How to live and let live

[Onelastgo22]

I have many a thread under different names over the last couple of years.

Mumsnetters have helped me recognise the toxic (if not abusive) dynamic if my marriage.

I left, after much advice in the summer of last year.

I have felt I had given everything I had to my marriage.

After we separated, I waited, hopeful that he would step up, acknowledge my feelings and change, he didn't.

Now after months of saying that I pushed him away, when I left room for him to step up, he is telling me that he left me because I was abusive to him.

I know I had my faults, but through counselling, deep down, I know I wasn't abusive to him, he deemed any expectation u had of him to be unreasonable.

I am trying not to let it get to me, but I have being accused of being a victim playing, gaslighting, abusive liar and it is making me question everything.

Yes, I was frustrated when I arrived home with the dc and he was sat on the ps with no housework done.

Yes I felt upset and alone when he had no time for me, or our fanily, but did for his own pursuits.

I raised this with him alot, but now, despite verbally and sometimes physically telling me that he didn't like me very much, he has turned things around to him fleeing my abuse.

I ended things once I decided I couldn't take his verbal lashings anymore.

I am very confused and feeling like an awful person, I don't know where to go from here.

We always know the truth deep down. Sometimes you just need to throw in the towel and walk away.

I can't help much, but OP. You know who you are. Do not let him make you forget yourself.

People see the same situation differently. You see it one way, he sees it another. Within yourself, agree to see it differently to him. Then let it go.
Don’t have any conversation that will allow him to make these claims, just don’t go there.
Be glad you escaped and move on. When these thoughts pop into your head, distract yourself and push them out.

Abusive men do this.

They rewrite what happened to save people finding out what they are.

My one also told everyone he left me because I was abusive, he absolutely didn't. Thanks n fact it took months for me to get him out. He said the same thing about his ex before me.

Me and DH don’t have the best relationship any more, in fact we are two people sharing a house.
I went in his iPad one day, with his permission, and could see that he had googled gaslighting. He obviously thinks I’ve gaslighted him, in some way, yet what I’ve actually done is disengage from our relationship , and become independent within it to save myself. But that’s his opinion, if he actually took the time to talk and ask me he’d find out.

You know the truth. This is just a continuation of HIS abuse toward you. Because it's the only way he has now to make you feel terrible about yourself.
So don't let him succeed in that.
Teach yourself to completely ignore him.
You've done the brave bit. You left. And this current nastiness just underlines how very right you were to do so

He's the one gaslighting you.

He's the one playing the victim.

And he's also the abusive liar.

You know in your heart you are none of the above.

He's manipulating you.

Hopefully you are in the process of divorce and can soon have very little / nothing to do with him in the future (it's not clear from your post if you have DC together)

Allow your own opinions of yourself and strength of character to shine and disregard what comes out of his mouth, use 'grey rock' as much as possible and try not to get drawn into arguments with him, I imagine this is what he wants - to bait you.

He's trying to tear you apart and make you question your sanity / the truth of the situation.

Oh and he'll be hurting badly! How dare you leave this gem of a man, you will know your place.

Good luck x

Hold on to the truth. You know what happened. He is now in your past and his opinions and feelings are irrelevant. He is gaslighting, trying to change the past, to rewrite history so he's not the villain of the story.

The best thing you can do is ignore him. It's the only sensible thing to do, as he's talking rubbish. If you react, he will keep doing it. If you ignore him, he'll give up sooner.

Don't respond, don't react with anger or upset, don't try to defend yourself. His nonsense and lies don't deserve a response or a conversation.

Classic DARVO tactic of the abuser -
Defend, Attack, Reverse, Victim and Offender

Well done on getting as far as you have but you are still doing a different version of hoping he would reflect acknowledge and step up and change.

This is who he is. He will not change. He is just doubling down.

Step back, step up - withdraw, emotionally detach within your head. Have zero expectations from him - except that he will continue to be abusive and likely get worse.

Don’t give him the opportunity to do that - stop engaging take yourself out of punching distance.

Classic abuser tactic.

It’s good you’re out of it, but have you set sensible boundaries (eg so you’re not getting into these conversations), done the Freedom Programme etc?

It is extremely common for abusive men to do this. Sometimes it's manipulative to further undermine your self esteem, its called post separtion abuse. Sometimes it's to portray themselves as a victim (maybe new woman on the scene??) Or it's because they have such a level of entitlement that that any boundaries did feel like abusive to them.

Use the time being single to heal and to grow. Learn boundaries and how to enforce them assertively. Reflecting on what went on is natural but try not not be too obsessive. Do one thing for yourself each day and journal as that can help.

I know how you feel OP. I split from exh 4 months ago. He still maintains I abused him. I even rang the DV helpline at one point and told them all of my "behaviours" and even though we worked it out that it was him abusing me and my behaviours were completely normal I still let that nugget of self doubt in.

