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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Shared intimacy

25 replies

BlueJ2022 · 10/04/2022 09:06

This one I imagine many have but probably not to this extent.

Each time I'm on my lady time, my DH would still like a sexual release. I understand that, and will happily help him do so in other ways. But all intimacy towards me disappears which I'm not so happy about. I've said to him so many times that I will not continue doing things for him if I am getting nothing in return. Such as massages, being held etc. He will rub is hand on my shoulders for about 30 seconds a couple times a month and thinks this is a massage.

It got to the point the other day where he made an advance I responded about having to wait 3 months like my massage. A few days later I forced him to do it which he did so with moans and groans and 5 minutes in he complained his fingers hurt...

Even in sex at times he'll want it and say it to me during the day when one or both of us are at work or out so can't act on it. When we're in bed that evening or the following morning, he will just lie on the bed, under covers with his eyes closed. To the point I will ask do you want to have sex, he will say yes but stay like that. So I will wait for him to wake up, as I'm not sure what to do with literally no engagement. We discussed this and he now belittles me waiting for him and states "staring at him" is what I am classifying as a sexual advance. Completely discounting that all I was doing was waiting for him to not be asleep or a mummy.

Anyway it came to the point that this time on my lady time I was so annoyed with the lack of engagement and intimacy being received that I didn't help him either. Which was resulted in it being my fault... When I said to him he hasn't been doing anything, I mentioned the lack of them the other day, I explained that 30 seconds now again doesn't really count any more than me stroking him for 30 seconds would. But this then still remained my fault because I was just twisting things to make them his fault.

He is saying that if I won't help him he'll find someone else too. Which though I doubt it I'm sure if he did he would make out it was my fault he turned to that. But he did also say that if I did help him and I got massages from elsewhere that would be ok. Of course in reality it wouldn't be, I'm sure despite his approval he would state it was also my fault I shouldn't be doing that. Maybe he should just start paying me to as everything seems so very one way and contractual.

We have had this discussion about the lack of intimacy on my lady time, so many times and it's always the same. I will do it and he won't and we end up back here when I stop bothering. Not sure what to do as I'm sick and tired of the cycle. Any advice?

OP posts:

TurningUpMyStereotype · 10/04/2022 09:10

Lady time.

Unanananana · 10/04/2022 09:15

Lady time?

Him threatening to find it elsewhere would be enough to make me want to never have any sort of sexual contact with him ever again. He is treating you like a wank sock. Aren't you worth more?

Knutface · 10/04/2022 09:15

Not sure I understand the OP. Are you saying that your partner doesn’t want/like touching you but expects you to touch/massage him? Sounds like a selfish prick, get rid.

Gowithme · 10/04/2022 09:24

Sounds awful OP, and it's called a period.

KateTheEighth · 10/04/2022 09:30

Good grief

IdblowJonSnow · 10/04/2022 09:38

Lady time?!!

Your DH is a right old arse isn't he. I'd let him 'find someone else' personally!!

crimsonlake · 10/04/2022 09:38

It all sounds sexually one sided with you doing all the work. Happy to receive, but reluctant to give back.

Rainbowpurple · 10/04/2022 09:42

Sorry but what is he doing with his eyes closed under the duvet waiting for sex??? Don't understand it.

tintodeverano2 · 10/04/2022 09:50

I doubt that any other woman would put up with that behaviour.

And lady time? Do you turn into a man for the rest of the month?

lollipoprainbow · 10/04/2022 09:52

Is this a joke

Original poster

BlueJ2022 · 10/04/2022 10:06

Exactly what I am trying to say to him. I've tried to explain to him how he is being one sided, applying double standards and used the 30 second massage for me equates to a 30 second hand job for him. But he just will not disregard it and complain about another aspect of the discussion or will say I'm an twisting things. It's like talking to a brick wall

OP posts:

Original poster

BlueJ2022 · 10/04/2022 10:09

Neither do I. Hence why I have no idea what to do with him. He asks for sex then will lie like a mummy, what am I supposed to do?!! It's weird

OP posts:

TheDaydreamBelievers · 10/04/2022 10:17

It's stonewalling - a way of shutting a partner down and not having to listen or change behaviour. This plus threatening (saying he will seek sex elsewhere) are emotionally abusive and coercive behaviours. Worth considering that if you are only agreeing to sex at particular times because otherwise he will leave, that isn't fully consensual sex.

Is your sex life when you are not on your period equal, or is it still all about him?

Original poster

BlueJ2022 · 10/04/2022 10:18

We've been together for years. I feel like sex, more so intimacy is a big part of a relationship. I also feel like the things I'm saying are so silly, and not to end a generally good relationship over. But they are big enough that he can argue about it and threaten what he said.

The lack of intimacy is frustrating, as is the one sidedness of it all. Then there is the controlling aspect the comment about finding it elsewhere brings to it. It takes everything to a whole different level, one I don't want to be on

OP posts:

Original poster

BlueJ2022 · 10/04/2022 10:28

It is generally equal outside of this.

I have concerns about the comment also, it's very much controlling behaviour. I have no interest in being in a controlling relationship.

I was missing something, I understand it's hard to see the whole picture on posts. But I have done by best to state everything from both parties which has been said or done in the past couple weeks.

OP posts:

babywalker56 · 10/04/2022 10:38

I hate reading stuff like this, what is wrong with some men. I couldn’t imagine someone pestering me when I’m on my period to please them sexually and then not even wanting to give me a 5 minute massage fuck that. Don’t really know what advice we can give you. He’s already saying he’ll look for it elsewhere so if that’s the case, let him!

miltonj · 10/04/2022 11:19

He's awful. Go find someone else to have proper sex with and don't look back.

Also, calling your period 'lady time', is so weird that I struggled to read.

NippyWoowoo · 10/04/2022 11:36

'Lady time' great first post

Goldengoosey · 10/04/2022 13:47

Aside from cringing at the lady time patter. Like others I cannot imagine being expected to help my partner have what you call a sexual release when I’m feeling shit on my period. Can he not just go and have a wank. When I have my period I want to lie and watch trashy telly or read my book and eat chocolate. I’m not interested in my husband’s sexual needs for a whole 4 days out of a month. He sounds quite odd and threatening you if you don’t comply he will find someone else who will confirms he is an arsehole. Tell him to jog on

GreyCarpet · 10/04/2022 16:43

Lady time?

If you mean period then you can say it, you know. We're all.over the age of 10 here. We know what they are.

In personal experience, people who use odd euphemisms - eg lady time, 'intimacy' (when they mean sex) or, in the case of my ex husband "horrible area/downstairs' for genitals, have wider issues around sex.

2DogsOnMySofa · 10/04/2022 21:26

Anyone who said they'd find it elsewhere would be an ex

PoshWatchShitShoes · 10/04/2022 22:21

I can't get past "lady time" 😂

SunflowerTed · 10/04/2022 23:42

@TurningUpMyStereotype

Lady time.

I know!! 😹

SunflowerTed · 10/04/2022 23:42

@PoshWatchShitShoes

I can't get past "lady time" 😂

Same

anewway · 10/04/2022 23:52

I don't get it OP. So outside lady time if he wants sex he notifies you by text in the day then lays and waits for you to hop on ? Is he ready and waiting or you have to erm warm him up whilst he lies there ? Does he do anything to you ?

I do get it as I think a lot of men think the sign of a 🍆 and is women are good to go, a lot men don't get foreplay and that it starts with attitude and nice things like massages and not threatening to get another women in during your period.

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