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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dealing with an insecure man

24 replies

Milou89 · 09/04/2022 20:58

First of all, english is not my first language. I Will try my best. I have a new coworker since september. A few months ago, I realised my interest for this guy. I'm not really good at flirting so I tried to talk with him often, learning to know him....His contract end in june so I was planning to make a move like in may or june. But 2 weeks ago, surprise! I saw him on the street doing his shopping and everything went very fast. We drank a cofee, he invited me at his flat, we had diner and I slept there. It went a bit fast, maybe too fast but I dont regret anything. We are both 33 years old.
Two days later, we agreed to see each other outside our job without any promess, just to have fun and see were it goes. Perfect for me! At the very moment, I am realy enjoying myself, I found him really interesting, we have fun, lot in common, great and deep conversation. But HIM ! He is very complex and insecure and I'm wondering if he has an attachment disorder. He is single for the last 15 years (he's 33), he have 2 degrees and he is getting a third one but still dont know what he wants to do with his life, still dreaming about creating successful video games but working in a school....He had an abusive father and he is afraid of becoming like him (he is gentle and sweat !). Yesterday, we went for a cofee and he wanted to tell me how a bad guy he is. He said "I'm gona tell you who I am". He admit that since he works at the same place as me, he was attracted to 3 girls almost at the same time (Me, Jane and Mary). He asked Mary to go out for a drink and she said no. He is disgusted with himself because Mary is 10 years younger. It is like he wanted me to be scared and stop talking to him. I invited him at my flat instead and we had a great day. He said to me that he was sure I was going to throw him like an old sock. He often says that he is scared to hurt me. He tend to focus on the negative things. Example, last saturday, we played 2 different board games at his place. I really liked the first one but not the second. He stayed focused on the fact that I didnt like the second game instead on focusing on the good time we had playing the first one. Maybe I am crazy to continue the relationship with him after what he told me about the other girls. I am not engaged with him so that dont bother me. He is very honest and transparent thats the key for me. After all, my ex-boyfriend was a total prince charming at the begining and took a long time before showing his true face.
But...I came here because I want advice. How can you deal with someone like that? He has so many insecurties...Any of you have experience with attachment trouble ? I still want to try with him because he is so interesting and I feel something spécial. I know me and I feel strong enough. Thank you for reading me

OP posts:

NotaCoolMum · 09/04/2022 21:47

He sounds creepy. Why would you want to try to make anything work with him when he’s already showing you red flags?

Original poster

Milou89 · 09/04/2022 22:20

I know there are red flags. You put words in my mouth. At the same time, he is so focused on becoming a better man. He was fat, now he is thin and continue to go weekly to the gym, quit smoking, stop alcool...the time we spend together is so great....I dont want children, mariage....maybe thats why I'm not scared to loose my time with him

OP posts:

Luciea19 · 09/04/2022 22:49

One of children has asd and I’m wondering if he does also? I think it sounds like he lacks confidence and maybe he needs to believe in himself. Just remember he may grow with you. But remember to put yourself first. He is honest which is a good sign but maybe to honest! Maybe if your still keen take it slow see how it goes?

JamieNorthlife · 10/04/2022 00:18

I know there are red flags. You put words in my mouth. At the same time, he is so focused on becoming a better man.
Yes a lot of red flags and you are not paying attention.

He is very complex and insecure and I'm wondering if he has an attachment disorder.
Run as fast as you can, you are not his therapist and please don't think you can "save him" or "heal him" from his problems.

He said to me that he was sure I was going to throw him like an old sock.
Run as fast as you can. He seems exhausting and will drag you until you crash. Then HE will dump you like an "old sock".

Yesterday, we went for a cofee and he wanted to tell me how a bad guy he is. He said "I'm gona tell you who I am".
When someone tells you how bad they are .... believe them.

Maybe I am crazy to continue the relationship with him after what he told me about the other girls.
It's not a relationship. You just had coffee and a few games. You are already worried and there are a lot of red flags. Run as fast as you can before you get involved. he comes across as the type of man that would try to flirt with anyone that takes them. Make sure he is not one of those Pick-Up artists (PUA) that try and control women.

MardyOldGoth · 10/04/2022 00:32

@JamieNorthlife

I know there are red flags. You put words in my mouth. At the same time, he is so focused on becoming a better man. Yes a lot of red flags and you are not paying attention.

He said to me that he was sure I was going to throw him like an old sock.
Run as fast as you can. He seems exhausting and will drag you until you crash. Then HE will dump you like an "old sock".

Yesterday, we went for a cofee and he wanted to tell me how a bad guy he is. He said "I'm gona tell you who I am".
When someone tells you how bad they are .... believe them.

^This. All of this!

Original poster

Milou89 · 10/04/2022 15:06

Normaly I would have run from this guy. I know this sound crazy. But he's really honest about himself and the time we spend together is so great. It is like 50/50. He's a very disciplined man (good nutrition, no alcool, work out, studying and working at the same time, great in his job...) But the sentimental part of his life is a mess.

