How did you decide if you wanted a baby?

[charlotterousse]

I met my fiance three years ago and we're getting married this year. We've been talking a lot about whether we want a baby, and if so, when's the best time (bearing in mind that at 34 my window of opportunity could be closing, and my sister had a lot of trouble conceiving even in her 20s).

We've both always been ambivalent about having children. In his case it was because his own mum died in a very unexpected traumatic way when he was still a child, and it left him with severe anxiety around parenthood. He's been in therapy for a while now and those fears have reduced a lot. He's the one who brought up the subject of us maybe having children after all.

I like children and generally get on well with them. I enjoy being an aunt and a godmother. I've never NOT wanted a baby of my own, but I've also never felt the deep yearning to have one that some women describe. All my friends seem to be in two camps - either they've known they wanted kids since they were kids themselves, or they've never been interested. Surely I can't be the only fence-sitter? Anyone else who's been in this position, what was your thought process like and what did you decide in the end?

I never had a burning desire and we'd already been married for 10 years. Time was running out and I basically had fear of regret, so we agreed on just the one.

It was very hard for a few reasons but it was the right decision and I don't regret it.

In my experience, you can be ambivalent and still ultimately be a good parent. I'm still not hugely maternal but I love my child and as parents we have good balance of career, family time and hobbies between us. No doubt I would also have been happy not having a child. My life would have been just as fulfilling and valid.

I was never that interested but my husband wanted kids and I thought I might change my mind. When I divorced mid 30s I really thought about what I wanted as I would have gone down the sperm donor route at that point. I spent a lot of time thinking about finances, the practicalities of working and raising a child and my conclusion was I would have to change my lifestyle and buy a smaller house to afford childcare on my own, I would struggle to maintain my (quite high stress) job and raise a child, and I didn't really like the idea of my lifestyle changing so I would spend a lot of my time running my child to activities, friends houses etc. Basically I looked at all the hard work and I couldn't really see anything I would enjoy about it. I spent about 3 months really turning this over in my mind. It obviously will be different if you have a hands on partner but I guess for me it was visualising the reality of having a Child and how my life would change. Thinking about it that way just crystallised that I liked my life as it was and I didn't want a child disrupting that. I'm sure a lot of people would see all the joy a child would bring and how that would outweigh the challenges or probably even see the change in lifestyle as a good thing and something they would enjoy, but not for me.

For me and exH it was when one of our closest friends had a miscarriage. I was pretty naive until then - it hadn't really occurred to me that we wouldn't just have a baby when we wanted one and it galvanised me into wanting to get on with it. ExH said I started talking about it every day after that. My mindset definitely went from yes, let's have children one day to, I really want to start actively trying.

Divorced aged 36 and spent wasted a few years on OLD. Met a couple of nice men but for various reasons the relationships didn't work out. I desperately wanted a family and realised that I wasn't willing to gamble with my time or fertility or 'settle'. I have no family help nearby so will. Also, I wanted to experience pregnancy, birth and to be a parent. I felt very done with going out/holidays etc in that single -style way. I worked out that I can make it work with my finances.

I did IVF with a sperm donor and was extremely fortunate to conceive on the first try. I also have a number of frozen embryos for a potential sibling in the future.

My son is here and I am so grateful that I get to experience this. It's a different life but one that I was ready for.

If I’d thought about it at all I would have decided against as I didn’t like children and I loved my career. But I didn’t think about it much as I was so busy, then…I always say my DC had me, not the other way round! Three in three years, it was manic, no one in their right mind would have planned that! But it was brilliant, they’re brilliant (eldest is now 30), they are by far and away the best thing I ever did.

I suppose what I’m saying is ‘what will be, will be’?

I was adamant I never wanted kids. I had abusive parents and my experience of family life was uniformly negative.
However, when I reached my thirties and my 3 SILs all had their first DCs, I began to wonder if I would regret not having any.
I then had a miscarriage and subsequently felt that only another pregnancy would heal the grieving.
I went on to have two DC in quick succession, just before DH died.
It was beyond hard, raising them alone from babyhood while working a stressful job as a hospital doctor, but they are now in their 30s and I love them dearly. They saved my life, as without them I would have undoubtedly killed myself to join DH. I still miss him terribly, but at least I have two lovely DDs.

I'm a few years ahead of you OP and I felt exactly like this from my mid 20s onwards. Eventually by mid 30s I decided to stop worrying about it, as having children just wasn't something I had every actively wanted and I decided that was ok. I also had some childhood issues which probably influenced my feelings. I'm not good with stress, pressure or lack of sleep, and I knew I would struggle with parenting.

It's good that you're thinking about this, so many people seem to just drift into parenthood without really considering the impact on their lives.

Like the last person said it's good you are weighing it all up and coming to a decision that is right for you. I think society still places a lot of pressure/expectations on women to want children and it's hard to decide what is really right for you. Good luck whatever you decide. Life is what you make it with or without children. Nothing is perfect, both have their pros and cons

I always thought I’d be childfree as have never felt at all maternal and don’t particularly like children. But I had a couple of sessions with a counsellor / coach to work through some “life stuff” I’d been mulling over more broadly and the issue of having always assumed I didn’t want to be a parent but wondering if I’d suddenly wake up at 45 when it was too late and regretting it arose.

We talked about what I value and enjoy about my life, what my priorities are, and how I see things ideally being in 5, 10, 20 years time. It properly cemented that I really, really don’t want children, it’s a lifestyle and a commitment which completely isn’t for me.

I'd always been ambivalent about having children. I've never been broody, never thought about having one, never really had strong feelings either way.

My first was a surprise and we had a great time together - he was an easy baby and a lovely child and us now an adult I enjoy spending time with.

My second was a conscious decision because both my parents were only children and I didn't want him to find himself completely alone one day.

My them J amd I had been talking about it on those terms for a while.amd.evemtually.we just decided we'd try and see what happened. We'd have been happy with the outcome either way - at least we'd have tried.

My life.qould.have been very different if I'd not had children. Not better or worse, just different.

I'm happy I has them but I'd have been equally happy without.

I don't really understand the all consuming need some women (and men I know tbf) have to have children. I tend to look at them and wonder why they don't have more going on in their lives.

So, no, you're not alone.