did our best with what we knew then, so to some extent I think we did all we could.

Good luck, it's so hard when you realise that having children just changes your relationship totally. It might get better, it really might, but it's also ok to realise if it's run its course. ExDH was devastated when I told him I couldn't do it anymore, but after a week of 'trying' he thanked me for doing it, as he said he never would have had the guts to. We get on ok now, although I often mutter twat under my breath as I drive away after dropping off the kids 😬😂 but it's better than doing it in front of them when we lived together!

converseandjeans · 10/04/2022 11:42

Do you both have to work such long hours? Is DP working such long hours because he has to or is he avoiding coming home?

It must be challenging (for him) if you're often tearful & have had PND. Supporting someone who is depressed can be hard work. Have you thought how he might feel?

Would you be able to work less so that there's more time to get things done at home? Or could DP work less?

Sorry it's such hard work. Maybe you need medication?

speakball · 10/04/2022 11:48

He has fundamental personality issues that he would have to even recognise to begin to address. Walking in then out when he sees you upset would be the death knell for me. Even a neighbour wouldn't do that. You're living with someone who has contempt for you and your response and pain is entirely logical. Couples therapy is a bad idea when one person won't recognise abuse.

MaChienEstUnDick · 10/04/2022 11:54

The first year after a baby can be the most difficult time of your life. There is so much going on here: you're struggling, he can't (or won't) support you, he's using work as an excuse to avoid you, your sexual relationship has changed (this is entirely natural) and you've just gone back to work FT while still dealing with PND. I see you're in therapy too which is amazing but you mustn't underestimate how difficult and tiring that can be on top of everything else.

You both definitely need time to reconnect and redraw your relationship - and if this can't be done in a way that meets the needs of everyone in the family, then it's time to call a halt to it. The problem is (I think) that it's impossible to do this when everything is so fraught, busy and oppositional. You are at the end of your rope and so my advice is actually that you have to protect yourself and your own mental health first (put your own seatbelt on first, in other words).

So what would that look like for you? If you're back at work, can you get a walk in at lunchtime? I used to live next door to a pub which was next door to a nursery and I regularly used to see a woman in there on her own with a book and glass of wine at 4.30 before picking her DC up at 5.30! Could even a tiny wee juggle of your hours give you an hour on your own every day?

I know that seems like nothing and not a solution to what's going on, but you need a mental break and you need it urgently. Nothing else can be fixed when you are so overwhelmed lass.

rookiemere · 10/04/2022 11:56

He doesn't sound like a bad man, you both just sound stretched beyond what is feasible on an ongoing basis.
The first couple of years with a baby is hard and throw PND and long working hours into the equation, and it sounds just horrible.
Can either of you reduce the pressure by reducing your hours ?

endofmytether22 · 10/04/2022 12:08

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I have requested a reduction in hours, I am waiting for this to be approved but it's looking likely. If it's approved I'll get one day off a week with DD. This will help my mental well-being hugely (albeit it means a slight financial sacrifice but can't have it all).

DP has requested to do the same on a different day of the week (his was recently agreed), meaning if mine is also agreed, we have childcare covered for 2 out of 5 days, which will help us financially.

The downside to me reducing my hours by a day a week is that DP would need to work a bit extra overtime to make up that shortfall.

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endofmytether22 · 10/04/2022 12:09

Also this doesn't give us any extra time together as a couple or family, to try and work on things.

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endofmytether22 · 10/04/2022 12:10

@speakball

He has fundamental personality issues that he would have to even recognise to begin to address. Walking in then out when he sees you upset would be the death knell for me. Even a neighbour wouldn't do that. You're living with someone who has contempt for you and your response and pain is entirely logical. Couples therapy is a bad idea when one person won't recognise abuse.

I have said a few times to him, it feels like you absolutely hate me and just look at me with contempt. He denies it. But I can see it.

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rookiemere · 10/04/2022 12:18

Well he might be a psychopath or he might be at the end of his tether with exhaustion. It's hard to tell.

rookiemere · 10/04/2022 12:20

I think it's worth focusing on your own well-being first and your babies. Once you're feeling a bit better, then look at the relationship, but personally I'd park any big decisions for now.

endofmytether22 · 10/04/2022 13:42

I wish I had the time to focus on my own wellbeing. That's a huge part of the problem and why I am so burnt out.

