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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU with Dh?

19 replies

Mumofoneandanotherontheway · 09/04/2022 15:56

We’re a married couple (of 8yrs) with 3 kids. When birthdays or anniversaries used to come by DH would get me a gift/flowers & we’d go out for a meal. Now with kids meals out are abit difficult so we just generally bring a meal home.

It’s been bothering me that my birthday was 3weeks ago and all he did was a card from himself & individual cards from the kids - not forgetting a cake which he asked a day before ‘if he needs to get one’

I’ve been upset since & we’ve just ended up having a argument over it & he said I need to get over it and stop acting like a child because birthdays are for kids!

He’s changed a lot of the years, he suffers from some sort of depression & has become extremely lazy - he says this is the reason he cba! It’s like having an extra child most the time! Although I have noticed it’s expected by him to make sure he gets his parents a card/cash for their birthday - although he says that’s not making an effort!
He said you can take my card and buy what you want if it bothers you that much!

I don’t know what to make from all this, our relationship isn’t the same anymore and I feel I am needy but he doesn’t care at all! His life has become work, home, pop over to parents once/twice a week - done. Even in the evenings when we sit, we hardly talk even then he has to make it a point to call his parent. My life his kids/home/cooking/kids activities/play dates. He cba to celebrate kids birthdays - says it should just be small and no parties.

AIBU? I feel like going out separate ways, only so much I can take of him!

Sorry for the long post

OP posts:
Billybagpuss · 09/04/2022 16:09

It’s easy on mn to say ltb, especially as people often put up with a lot before they post and often have already reached that conclusion before they post, which I feel is the case in your situation.

Has he considered going to the gp about his depression? He can’t expect you to put up with being treated like crap and not even try to do something about it.

I do think you need to sit down with him and lay it out for him, he either engages and tries to improve or your gone. Or if it’s already beyond that you deserve to be happy and ltb.

Original poster
Mumofoneandanotherontheway · 09/04/2022 16:16

billybagpuss He’s currently on medication for the depression but I feel he uses ‘depression’ to his advantage.

He couldn’t care less about birthdays etc but I do, like seriously zero effort - that’s what I’m so shocked & upset about!

I’ve told him how I feel and his reply was ‘I’m not going to change so if you want you can go find someone else’ basically it’s clear he isn’t bothered about me and cba. Also turns it on me says I’m making it all about me and don’t understand he can’t cope with all these celebrations etc.

Sorry what’s LTB?

OP posts:
Billybagpuss · 09/04/2022 16:23

It’s not about the celebration, it’s about showing the person you’ve chosen to spend your life with that you care. Which he’s not, giving someone even a generic box of crocs and some flowers isn’t causing a massive fuss but does say I know it’s your birthday and I was thinking about you.

Birthday aside, do you still spend any time together, nice meals that sort of thing?

LTB is mn speak for lose the bastard.

In your heart what do you want to do, it does sound like he’s just going through the motions. If you’re not ready to actually make the decision yet, you could start planning the admin, get copies of bank statements, mortgage statements, pension details (his not yours) and see how you feel.

girlmom21 · 09/04/2022 16:26

When was the last time you spent time just the two of you?

Original poster
Mumofoneandanotherontheway · 09/04/2022 16:42

billybagpuss we haven’t spent anytime alone. If we do have time together (in the evening when the kids go to sleep) he rather sit there watching documentaries or calls his parents. I’m sat here on my phone, or watching something of the tele, cleaning up after dinner etc then comes bedtime and I take little one up & go to bed.

Ltb Grin

Just before I read this he’s just told me he’s not going to change & we should either just go our separate ways or I should just learn to except how he is and carry on. Like wtf! Why is anyone in their right mind going to want to live in with someone if it’s only a 1 way relationship. When I said this to him he said ‘it’s because your selfish’

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumofoneandanotherontheway · 09/04/2022 16:43

*girlmom21’ we haven’t since 2020…

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 09/04/2022 16:53

He's checked out and he is looking to you to end it so he doesn't take the flack.

How can he be so mean with regards the kids? You've been together 8 years so I'm assuming preschool/infant-primary kids and they are not allowed to celebrate birthdays? What a fun sucker!