OP posts:

HundredMilesAnHour · 10/04/2022 15:14

The time you spend together is great? Seriously? You have coffee, you sit in his flat or you sit in your flat (playing games which you don't even like half of).

It doesn't sound like much fun at all and there are red flags all over the place when you've barely started seeing him. This has car crash written all over it. Which is why he's been single for all of his adult life. You need to raise your standards.

Watchkeys · 10/04/2022 15:22

He is very honest and transparent thats the key for me

The key to what?

Original poster

Milou89 · 10/04/2022 15:39

The key for not running away.

OP posts:

SucculentChalice · 10/04/2022 17:00

He sounds very manipulative and as if he is creating a fake image to control you. Attracted to 3 women at his work - are you sure he's not having to leave because he's being sued for sexual harassment?

Wiredforsound · 10/04/2022 17:01

He’s telling you that he is going to treat you carelessly and will always consider what he feels than what you feel. He’s telling you that to your face. Believe him.

spotcheck · 10/04/2022 17:16

He said to me that he was sure I was going to throw him like an old sock

He is not telling you those things to be honest, he's telling you so that you'll double down and be extra committed. It also means that when he is a shit to you in the future ( IE going on dates with one of those other women), you'll stay because 'he was honest and told you'.

He's manipulating you.

Pinkbonbon · 10/04/2022 17:51

He is not insecure op. These are abuser manulipulation tactics.

He told you about the other girls to see if you would still stay. He tells you he is a bad person to get you to say 'no you aren't'. If you do these things, he knows that you are a suitable victim moving forwards.

He also knows that when he does bad things, you will try to forgive him because you don't want him to feel judged. Because he has already made you belive he is insecure and so you have it in your head that you need to make him feel safe and loved...even when he 'makes mistakes'. And when these 'mistakes' are actually abuse.

If someone tells you they are not a nice person, tells you they treat women badly, tells you they are bad - for the love of God, believe them- and run.

Pinkbonbon · 10/04/2022 17:56

Oh and FYI, the telling you about the other women...don't be surprised if he starts flirting with other ppl infront of you or refuses to put a label on the relationship and starts to play you if against another woman and then turns round and says 'oh but I told you I liked other women'. After acting like you are together for ages. Because that's also possibly why he mentioned them. So he can make you out to be clingy further down the line.

Pinkbonbon · 10/04/2022 17:56

play you off against

AgentJohnson · 10/04/2022 20:14

You’ve spent so much time fantasising about this man that you’re not prepared to let go of the obvious red flags that that exist in the real world.

Your ‘cool girlfriend’ persona will not protect you from the constant head fuckery that is being with an entitled man playing the ‘insecure little boy lost’ card.

If you really want to play with fire, knock yourself out but I suggest you start therapy now.

Watchkeys · 10/04/2022 20:19

@Milou89

The key for not running away.

But he's being honest and telling you that he has all the traits of a person you'd be best to run away from! How bad does a person get to be, before them being honest about it would make you run away?

Him: I'm an axe murderer
You: Oh, he's wonderful because he's so honest about himself!

Yousexybugger · 10/04/2022 22:44

Yeah, this all feels quite manipulative.

The long saga about fancying 2 others as well as you feels a bit like knocking you down a peg. Of course, he could have let you know about asking Mary out previously to avoid any embarrassment at work, but not in such a theatrical way.

This is all unusually intense and detailed for 2 casual meetings in, sounds as though he spends an awful lot of time considering his self image which to me suggests there may be a certain rigidity in doing things his way, plus probably a certain brittleness. A healthier way of approaching a relationship with a colleague, even if leaving soon, would have been to keep it quite light to start with, not a big declaration of his innermost self, designed to make you feel as though you've really been let in.

PriestessofPing · 10/04/2022 22:51

Well he’s really making you work for it isn’t he. Already it’s all about him and his issues and you’re supporting him in his insecurities. You can’t possibly know if he is honest or not at this stage - yes you know him in a work context but barely know him at all in a romantic sense.

scoobydoo1971 · 10/04/2022 23:14

He is a tactless fool to tell you that he likes other women at work, when he is in some kind of relationship with you. Be clear, the honeymoon phase of the dating should be fun, exciting and where you feel like the centre of his universe. If he is spilling these fun facts about himself so early on, it is because he is setting your expectations to be low. He is telling you that you are not his girlfriend but a friend with sex benefits. Like others have told you here, run away.

JamieNorthlife · 10/04/2022 23:48

Let me guess.... the sex is crappy but you feel sorry for him because he is "honest and tranparent*

OP, are you sure you are not in denial about this man?

Redshoeblueshoe · 10/04/2022 23:57

Every reply is telling you the same thing

when someone tells you who they are - listen

gingerhills · 11/04/2022 00:06

You've spent a couple of days with this man and already you are worried about what kind of person he is. Really, it should all be carefree and wonderful at the start.

Geppili · 11/04/2022 02:24

Run

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