What makes you happy if you are alone

[WindsChange]

NC’d.
So the divorce is going ahead, I have been separated for over a year and have since found out about an affair .
I feel utterly heartbroken still as we had been married for 10 years and I really believed we were made for each other, so happy - shared hobbies and interests, supportive and loving and no arguments etc. None of it makes sense to me even now. But I accept it is what it is. But I don’t want to have another relationship. Friends have started suggesting I get out dating again now but I have no desire. To be honest I feel as if I could live forever without a relationship at the moment as I never want to be in that position of being cut in half by betrayal again. I would rather live a safer life alone, knowing no one can destroy it, break my heart and upend my financial stability.
Sadly, no DC, although I had wanted them it didn’t happen.
So what can I do to make myself feel a bit less alone? All my friends are in relationships/ have DC so although I have good friends they have different lives and priorities.
I just need to know how to find happiness in my life as it’s not turned out how I hoped it would . I had an abusive childhood and have had a lot of therapy to deal with that, I had been doing a lot better but now I feel as if I’m sinking again and no one would really notice if I wasn’t here and I don’t want to live like that I know I need to find meaning again. Any words of wisdom appreciated.

I’m sorry things have been so tough for you, but I promise they will get better. I look back at the woman who fell apart, threatened suicide and got carted off in an ambulance for a psychiatric referral and think “wtf? Who was she?”.

I’m now 6 years out and I’m sat here on a Sunday morning with my good coffee, dog and cat and I feel 100% content.

I haven’t dated and have absolutely zero desire to meet anyone. I’m really happy in my own company.

Last night I watched a couple of episodes of “sweet magnolias” - it’s a bit saccharine but made me realise that female friendships are the best. I had a couple of violet gins and woke up when I was ready.

I think some people put pressure on you to date because it’s still somehow seen as “odd” to choose to be single - but I don’t have any married friends who are truly happy with their end of the deal.

Chin up chick - you’ll look back upon this period of your life with relief.

I just want to say how strong and lovely you sound. Strong, lovely and absolutely ready to get through this next phase in your life’s adventure.

I somewhat relate to the searing pain of life not turning out as planned (I have two failed/ended engagements whichever way you want to slice it) and want to share some of my thought processes recently. Perhaps they will help you.

Like you I have no desire to date again right now. I also realise that my friends, understandably, have different priorities and that I need to be my own best friend, at least for now.

• there is nothing that makes me happier than seeing my dog bounding off in some forbidden field/beach we’ve discovered. Perhaps you don’t love animals but they can teach you a lot about living in the moment and what love really is

• just imagine that the best experiences of your life are yet to come. The most delicious food, the most hilarious joke, the most exotic trip. It’s all waiting for you, whether you’re alone or accompanied. The best really is yet to come

-the best moments (imo) happen when you log off social media and soak up the experiences that you find yourself in. Savour that coffee, drink in a sunny day. Comparison is the thief of joy. Not everyone is ecstatically happy, struggles come in different forms, everyone goes through pain etc. I

-you have the power to shape your life in any direction you wish. Savour it. Wear your best outfits, book the class/experience/flight, decorate your flat in fuscia

I struggle too sometimes, OP. But then I realise I’m alive and I’m going to see it through 😊 happy to talk if you want to vent

Thank you both, your messages made me smile this morning and I’ve since been out for a walk in the sun with my wonderful little dog and am feeling brighter.
@Ywnaged I’m certainly a huge animal lover too. To be honest I’ve been really stressing over my dog since me ex left as we used to work opposite hours so she was hardly left alone. Now I have to pay a dog walker and she’s alone a lot more so I’ve felt very guilty but she is extremely attached to me and quite an anxious dog so I don’t think either of us would cope with me rehoming her . It would kill me too but I would do whatever is best for her but I think staying with me is best.. I hope!
So I make the most of things for her and we walk and cuddle before and after work and on days off I make it all about her - am doing my best for her, I would never have got a dog if I had known ex was going to leave, but we just don’t know how life will turn out do we! I’m just going to make the most of things for her and she seems happy enough.

I’m so glad I posted as your messages have given me hope and the sun is shining so that always helps .

I can totally relate to what you are saying. In a very similar position except my divorce came through a couple of weeks ago. I’ve also kept our dog but work full time and would never have got one but my exh worked shifts so it was fine. I also feel really guilty and can’t afford a dog walker at the mo but we go on long walks before and after work, and like you, weekends and holidays are all about him-he’s truly been a god send for me as it’s made me get out and about and even just silly things like appreciating the sunshine or watching the buds on trees come through has made me hopeful. I do volunteering for a cause close to my heart which has put me in touch with people from different ages and life stages (know what you mean about friends being married with DC), joined a running club and started a side hustle from home which gives me fulfilment. I’m a bit different in that I have a DD at home but I do still feel like I need to learn how to build a single life as she’ll fly the nest soon. Totally agree on never being so hurt and financially precarious due to someone else-not going there again!! Take care and do share any tips you have x

I have to say I LOVE being single! Have been single for 4 years now after the sudden end of my marriage. That in itself was very traumatic (as in, he ended up in prison) and if took me a good year to come to terms with that then I just never felt the need to try to meet someone and haven’t since. I would never rule it out and if I ever feel like I want to date, I’ll try it, but I just haven’t felt that need.

I was going to say definitely get a cat/dog if you don’t already have one. I know you work but make the most of walking him/her whenever you can, it’s good to have something to force you to leave the house at times!!