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jamsandwich1 · 11/04/2022 09:15

I can empathise with a lot of what you’re saying here. In the first year after having my second I had PNA/PND, it was lockdown and my DH had important exams so essentially was only around for a few hours on a Sunday afternoon. We were both completely exhausted (DD didn’t sleep and small age gap between her and DS)
I think we were both just operating at capacity. There was no time to do anything for ourselves and DH was so busy with work that there wasn’t ever any time to discuss our problems. We would just have blazing row after blazing row and neither of us were treating each other with any respect. I resented that he was giving me no support and he was stressed with work.
Things are settling down now after a year (DD now 18mo) although not perfect the things that have helped are me going back to work (I look on it as a break if that makes sense) and now DH picks up more of the load at home.
I would advise you stay on top of your prescriptions. I know it’s hard but you need to put yourself first sometimes. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
I imagine slowly things may get better with time but just to say you’re not alone. Everything you said resonated with me.

endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 12:32

There was no time to do anything for ourselves and DH was so busy with work that there wasn’t ever any time to discuss our problems. We would just have blazing row after blazing row and neither of us were treating each other with any respect.

Every word of this is EXACTLY what's happening.

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Torontoflyer · 11/04/2022 13:15

I'm so lost and don't know whether to cut my losses and walk away and get on with life as a single mum, or keep trying with this man (which feels like repeatedly banging my head off a wall trying to get him to understand my perspective).

I hate to say this, as I have every sympathy with you working ft with a baby. The disturbed sleep is soul-destroying, as is the lack of help. But fwiw I think you both need to understand one another's perspectives. It's not just up to him to understand yours.

From his pov, he is probably exhausted from working night and evening shifts and non stop work. Men tend to be very objective focused and he probably feels he is doing his best. He's crap at "feelings" and obviously could be much more sensitive to you but possibly that's not something he is doing deliberately to hurt you.

And you are exhausted from doing ft hrs, plus the bulk of the childcare. You understandably resent the fact that he has no time left over for you or your relationship and to help more with the baby and are getting understandably resentful as you feel alone in what should be a "let's pull together as a team" situation.

Both of you are under stress and tired it's really difficult to communicate well in those situations.

In your shoes I would book a baby-sitter and go out with him and just try and have a nice evening. Resist the temptation to discuss deep feelings or your relationship. Just try and connect back with one another as friends. Flowers

And maybe think about trying to get a babysitter for a time like Saturday morning when you are both feeling less sleep deprived and go for a walk together or a coffee and try and reconnect. I would almost prioritise paying for more regular babysitting help than reducing hours tbh. Three hours support on a Saturday morning can work wonders if it's a regular thing as you can both start to look forward to it and just the thought of it can help get you through the week.

This sounds awful but it's not your dh's job to make you feel better about your size (and you sound perfectly lovely to me!) or ultimately be your therapist but he does need to take on more childcare responsibilities and do more around the house and be generally more supportive. I don't mean this in a horrible way. But I think sometimes it's better to have more realistic expectations of a relationship as there is only so much one person can give to another (this applies to both sexes or both people of same sex in a relationship).

We mainly feel sexy and attractive when we exude confidence and feel good about ourselves. Yes it's helpful if your DH notices you and compliments you, but mainly it comes from within.

And ultimately, no one else can sort out our mh for us. Yes it's normal to expect support from a partner or spouse but ultimately it's up to us to seek support and treatment which you have done. So give that time to work.

Sorry, I know this will come across as very uncaring and harsh but I think things will be easier for you if you feel less confused. Do you think it is the relationship with your DH that is bringing you down or is it the situation you both find yourself in?

Take care Flowers

MaChienEstUnDick · 11/04/2022 13:38

@endofmytether22

I wish I had the time to focus on my own wellbeing. That's a huge part of the problem and why I am so burnt out.
Ok so one of the great things about having a wee one in childcare is it gives you permission to not be supermum. My DS used to go to nursery 3 days a week, fabulous for him etc etc but also very stimulating for him. That meant on at least one of my two days at home with him, we did very little. Potter about in jammies, maybe have a bit of TV, if he wanted to spend an hour emptying his clothes drawer and putting everything back in again, he could. No groups, meet-ups or schedules, just a day to decompress at home.

I think doing that on your day off (at least in the beginning) might help. No housework either, don't look on this as a day to get everything done! That might help. And actually, it might also help your DH to adopt the same mindset on his day with the DC.

jamsandwich1 · 11/04/2022 22:18

@endofmytether22 I really feel for you, last year was the toughest year of my life. I just felt like I was on a relentless treadmill of drudgery and exhaustion and there just wasn’t any time to sort any relationship issues out. Thinking about it, when DD started sleeping better and I got my evenings back things did start to improve. Hang in there.

endofmytether22 · 11/04/2022 22:29

@jamsandwich1

Thank you for making me feel less alone with it all. I'm glad things have improved for you, I hope they can for me too. Maybe when DD starts to sleep better as getting our evenings back and not being so exhausted will help us hugely I think.

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