Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex narc partner taking our son away for the weekend

13 replies

TitaniumTess · 10/04/2022 04:33

Brief summary.....my ex was emotionally abusive for a number of years (basically from me being pregnant until when I found the strength to ask him to leave a year and a half ago). It took him half a year to move out, as he kept stalling. Our child is now 5.

His Dad has our son 2 nights a week, one during the week and Friday to Saturday night. This weekend he asked for the whole weekend, to take our son to see his extended family down South. I was OK with this, but found out via my son that it's a weekend away with his Dad's new girlfriend (who bizarrely asked me to me mates at the school gate a few months back), and her daughter, who is the same age at school as our son. I didn't know they were seeing each other.

He carried on being abusive to me during pick up and drop off and via WhatsApp for most of the last year so he can only text me or speak at drop off and pick up, but shouldn't he let me know that our son is spending time with his new girlfriend? I think out of decency if nothing else. But also as the primary care giver, should I not know who my son is spending time with?

I also worry for her as he is a classic narcissist. I can see that after counselling but he is likely to just start the cycle again, of love bombing and then nitpicking etc etc.

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 10/04/2022 07:08

He doesnt have tell you about his personal life, or who spends time with when your ds is with him, although it would be courteous of him to do so. Conversely, you shouldn't volunteer any information about your personal life or friendships.

Him being a narc is very unfortunate but it's too late to do anything about that now, he's your child's father. But if he is one, you should be pleased that he has a new victim girlfriend to help dilute him a bit, and yo distract him from messing with you.

ApolloandDaphne · 10/04/2022 07:13

You knew he was taking your DD away for the weekend. He really doesn't have to tell you who else is going with him just as you don't need to inform him who else is around your DS.

Holly60 · 10/04/2022 07:18

I can’t see he has done anything particularly wrong here. Also your comment about his girlfriends attempt to befriend you being ‘bizarre’ is odd. I would have thought that was a mature thing to do - both get along for the sake of your children. If you had become friendly with her you probably would have had more information about this weekend, for example. You might also be feeling more comfortable with your son spending time with her.

Original poster
TitaniumTess · 10/04/2022 07:42

Hi, on the being friends, it was before I knew they were together. I think it was before they did get together. I was more than happy to be her friend. Just seems icky now.

OP posts:
2catsandhappy · 10/04/2022 08:11

Just be pleased he is not your problem anymore. Do you get a whiff of him trying to look like a super dad? My narc ex did alot of performance parenting. Being the loudest cheering at matches or standing up after the school play and clapping the loudest.
With a narc it is always about them. It has probably never crossed his mind to inform you.

ConfusedNC · 10/04/2022 08:20

I had to check this wasn't aibu from first responses.

I totally understand where you are coming from. My DS met a string of women and their kids very quickly after ex and I split. The one who caused most issues also put my ds all over Facebook... And more that I won't go into.

The thing is you cannot tell ex who he has around your child (unless you have reason to believe they are a danger) as much as he is in the wrong. And even if you do, he'll be getting the drama he loves. He won't suddenly realise he's out of order and change his behaviour.

All you can do, is be there for your child. Mine is now 11. He thinks Dad is 'ok' but not really close and doesn't respect him. That is not down to me saying anything. That's down to this kind of selfish behaviour over the years.

Original poster
TitaniumTess · 10/04/2022 08:25

Thank you :)

@2catsandhappy, yes!!! Exactly what I say to my Mum. When we were all together, he would not come on days out, did a lot of sulking, barely took any pictures. Now, at school events, or when he's talking to my neighbours, he's 'super Dad!!' even though every item of clothing still comes from here and he drops him back with me if our son is ill on the days he's meant to be with Dad, so he can just go back to work. I am happy working from home and looking after our son, as I would do anything for him, but it feels like Dad showboats. Strange how narc behaviour all seems to be the same. Xxx

OP posts:
ChoiceMummy · 10/04/2022 10:02

@TitaniumTess

Brief summary.....my ex was emotionally abusive for a number of years (basically from me being pregnant until when I found the strength to ask him to leave a year and a half ago). It took him half a year to move out, as he kept stalling. Our child is now 5.

His Dad has our son 2 nights a week, one during the week and Friday to Saturday night. This weekend he asked for the whole weekend, to take our son to see his extended family down South. I was OK with this, but found out via my son that it's a weekend away with his Dad's new girlfriend (who bizarrely asked me to me mates at the school gate a few months back), and her daughter, who is the same age at school as our son. I didn't know they were seeing each other.

He carried on being abusive to me during pick up and drop off and via WhatsApp for most of the last year so he can only text me or speak at drop off and pick up, but shouldn't he let me know that our son is spending time with his new girlfriend? I think out of decency if nothing else. But also as the primary care giver, should I not know who my son is spending time with?

I also worry for her as he is a classic narcissist. I can see that after counselling but he is likely to just start the cycle again, of love bombing and then nitpicking etc etc.

Ultimately, no, you have no rights to know what he does with his time unless there are genuine safeguarding risks for your child. It's not ideal but true.

Only if he intends to take out of the country does he need your consent and then it's only to know which country.

PollyDarton1 · 10/04/2022 11:23

No, you can't control what ex does with your child nor who he introduces him to. It's shit, especially when they introduce them too early, but unfortunately it's just life.

Ex DP made me agree to wait 4-6 months before introducing anyone into our son's life, and then introduced his girlfriend after 7 weeks. This was all an informal agreement where we were supposed to discuss whether our son was ready (and ex DP and girlfriend had nearly split the month before) but he decided to go ahead and do it anyway, before sending a stream of abuse that it was my fault essentially he didn't tell me.

It was shit, it hurt, it was unfair but it's done now.

AHungryCaterpillar · 10/04/2022 12:02

No you don’t have a right, I do find it interesting that I always see women saying they should have a right to know who their child is with when they are with the ex but do you tell him who you bring around your child every time? No of course not

PollyDarton1 · 10/04/2022 13:20

@AHungryCaterpillar

No you don’t have a right, I do find it interesting that I always see women saying they should have a right to know who their child is with when they are with the ex but do you tell him who you bring around your child every time? No of course not
Personally, yes - I would. If I was seeing someone, I would discuss with my ex and inform him that I would be introducing our son to someone new, and wouldn't be doing it for a fair while. My son is 5, very impressionable and it's not great form to introduce someone you've been seeing briefly into a child's life, in my opinion.
Easterisoffeggstooexpensive · 10/04/2022 13:22

Ime befriend her. On a basic scale. At least you will be in the know about your ds...
I did this when me exh had our dc 4 +5...she did see the light and married his best mate!
After a series of dw swapping parties!
Shock

GiantHaystacks2021 · 10/04/2022 13:28

Just be glad you got him out the house.

He's someone else's tumour now.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread