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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I leave

13 replies

Hungryhippo1320 · 09/04/2022 06:28

Hi, so my fiancé and I plus our 3 children (1mine,2his) who both have full time custody of moved in together last summer. I would love to say that it has been a wonderful 8 months but it has been absolutely horrible. We argue constantly, he spends most of our money on cannabis, he doesn't work (I do), he does very little around the house. He expects sex daily, multiple times a day, he'll wake me me in the early hours for sex and when I nicely say, it's too early please leave me alone he gets incredibly angry, pushes and shoves me. Sometimes he forces himself on me. Our fights have become physical as well. This morning, just 30 minutes ago, he woke me for sex, I said no its 6am I'm tired. He instantly turned on me, telling me he hated me and he wanted me out of the house. Then he spat at me. I feel absolutely empty. I gave up mine and my child's lovely home to move to the othe side of town with him, I've moved my child to a new school and it was all a huge mistake. I'm desperately unhappy and just want to get away from him. The problem is, I can't afford to leave and I fell out with most of my family last year (not over him, although they do not like him), I don't want to go back to them and be told 'we told you so'.
When we're not arguing or when he's not sulking over sex, he can be the loveliest kindest mam but the bad is outweighing the good and I need out before it gets any worse. What do I do? 😔

OP posts:
itsmschanandlerbong · 09/04/2022 06:33

Is going into refuge an option or presenting as homeless? You need to leave, he sounds absolute vile. Ignore what your family will say, it's better that than staying in a relationship where you and your child continue to be abused. Domestic abuse is child a abuse.

Herejustforthisone · 09/04/2022 06:44

You leave. As soon as you can. Protect your kids and yourself. This man is an abusive rapist.

Katsun · 09/04/2022 07:05

You do need to leave as soon as you can, do you have any friends you can stay with temporarily? I understand about your family but surely they won’t want your child affected by this awful situation or you come to that. I left an alcoholic partner a few years ago although I had made preparations (money, place to live etc). But I also know I would have felt the same relief of not being with him if I was in a friends/family members spare room. The weight lifted was immense & my DDs were happy again. This is itself was worth taking that step. Please confide in someone to help you leave in case he tries to stop you. We moved possessions whilst he was drunk/asleep. Do not attempt this alone if he’s physical. It’s a big step but one you won’t regret, it took me a long time to realise this, too long but the feeling once on the other side is so worth it. I hope you can reach out to someone for help with this, thinking of you.

GeneLovesJezebel · 09/04/2022 07:07

Go to your family now, let them say I told you so and get it over with, then move on.

loveyoutothemoon · 09/04/2022 10:29

Go to your family, if they say that to you so be it, being safe with someone you trust far outweighs staying there with him. You need to leave now.

Teeturtle · 09/04/2022 10:34

You work, you managed without him up to eight months ago, of course you can manage again.

If you need family to help then get their help, them saying “told you so” is better than being raped and spat on isn’t it. I’d probably reply “you were right”.

magicduck1 · 09/04/2022 10:48

I feel for you. This sounds exactly the same as the situation i am in apart from the sex part.
I want to leave and i know i have to, but everytime i go to i remember the good times and that I really love him and it makes me stay hoping one day it will go back to the happy times i never does and am stuck in the cycle again.

BeepBoopBop · 09/04/2022 14:52

You cannot afford to stay OP, the life will be sucked out of you. But what on earth possessed you to hitch your wagon to an unemployed dope-head???????

teapoems · 09/04/2022 17:32

@BeepBoopBop

You cannot afford to stay OP, the life will be sucked out of you. But what on earth possessed you to hitch your wagon to an unemployed dope-head???????
She’s asking for advice here, @BeepBoopBop - can we maybe save the victim blaming for another time?
BeepBoopBop · 09/04/2022 18:05

Genuine question. My advice would be different if this is a regular thing Confused
What's your advice then?

MollyButton · 09/04/2022 18:18

My only worry would be for his kids. Can their mother care for them? I would let their school/social services know I was leaving/had left.

LollyLol · 09/04/2022 20:17

Go to your family, they will probably say I told you so, but they will want you and your child to be safe.

I feel so sorry for his own kids. Maybe a call to social services is in order, after you have left.

needmorethanthis · 09/04/2022 20:29

He’s a rapist. You must get away. Sleep in the same room as your child until you can leave. Is the house you’re in now in your name?

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