When I read the book - Should I stay or should I go by Lundy Bancroft I realised he was abusing me and not the other way round. I scanned each chapter looking for evidence that I was the abuser. I wasnt. But he is still maintaining that he was abused, and the woman before him also abused him ect ect.

I don't engage anymore. I do think it's interesting that he still wants to be with me in spite of my 'abusive ways'. I felt very confused and then angry for a few months. Now I feel mildly amused that I was such an evil person.. but he still wants me . I'm making such a happy life for myself this year and concentrating on self love.

Thanks for everyone's responses.

All sound advice as always.

I feel like I'm not doing myself any favours at this point and have spent the last 3 days crying.

I get sacked in all the time (because I still love him, or at least the version of him I wish he was) then he spits me back out in the cruelest of ways.

I'm going to try and just keep out of his way and keep working on myself.

I was getting to a good place a couple of weeks ago then he was talking about us working things out and I actually offered for us to meet and talk it through and he said no as he couldn't go back to the abuse.

He has since been having a go asking why he would leave a good wife or a loving wife or a wife who gave her all.

It's really knocked me as I did try and be a good wife and I placed alot of value on being a good wife and mam.

Let him think what he wants, that's where your freedom is. He used to be able to upset you because he knew you worried what he thought. Life is like a garden, put your effort into making your garden lovely, don't worry about what someone thinks of your garden or what they aren't doing in their garden.

It sounds like the amount of contact and communication you are still having with him is not at all helpful. Ideally cutoff contact completely would seem sensible but if this isn’t an option because of children, could you drastically reduce the amount of contact to an absolute minimum, eg only communicating by text and blocking him on everything else?

Yeah we have dc but I'm going to reduce contact again and just keep out of the way.

I always get drawn into it as I wanted things to work and even when he has told me he was done with me I've tried to keep things amicable and friendly for the dc but this just keeps happening.

You might want to be amicable and friendly, he doesn't. He wants to win, and he very much wants you to lose. So stop playing.

You and he are fundamentally different, he isn't after peace and understanding, he is after feeling superior and right at your expense. As long as you assume he is like you, you will be stuck in this hell spiral feeding his ego. He isn't like you, there is nothing you can say to get him to see it reasonably, he doesn't want to see it reasonably. You have to imagine that communicating with him is like shouting into a void, nothing hits home, nothing affects him.

It's really funny you say about the need to win as it's something he says I do alot, where I find that actually, he would just rather I said nothing.

I've managed to hide from him this weekend.

I do have a feeling he had a date on Saturday, which stings, but is his choice.

I just wish he could have been kinder to me and put me first at times.

Seems like such a waste. I miss the shared history and experience and mostly the family unit, even if he wasn't particularly bothered about it.

I need to stop wallowing i guess!

Well onelastgo that like so much o his behaviour,sounds like classic projection. He is telling you you do a,b,c, but he is not decrcribing you at all, he is descrbing himself. A lot of people do this and it is extremely revealing of what is going on in their minds

“I was getting to a good place a couple of weeks ago THEN he was talking about us working things out and I actually offered for us to meet and talk it through and he said no as he couldn't go back to the abuse.”

“He has since been having a go asking why he would leave a good wife or a loving wife or a wife who gave her all.”

“It's really knocked me as I did try and be a good wife and I placed alot of value on being a good wife and mam.”

Do you see what he did there - you were moving away emotionally out of his power and he then manipulated you to reel you back in far enough to then punish you with an attack. This is the nice / nasty abuse cycle.

His next manoeuvre is the date - he will do everything…..v subtly…..so that you know …. So that he unsettles and destabilises you so that he can hurt you.

Don’t get drawn in. Keep out of punching distance by going v v low and controlled contact I order to minimise exposure and retain your sanity which you need to raise your DCs effectively. All child arrangements should be set in writing for the rest of the year. Any communication from him to you is via a dedicated email address (blocked on everything else) - you can read the emails once a week and respond 48 hours later - they can be screened by a friend for abuse before …. tell him this. Don’t engage in his gaslighting - if you did let rip and question your reactions / volatility - then know that this environment/ relationship isn’t compatible with your own MH.

Your user name @Onelastgo22 worries me.

Well, after all that, turns out he is actually seeing somebody.

It's like he goes out of his way to hurt me 😥

@Onelastgo22

Well, after all that, turns out he is actually seeing somebody.

It's like he goes out of his way to hurt me 😥

Yes that’s right.

That’s what he has always done.

What’s new? Why are you surprised?

I am sorry that you are going through this and my comments are not intended to sting but to focus and clarify.

Don’t let him taunt you.

It's just one thing after another with him.

I'm emotionally and physically exhausted from it all. I feel broken 💔

I am really struggling still, that he was making out like he wanted to work on things and continue to be a family.

We never really spent time apart after we sperated and now I feel like a fool, that I was offering to talk through our issues just last week, after he brought it up, when all along he was seeing someone else.

I feel so, so stupid.

He was at home almost every night, back in my bed and with my family at Christmas, continued days out as a family and contact and now this.

I can't eat, sleep, I'm just broken.