Enjoy that feeling of being in control of your own life, your own security, and your own happiness. Do what you want, when you want. Make the effort with friends, even if they have kids and you don’t (I’m in the same situation), go to places that their kids can go to as well and enjoy spending time with them. Find a hobby if that’s your sort of thing, one where you meet people would be good.

If not, just enjoy reading, watching films/series, cooking, podcasts, gardening, walking, diy or even that satisfaction from cleaning or decorating your house exactly how YOU want it.

Be happy 😊

I'm sorry you've had something like this happen to you

How old are you op?

I'm a solo mother by choice, I had IVF using a sperm donor and gave birth to a lovely baby boy 4 months ago.

Would you consider doing it alone?

I think looking back the only reason why I ended up on OLD was because I desperately wanted a family. I did have two brief relationships off OLD but again I found myself wishing to be single ultimately.

Single life can be amazing. Romantic relationships are idealised by society and so few find compatible, long term partners. Many compromise. Most of us are incompatible with most of us!

This is really timely for me as this is something I currently struggle with.

Separated for 3 years after discovering his affair. Together for over 20 years before this.

I just feel lost now, like I don't have a purpose a lot of the time. One teen DC who is with me 2/3rds of the time.

In theory I should be happy. Full time job, lots of hobbies, lots of friends, 2 cats.

But I struggle with losing my little family, being a part time mum, I'm a bit of a lost soul currently.

Would love to be at peace with being single!

There was a great threat in AIBU a couple of weeks back about the best things post separation- loads of things I feared at first but now love, like a quiet house and bed to myself!

Others see relationships as the be all and end all. I just shut that shit down as quickly as possible.

Oh not trying to derail the thread OP but @KimCheese can you link to that thread. Am separating atm & could do with something to look forward to.

Can I join? Just over two years separated from an abusive marriage where he cheated relentlessly, my self esteem is at 0% and pretty much given up meeting a decent bloke after horrendous OLD experiences.

I want to feel positive about being single instead of angry and sad about it. I miss being a wife sometimes and often sit on the seafront by myself watching couples, speculating and wondering how they stay together. I feel a bit lost and very unwanted and I feel bitter that my exH is living his best life with the OW and their new family.

I'm loving some of the posts from others here so please keep the good thoughts coming!

I've just bought a house after my horrendous divorce and never planned to be single. I've been grieving the loss of the old me - wife, friend, mother as things have been awful. My house needs so much work I'm working on it 24/7. But, this morning I went outside with my AirPods and favourite playlist to sort out the broken and overgrown greenhouse. I saw the sun shine and order start to appear from the chaos and my favourite song to dance and sing to came on. I sang my little heart out and danced like a mad woman all around my greenhouse and felt more joy than I gave felt for a long time!! I try to take comfort in little things and appreciate my life.

How old are you OP? When this happened to me in my 30s, I gave up my job, moved county and went to university to do something fun. Totally changed my life. It was such fun and I met loads of new people and had the best time

I breathed a huge sigh of relief when I was divorced.
For the first time in 14 years I could read what I wanted, watch what I wanted on TV, do a jigsaw, go out if I wanted.....

You will be great, i too found evidence of an affair (or 6) after he left and in all honesty I just felt relief.

You've got this x

Take some time to just rest and recover from the divorce, OP. Then sit down and think about what you would like to do with the rest of your life.
If you had an abusive childhood and an unhappy marriage, you may have never had the chance to please yourself, or to discover your own strengths, talents and interests - you were always having to prioritise other people.
Where would you like to travel or visit, is there a sport or hobby you’d like to try, are there local groups for walkers or meet ups, do you fancy evening classes, etc.
This is your time now, to explore yourself and find out who you are and what you enjoy doing. Get out there and try whatever takes your fancy!

Oh bless you OP, it’s a horrid time at the moment but you have lots ahead of you and you sound strong and ready to embrace it.

I’m three years down the line and have a lovely life. I keep thinking about dating but I’m not in the right place with my kids the ages they are, and frankly I’d struggle to find the time.
Things that make me happy are my lovely home, which I’ve filled with books and music. I have an amazing group of friends who so have nurtured and leant on in equal measure - we go out a lot or have a brew/glass of wine. There’s impromptu kitchen discos and gigs and events lined up. I love a solo theatre trip which was daunting at first but a lovely way to spend an evening.
Work keeps me busy and I’m lucky that I enjoy my job. I’m cuddled up in bed with my cat and the remote control all to myself. I enjoy the gym ( I know that’s not for everyone) and have a lovely little community there.
I’m content. I’d be lying if I don’t sometimes feel nostalgic and miss the life I had before, but it didn’t turn out the way I thought it would.
I feel proud of the life I’ve made for myself- to the point I’m not really sure I want to let anyone in on a romantic level!
I think on reflection the thing that makes me happiest is community. Oh, and I have a decent handyman to do all the practical stuff that I miss XH doing - he was good at all that.

I hope you find peace too ❤️ I think there’s a lot to be said for creating your own life.

Wow, so many of us in similar situations.

I think reading this has made me realise I sometimes forget the food and focus on the things I've lost/the sadness/anger that I feel.

I stayed in the marital home and bought him out, I've been decorating it and making it more mine than ours. I've just finished my bedroom which I literally gutted, preserved new bedding last night which when it comes it will look lovely.

The thing I really need is to think about what I want and that's the struggle I have, I'm 52, we'd planned to retire together at 60, now I have a mortgage until I'm 69 and the plans of travelling with someone for part of the year now gone.

@MollyVolley

Oh not trying to derail the thread OP but *@KimCheese* can you link to that thread. Am separating atm & could do with something to look forward to.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4500216-Let-me-know-the-good-things-about-being-single-please