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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Struggling to cope with ex's mental health issues

4 replies

PopKid1987 · 09/04/2022 10:53

My ex left us (me and our 10 year old) 7 months ago. It was devastating but also a relief as he had become emotionally abusive and our relationship was falling apart. Underlying his behaviour is mental health issues: severe depression, anxiety and alcohol misuse. He moved into a flat near to us 4 months ago so that he could still see our son and play a role in childcare. However, his mental health has got worse and worse. He's already spent 2 weeks in a psychiatric hospital earlier this year, which seemed to have got him on the road to recovery, but he's recently relapsed with his drinking, is having suicidal thoughts, and has essentially stopped functioning - not eating, washing, etc. A couple of days ago he finally lost his job, which has of course pushed him even closer to the edge. After some prompting, his family have stepped in and he will hopefully be admitted again soon for 7 days. However, this is just a sticking plaster: when he's out of hospital I can't see how he's going to avoid slipping back down into the darkness, and I truly worry that he will either end his life or end up dead due to self-neglect/drinking. This is all awful for him of course. However, I am now also struggling with how to carry on myself. I still care about him and can't bear the thought of the worst happening. There is also of course our son to think about - he is aware that his dad is not well, but loves him very much and I dread to think what the effect would be on him if his dad were to die. My question is: how do I carry on with my life with this going on? I need to take care of my son as my number 1 priority, and also need do a good job at work as I now have total financial responsibility. I need to look after myself and stay healthy and sane. How do I do this when I have this constant worry about what will happen to my ex and the feeling of responsibility for him? I know I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and carry on for my son's sake. But it is so difficult to put the worry aside and do anything but the basics. I feel anxious and shaky most of the time. I am already having my own counselling (which is useful) and have some good friends around. I have thought about moving away, to distance myself from the situation, but would then be away from my friends and my son finds his school a place of stability, so I am reluctant to do that. Any advice or similar experiences?

OP posts:
speakball · 09/04/2022 11:23

Gosh op how difficult for you all. What helps in these situations is to imagine that was you with his difficulties. How would you want people around you to feel? If I was you ex I wouldn't want you to feel awful and helpless all the time, I'd want you to signpost me to the professional help I need but know that you couldn't make me do anything. I'd want you to know there were many people who could support me but unless I wanted support and change that no one person could change me or my choices. I wouldn't want you to torture yourself with feelings of responsibility or helplessness. I'd want you to make yours and

speakball · 09/04/2022 11:24

Sorry accidentally posted, I'd want you to make your child's life good, healthy and lovely. I'd want you to be happy.

PopKid1987 · 09/04/2022 11:34

@speakball that is so lovely, thank you.

OP posts:
GrannyBloomers · 09/04/2022 18:57

You come across as a very kind and caring person.

I have MH issues (though no substance issues) and sometimes I struggle. My ex has gently reminded me it might be a good idea to go to the Gp and in my case that has been helpful.

I agree with what Speakball says about your ex probably wants you to be happy and give your child a good life. That has to be your focus

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