Sorry in advance for the long post. I dont know what I'm looking for with this, but I need to vent.
Myself and children's (9b &3b) dad have been together 13 years. We've never had what i would call a stable/healthy relationship. Last year I asked him to leave as we don't get on, we have nothing in common and have had problems over the years. I am in the process of buying him out of the mortgage and have agreed the figure but he is refusing to leave until he gets his money. We were all staying in the same house with him sleeping on the sofa (has been for several years) but I've now packed my bags and left to go back to my parents with the kids.
Bit of background -
Dad is 36 I'm 33, through out our relationship myself and kids have always been at the bottom of his priority list. He puts everything above us especially his friends. I do all the school runs, sort out all meals, breakfast/dinners/teas/suppers, do all the caring during illnesses and take time off to be with the kids whilst ill, if it's not me it's my mum. As an example it can be raining which means he won't be at work yet he still expects me to get up, sort out breakfasts then take the kids to my mums for her to look after until I get home from work, all the whilst he's at home in bed, not doing any house work, not doing shops, basically just sat gambling on his phone.
Me and the kids will stay with my mum untill 6/7pm and as soon as we go home he will go upstairs for his bath (which lasts an hour) even though he has been home since 4 or not even gone to work that day, which then means I can't do anything until he comes down. If I leave the house before he has his bath he will make the 9yo look after the 3yo until he is done (usually until he hears me come back an hour later). Then once down stairs he liturally sits playing on his phone ignoring the kids or will even turn his back on his kids and go to sleep on the sofa meaning he isn't spending any quality time with them. This has now left the 9yo not wanting to come home. He'd rather stay at my mums where he gets lots of attention and isn't pestered by his brother. For the last few weeks he's probably spent 4 nights at home and for 3 of them his dad didn't even come home or was with his friends meaning they didn't do anything or interact with each other.
He doesn't help with the household chores and just expects me to pick up after him, he doesn't put his rubbish In the bin he will leave it where ever it falls be it on the cooker, on the living room floor, behind the sofa, in the coal bucket. He doesn't do his own washing and just leaves stuff to pile up. He has never and I mean never washed up, even if me and the kids go away to the caravan we come home to an absolute stye as he won't have done anything. Now I've stopped tidying up after him, I do mine and the kids stuff and that's it. If you walked into the property you'd think we'd been over run by rabid annimals with the mess.
I stopped trusting him years ago when I discovered he'd been going on hook up sites and I found 2 mobiles I didn't know he had. When I confronted him about this he denied it claiming it was just ads that had popped up (details had been filtered to his specific area and age range) and claiming I was paranoid. There's been instances when myself or oldest child has picked up his LOCKED phone and he has physically raced across the room to snatch it out of our hands. When ive questioned this again I'm told I'm paranoid etc but if he has nothing to hide why is he snatching his phone? I've offered to swap phones at random where he can go through mine and I'll go through his and he has always said no or he will do that but tomorrow, my argument there is he can delete anything that's incriminating. But then he accuses me of messaging other people (if only I had the time haha)
My family don't like him due to all the times I've left him and gone home upset and the way he treats the kids. His dads side of the family don't like me as I refuse to make an effort with people who won't make an effort with me (this isn't unique I haven't spoke to some of my aunties/grandparents in years so I'm not just treating his family this way). His mum is lovley and her partner have been really helpful through out this whole charade but they know what he is like and have refused to let him go back and stop with them whilst he sorts him self out (because they know how awful he is to live with) even though they have four bedrooms and it's just the two of them.
His friends don't like me as they are all users who over the years have only wanted him when he can offer them something and as I've told them and pointed this out this makes me antisocial, I also put in alot of effort with his friends girlsfriends for them to exclude me when in group situations, so yea I stopped caring and making an effort with them. Hes very much like his father.
I've told him several times how I feel be it my email, letter, or going through his mum and he always says he's taken what I've said on board and will change but never has. It's OK for a month or so then he slips back into old habits.
I can never make plans with my friends or plan times to just be by myself as I never know when he will be available to watch the kids, if I want to do anything I have to tell him at least a month in advance and remind him weekly, if he wants to do something he just does it and doesn't even consult with me, just expects me to be into look after the boys and were usually left wondering where he is. When I had my youngest I had to have an emergency c-section and lost over half my blood supply which meant I had to stay in hospital for close to a week. I think he visited twice and stayed for ten mins each time because he was just too hot. It was the school holidays and he agreed to do a job without sorting child care for my oldest, my mum was helping me with the new born in the hospital and he had to take the oldest to one of my friends house instead of taking off the 2weeks he promised to help out, just to add he's self employed and makes his own hours up. I then had to stay with my mum for 3 weeks to get help with the kids as he refused to take on any extra responsibility in that period and was adamant he needed to be at work.
When it comes to financial we split all the bills 50/50 even though he has a much better paying job than me. But aswell as my half of the bills I buy all the boys essentials be it clothes, school dinner fees, nursery fees, bday&xmas presents as well as doing and paying for all the food shops. The day before my sons birthday he messaged to ask what WE had got him, which shows how little interest he has, he promised to get him a certain present for £30 it was the only thing my oldest wanted off him and he failed to get him it. He will make big 5k purchases on things I don't think are needed such as a shed and pool table to make a man cave where he can go play with his friends, when there's stuff in the house that needed completing, but if I buy my self a new pair of trainers I get the 3rd degree about how im wasting my own money. Hes in a lot of debt to HMRC that he just keeps ignoring, his phone bill bounced every month, he has a loan with the bank, yet he constantly says he has no money, he has been working for 6 days a week since after Xmas and refuses to work for less than 100 a day.
This morning was the breaking point. We got into an argument and i offered him 2k now to sort out a new place to live with the rest of the money coming on completion of the new mortgage. He point blank refused to leave. Claimed that his mum hated me and told him I was turning the kids against him (I'm not i Try and keep the kids out of it but my 9yo has started to notice that he's breaking his promises to him and using him as baby sitter so he doesn't have to interact with the youngest). We both said we hated each other etc etc until he stormed out. I liturally broke. I can't keep doing this on a monthly basis and packed mine and the kids stuff up and left. He knows we've gone and hasn't even reached out to the oldest to make sure he's OK (he has his own phone so no need to go through me). I just can't do it any more. I reached out to the mortgage broker to see if we could cancel the transfer of equity as Mt fad has offered to lend me the figure he wants just to be rid of him.but she hasn't got back to me and I dont know how mortgage buy outs work, ue hasn't signed anything yet to say he's happy to transfer the mortgage to me so I'm quite scared of borrowing from my dad then the sols transferring him the equity anyway for me then to be financially down as he would have recieved a double payment. Now sat sharing a bedroom with two kids whilst he has the while house to himself. I've had to leave all the kids toys as there's no space here for them.
I just feel Lost. Like I'd be better off just getting in the car and disappearing but then I think of how upset my boys would be and I cant bare the thought of losing them. I feel like I'm just stuck in quick sand slowly sinking whilst the life is sucked out of me.