Left out again, what's wrong with me?

[Leftontheedgeagain]

When DS started school last year, I became quite good friends with 3 or 4 of the other Mum's. We've had drinks and meals out, the odd breakfasts when the kids are at school, we get on really well and I now think of them as good friends. Sometimes I can't always make breakfast/coffee mornings as I work (I am the only one who does, the other's are stay at home Mum's) and sometimes they won't invite me as they know I'll be working, which is fair enough. I've just been on FB and they've all gone out for a meal. It seems so childish but I'm quite upset that they didn't even think to ask me. I only met up with one of them with the children the other day and nothing was mentioned. I'm starting to wonder what is wrong with me, as this is not the first time I've been left out of things with a friendship group. I consider myself a nice person (am frequently told I am) I'm not overbearing nor am I a shrinking violet but I just always seem to eventuallly find mysef on the edge of the group and I don't know how to change or even what to change to stop that from happening. I also feel really silly to be a grown arse woman and be so upset by it. What's wrong with me that I'm always left out or an after thought?

I think you need to ask why. Assuming it was just these mums and not a larger group that isnt connected to you

I’m interested to hear others thoughts because this always happens to me too. I’ve found there’s always a ring leader. One who does the organising. I think the trick is not to invest everything in school mum friends. They are fair weather. You need to find friends that are from hobbies and work and start setting up your own things. Eg set up your own school mum book club (not including these women) start making other mates

I think it's more thoughtless, than deliberate. I'm the only one who works in my friendship group and it often happens to me.

@needmorethanthis I do have other friends but my circle is small, DS1 (age 13) is autistic and I lost a few friends along the way who didn't understand his needs, so I was quite pleased to get on really well with these ladies. There is definitely one who is the organiser and it's a running joke in the group.

@2DogsOnMySofa just makes me sad that I'm clearly easily forgettable. I'm also annoyed with myself that I'm letting it get to me so much. I feel really deflated this morning

I think you are reading too much into this. Obviously they meet up more frequently and this is part of that.

I think just widen your friendship options. School mum friends can be great but it's healthy to have others, too.

I know it's hard when you have a child with a disability, so many people are so fucking clueless, but there are good people too.

Do you ever arrange the things yourself? If not maybe that's why. They all take turns organising and you don't so maybe it feels like you're the one who's less keen than them on hanging out? Could be but don't know!

How much time do you put into maintenance of the friendships?

In my wider group of mum friends, there are several who don’t make much of an effort on the whatsapp group, don’t check in with people etc, and I’m sorry to say those are the ones who tend to get left out of plans
Not out of malice but a lot start off informally or one-to-one, and they just get forgotten about as the plan evolves

Unfortunately even if you are all friends, I think it's rude to be expected to be invited all the time. They are allowed to meet up without you, maybe they are closer friends than what you think?
I had a friend like yourself who was the same whenever I met up with friends without her and honestly it pushed me away when she bitched at me that she wasn't invited.

@MrsIglesias you could be on to something there actually. I do try and organise things but I would say less so than the others as depends on how DS1 is. He doesn't like to leave the house at all, so can be a bit trickier for me as obviously I don't like to leave him alone for any length of time if he's having a bad day (he has made threats of self harm/express suicidal thoughts previously)

@TheMarvelousMrsMaisel I think to call me rude is a tad harsh. I don't "expect" to be invited everytime and I would certainly never bitch to them about it, I don't mention it at all. I'm aware they can meet up without me, this is not the first time I've been left out but they would never know how I feel, as I just say I hope they had a nice time. I've had "friends" (not Mum friends but people who I considered were truly my friends) drop me before when DS1 was younger because they didn't understand autism. Being left out a lot of the time triggers those feelings again, which I appreciate is my issue and not theirs but I can't help but feel a little sad at being left out

Why not send a message along the lines of: seeing you guys on a night out the other night made me realise I haven't caught up with you all for ages. How about meeting up some time in April and I'll organise

@Deedee121

Why not send a message along the lines of: seeing you guys on a night out the other night made me realise I haven't caught up with you all for ages. How about meeting up some time in April and I'll organise

That's a good idea, think I'll do that.

I think to call me rude is a tad harsh.

It absolutely was very harsh and unnecessary.

I have been there and it can be very hurtful. You don't expect when you ask advice to be told you're the one in the wrong...

Hope it goes well

It’s probably something they organised when you weren’t there and so you were forgotten about.
I’d try be more present - I know you work and can’t be there during the day but be more vocal on group chats, organise the next thing - with and without kids.