Anxious attachment style

[weddinglovepure]

Hello,

I have been dealing with drastic thoughts and feelings for quite a while now.

I had a break up last year where he abandoned me.

It took so long to move on and when I finally did, I dated someone new.

Till the time he broke up with me too, within 5 months of knowing and seeing each other.

The first guy communicated the break up and left me on a positive note.

However, the recent break with second guy left by ghosting and cruel words.

I am hurt. I cannot put into words what I go through on daily basis.

The consequences of which are showing in daily routine like excessive sleeping and excessive hunger.

I can't focus on anything.

Please help. (I cannot afford therapy at the moment)

I also have an anxious attachment style in relationships. In short, I get anxious if my partner doesn't communicate to me even for like few hours. Or I fear abandonment often.

I really want to heal from it.

Any suggestions or recommendations or thoughts are welcomed.
Warm hugs :)

I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Your anxiety is really affecting your life in so many ways. I know you said you can’t afford therapy right now, are you able to go to the gp and speak to them?

Anxious attachment is a really tough thing to accept in a partner but there are so many people out there who don’t mind and will support you but only if you try support yourself at the same time.

Look online for free cbt courses, videos, books etc as this will be a good start.

I’d maybe back off dating for a little while and focus on your wellbeing. Time to focus on you and how build your confidence and self esteem.
Get a journal/ diary and start writing your feelings down. Write everything positive and negative down and give yourself small targets that you’d like to meet such as eating healthier meals. Cutting down snacking. Set alarms tk get up and go outside for a walk.
Try set yourself a routine and keep to it.
Talk to your friends and family and explain openly about what you’re going through.

Didnt want to read and run.
I also suffer terribly with an anxious attachment style.
It sounds ridiculous to other people, but my partner not responding to my message for a few hours i go into fight or flight mode and grt myself into a right state thinking hes going to abandon me.
It really does effect daily life so much
Im currently going to cbt for this.
Just wanted to say that i understand and ur not alone.
Please feel free to pm me at any point ☺

I completely understand your anxious attachment. It's taken me nearly 3 years to feel secure. I do have wobbles.

But my god I was horrendous when we were first together. I'm so grateful he stuck it out, we has some rough time's. The only thing that's really helped is to accept that the right person won't leave and actually and unfortunately we have no control over if someone leaves us. I know that's not much help, but it stopped me obsessing and worrying.

I love my DP to pieces and would be heartbroken if he left. But I have no control over that. And actually being obsessive and worrying pushes people away. I would look for some self help reading or online courses

So sorry to hear you are struggling. Many of us understand how you are feeling - and importantly, why. Try reading
Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the science of adult attachment can help you find – and keep – love by Amir Levine

Thank you so much for sharing this. I am not sure what's GP? I'll for sure try other things, especially cbt. Again, thanks! Cheers : )

The right man won't leave, I cannot control someone's actions. I can control the way I react or feel. Thanks a lot!! I am glad you overcame it and you have a partner who didn't leave because of this.
I pushed many people away because of my anxiety.
I'll look for online courses.

@applepiesuxx

So sorry to hear you are struggling. Many of us understand how you are feeling - and importantly, why. Try reading Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the science of adult attachment can help you find – and keep – love by Amir Levine

Thank you for the suggestion! Really appreciate it.

@Lostsoul91

I completely understand your anxious attachment. It's taken me nearly 3 years to feel secure. I do have wobbles.

But my god I was horrendous when we were first together. I'm so grateful he stuck it out, we has some rough time's. The only thing that's really helped is to accept that the right person won't leave and actually and unfortunately we have no control over if someone leaves us. I know that's not much help, but it stopped me obsessing and worrying.

I love my DP to pieces and would be heartbroken if he left. But I have no control over that. And actually being obsessive and worrying pushes people away. I would look for some self help reading or online courses

The right man won't leave, I cannot control someone's actions. I can control the way I react or feel. Thanks a lot!! I am glad you overcame it and you have a partner who didn't leave because of this. I pushed many people away because of my anxiety. I'll look for online courses.

GP = your doctor. Book a normal doctor appointment and ask to be referred to therapy.

In the meantime, Google low-cost therapy in your area.

I can control the way I react or feel

Nobody can control how they feel. Otherwise the world would be a completely different place. We'd all choose to love exercise and hate unhealthy food. We'd all choose not to fall in love with the wrong person. We'd all choose to like a lifestyle that barely cost any money.

Believing that you can control how you feel is the basis of an anxious attachment style: you don't like how you feel, so you work and work to change it, and when it doesn't change, you feel unworthy.

Drop the belief that you can change how you feel. Understand that you actually need to cater to how you feel. So, if someone makes you feel in any way negative, stay away from them, rather than stressing about how to fix it. Pushing people away because of your anxiety is actually just your nature making itself known: nice though they may have been, you didn't feel comfortable around these people, so you made them go away. It would have been less emotionally disruptive though, to identify the 'I am anxious with you' feeling, and respectfully withdraw.

Don't change your feelings to fit your people; change your people to fit your feelings.

Could you get some self help books for your library or I use audible for them as a relatively cheap option, might that be an option? I have irregular therapy but in the main I do my own work around my childhood issues. The reason being is because eventually you have to find a way of trusting yourself, meeting your own needs and learning how to seek out healthy people to have a healthy relationship with. I started 4 years ago with an incredibly anxious attachment arising out of childhood experiences and I have made enormous progress by developing an awareness of my experiences and emotions and reactions. I’m a work in progress, I like you still have anxiety symptoms and from time to time when there is a lot going on, I have a lot of symptoms but I can definitely see that I am making progress with this stuff.

I can totally relate to your post and recognise that I too have an anxious attachment style in my current relationship which stems from an emotional abusive childhood.
I have very low self worth which I am working through with my CBT therapist but my goodness it is so hard to change my thought process. I love my partner dearly, he loves me too but because of my own self doubt and insecurities I struggle to express my fears and feelings with him. I am due to move house but until something permanent turns up, I need somewhere to stay in but I just cannot bring myself to ask him if I can stay with him for fear of him saying no even though he has said previously I could stay with him.
I know the issue is with me. He has been very supportive and treats me lovely which is a blessing after being in an emotional abusive marriage for a good number of years, he is nothing like my ex.
I am hoping that the books recommended will help me change my thought process and overcome this anxiety so I can enjoy the relationship.

I just came on to recommend the book @applepiesuxx recommended above, it’s meant to be very good, I have it to read as I also struggle, though better since therapy

Thais Gibson has some youtube videos about attachment styles that I found really helpful. They're relatively short so worth checking out to see if you like them - her account name is Personal Development School.

I am exact same. I also have terrible attachment to my DP who I absolutely adore. I’m just a nightmare to him and I really don’t mean to be. It’s the fear of abandonment. What do u find helps? He’s exhausted and so am I.

@Lostsoul91 I know this is an old thread, but I have came across it when looking up anxious attachment. Can you please tell me how you changed to secure attachment?

Your first partner didn't "abandon" you. You're not a dog, or a child. You're an adult woman, an independent adult. He broke up the relationshio, as he had the right to do, as you have the right to do with anyone.