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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dp can be so mean!

18 replies

danco · 09/04/2022 22:07

I've been with my dp nearly 3 years, we love eachother (or thought we did) a lot, we also live together.
My problem is, after he's had a drink (which is rare) he often says things which makes me uneasy.
For example..
"I'm bored of this house and everyone in it"
"If I was to speak the truth you wouldn't like it"
"You're taking me for a d*ckhead"

He tries to play it off like he's joking, but surely those words must be coming from somewhere?
He's quite a closed off person and is rubbish at showing his emotions which makes me think he keeps all this bottled up inside until he's a drink and then the truth spills?

Tomorrow I'll bring it up and he'll probably start with the "I didn't mean it" " I was just drunk" he claims I'm his world and wouldn't know where he'd be without me, he says this is the life hes always wanted but it's like I can't make him happy.

To add a bit of context weve both been stressed as my car broke down a few days ago which is going to cost ALOT to repair. I am a SAHM atm and he works all the hours god sends and he's been saving up so hard which may now have to all go on my car, here in the UK it is Easter holidays so my time has been spent occupying my DDs (6&1) he has spent his Saturday morning off work cleaning (angrily) saying "it's a joke" implying that I don't clean when that's all i seem to do and it's unfair he has to clean on his only day off work, he said "I'm going to get drunk tonight and forget about life" and then all these nasty comments come out

What do you guys think? Sorry for the rant xx

OP posts:

Rainbowqueeen · 09/04/2022 22:10

I think you need to get back to work ASAP and protect yourself financially.

And he’s a dickhead. He knows that saying these things makes you unhappy but he keeps doing it.

Sundancerintherain · 09/04/2022 22:15

He is a tit, and a nasty drunk.

Lookabitlikemymum · 09/04/2022 22:18

Before there's a big pile on, you do say he doesn't drink much, and what is he responding to when he says these things?
Sounds like you are both under quite a bit of stress and both working very hard.

Original poster

danco · 09/04/2022 22:25

@Lookabitlikemymum

Before there's a big pile on, you do say he doesn't drink much, and what is he responding to when he says these things? Sounds like you are both under quite a bit of stress and both working very hard.

He isn't responding to anything really it's like these things just pop into his head and he just says them without thinking

We are both under a lot of stress but surely this isn't an excuse to turn on each other which makes me believe he isn't happy.

OP posts:

Underfrighter · 09/04/2022 22:32

I was drunk, isnt an excuse for abuse. Whether someone 'means it's or not, it isn't ok. He needs to stay somewhere else when he is drinking or not drink.

This sounds a bit deeper than a thing when he is drunk though, saying your contributions are a joke when you are looking after 2 kids and saying he wants to 'forget about life's when he is sober does sound like he is angry and/or unhappy. He really needs to be able to talk to you about it

Lookabitlikemymum · 09/04/2022 22:39

Yes, I'm not excusing bad behaviour when drunk, that is not okay, I just wondered why he was saying 'You're taking me for a d*head'?
I was pleased to hear the drinking is rare.
He needs to be able to communicate properly, in a rational, sober way. You both need to talk properly, and be heard.
At the moment it sounds like two frazzled people with everything bubbling below the surface.

Original poster

danco · 09/04/2022 22:42

@Lookabitlikemymum

Yes, I'm not excusing bad behaviour when drunk, that is not okay, I just wondered why he was saying 'You're taking me for a d*head'? I was pleased to hear the drinking is rare. He needs to be able to communicate properly, in a rational, sober way. You both need to talk properly, and be heard. At the moment it sounds like two frazzled people with everything bubbling below the surface.

Because he's been in work all week and then has spent this morning cleaning x

OP posts:

vipersnest1 · 09/04/2022 22:54

Whether or not he means what he says when drunk is irrelevant - the fact is that he says horrible things to you.
The worst part is that he's choosing to drink knowing what he may well be like.
That's not a great message to send to you, is it? He's basically saying that he values having a drink more than being pleasant to you.

Fireflygal · 09/04/2022 22:56

Only the youngest is his? I guess you have moved quickly if only together 3 years so perhaps this is the real him.

What is the housing situation, where did you live before you met him?

layladomino · 10/04/2022 08:32

So the 'dickhead' comment he made when sober, while cleaning in the morning?

Does that mean he sometimes says unpleasant things while sober?

If he says nasty stuff while drunk, and he knows he upsets you, why doesn't he stop drinking (or at least drinking to excess)?

Why does he think he shouldn't have to do any of the cleaning?

GeneLovesJezebel · 10/04/2022 08:34

Yep, I’d be getting back to work and getting my ducks in a row.

MiddleParking · 10/04/2022 09:46

Even if he was the nicest man in the world, getting pregnant to him after, what, just over a year? when you already had a very young child, and then giving up your financial independence to be supported by him, without marriage, would have created a pretty bad power dynamic. And clearly he is not the nicest man in the world.

Rainbowpurple · 10/04/2022 09:48

Yes go back to work ASAP. I think his resentment is building up for some reason and if he decides to walk away whilst you are Sahm, this will impacou financially.

CandyLeBonBon · 10/04/2022 10:37

Oh boo fucking hoo - he works all week and has to clean on his day off? What does he think the rest of us have to do? Presumably you do your share as a SAHP op, so either he's a neat freak and nothing is ever good/clean enough even though you give everything your best effort (I divorced one like that) or he's a plain old dickhead who just likes you to know how very busy and important and better than you he is.

gamerchick · 10/04/2022 10:50

Sounds like he's resentful. You need to have a chat about your roles. Being the main breadwinner is stressful. It's ideal to have a parent at home all the time, the optimum preference but sadly it's simply not possible today for a lot of families. Maybe a timeline for you to go back to work

He doesn get to speak to you like that, be needs to find a different way to communicate.

Gelasia · 10/04/2022 14:56

That's fucking victim blaming. Maybe they do, but that is absolutely zero excuse for the shit he's coming out with. Is that how adults communicate in your world? He's worked a week and done a bit of cleaning...as he would have to if he lived alone. Hardly enough to have him buckling under the strain.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 10/04/2022 15:19

Mean drunks are horrible creatures.

gamerchick · 10/04/2022 17:48

@Gelasia

Missed off the last part of my post then. That's ok, whatever makes you feel good.

It does sound as if he's resentful. No he doesnt get to speak to the OP like that. If it isn't sorted then inevitably the relationship will fail. That's on him.

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