It's sounds like youbare on the path to separate and I think that's theybway I'd go too and fast before the kids get too impacted!

evrey · 09/04/2022 17:00

As I have learnt the hard way, life is too short to waste it with someone who openly shows you that you arnt a priority to them. It isn't about the present just the thought.
Don't feel bad to want more than the bare minimum from him, because you could get that and so much more from someone else.

Original poster
Mumofoneandanotherontheway · 09/04/2022 17:02

littleowl153 been together overall 15yrs! What a waste!

He expects kids birthdays to just be us - for the kids it’s so boring!

I do agree, don’t think he cba with the relationship hence the zero effort he makes! He goes people do just live together for the kids! Errr I’m not that person, but he would happily have me cook a meal for him if we went down that route! I haven’t got the energy to deal with this man’s crap anymore tbh, he’s mentally draining & now is trying to turn it on me as if it’s all my fault and I don’t understand his depression!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumofoneandanotherontheway · 09/04/2022 17:05

evrey I agree. It’s not about the present more so he didn’t care to even get me something little. Then to say you can take my card and get something you want, i don’t need anything but the fact he didn’t CARE to get me something is what is so annoying & turned about and said he cba with all these celebrations etc!

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 09/04/2022 17:05

@Mumofoneandanotherontheway

*girlmom21’ we haven’t since 2020…
Is it possible to get a babysitter? Has the relationship just got about being a family rather than being a couple?
Original poster
Mumofoneandanotherontheway · 09/04/2022 17:08

girlmum21
I would happily arrange a babysitter & go for a meal etc but I don’t think he cba go even go. If he does go, his minds just not there - it’s like a chore for him.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 09/04/2022 17:15

Me and dh always discuss beforehand what the other wants/expects.

Our expectations are mostly the same - a card at the minimum. If I thought he would be upset over the lack of anything I would go out of my way to make his day.

Your kids are probably young, you are probably both exhausted amd he probably doesn’t realise how hurtful his careless remarks are.

I doubt he will forget to make the effort going forward but I also think being upset for 3 weeks is also not productive or useful. Seems like there’s some basic communication issues.

I think if you did initiate a split he’d probably sit up and think more

gonnascreamsoon · 09/04/2022 17:27

@Mumofoneandanotherontheway

Ok, so if he cba to go out, why don't you go out with a friend/relative ?

Leave him home with the kids and go and have some fun !

I'm quite sure he'll have something to say about it if you make it a regular thing too, just say ''Well I knew you cba to take me out, so I'll go out myself and have fun. You can stay at home, like you always want to do ! '

Original poster
Mumofoneandanotherontheway · 09/04/2022 17:36

gonnascreamsoon

You can stay at home, like you always want to do !
GrinGrin
Most definitely have to think to do this! Sounds like a brilliant idea!

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 09/04/2022 17:38

If he cba to deal with his depression properly via the gp then its not your responsibility or wifely duty to suck it up. It sounds like he is very comfortable not doing anything including not looking for a new place to live or to file for divorce. In fact if you swapped places with him would you want to change?

It looks like you might have to force the issue, or do you think you can carry on living this way for the next forty years?

movingon2022 · 09/04/2022 19:27

Dear OP I totally understand what you are talking about. My ex was similar to your husband except he would say that he should not have to change for me, that I should love him just the way he was. He never added that I should leave if I did not like that, so basically according to him I did not really have a choice. When I came to him and told him I wanted to separate he was shocked. Some people men think that they can do whatever they want and that their partner women will take it just to protect the marriage, which we mostly do, some till the end and some until they cannot take it anymore (it took me 26 years). I know that what you are saying does not look like a big enough reason to leave but I am sure this is not the only thing that bothers you. It is a death by a thousand cuts, as they say. One after another little things are piling up until you cannot take it anymore.

I say, have a serious talk with your husband and tell him that he HAS to change his ways, or you will leave. I personally do not think that he will change, but at least you will feel better that you had the conversation with him and then you LTB.

Sunnytwobridges · 09/04/2022 21:44

Wow he’s showing you who he is. He’s checked out and really only sticking around for the kids. So your options are to deal with it or leave.

Dairymilk50 · 09/04/2022 21:48

Next time it's your birthday or even one evening... get yourself out once the kids have gone to bed. Meet up with a friend OP.

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