Would you go on a day out with your husband when in middle or argument

[februarybluee]

As the title says, would you go out with your husband when in the middle of an argument?

I'm talking when you've had a big argument, still both need time to cool down and properly discuss it, but there's something planned but not serious e.g. a casual visit for a few hours to their parents?

My gut says no just make your excuses and spend time apart but does the rule go out of the window when stepchildren are involved?

Thanks

How long is this argument going on for? I don’t think we’ve ever had anything more than a squabble and certainly nothing that I have been compelled to cancel a day out for. If there are children involved I would find it especially sad if you ruined their day out too. I would expect the parent to carry on with the plans even if the step parent didn’t go.

I would put the argument to one side for the sake of others and then resume it later ( with teeth)

Yes. Perhaps. I had a "once in decade" Hiroshima scale nuclear fall out with my wife about 2 weeks ago. I understand it may not work for you as a couple but we spent the day together not doing anything special - just getting on with life as normal but doing more gardening than usual which is what we had previously planned to do (the fall out was nothing to do with gardening btw) - I think it helped to be a) "doing" something instead of stewing on the fall out and b) to be doing something "together". It helped start the healing process. We're 60, been together since we were 12 and I/we seem to try not to act like petulant children just because we had a disagreement so even if I'm unhappy about something it won't stop me from doing the things I normally do - I'll still get up early and make her packed lunch for work and her breakfast, etc - I just try and get back to "normal" as quickly as possible and not escalate things - this may just be us and I'm sure other couples might handle things differently - maybe it's best for you to give each other since space. If you are going to be adult about it you are going to have to sort things out by talking and sometimes you'll have to accept that you don't agree about something - relationships are hard and complex - even long lasting ones. Can you both just aim to put the fall out to one side and try and make the most of your time together. I found that by doing the gardening together it was a chance to talk about other things, to show I still cared and that I wanted to make an effort and it was a chance even to say positive things and to reach agreement on things. I was just digging shrubs up and moving them, pruning things and putting some soil improver in - miscellaneous things - it was an opportunity to show how we can and do work together and to see each other in a positive light again. Maybe you can use the visit to say something positive about your partner assuming you really want to heal things - maybe he will reciprocate. Hope that helps.

Thanks for the replies.

Husband being a massive arsehole, big argument, went to bed separately.

No big day out planned, just an hour visit to his parents who we see all the time.

@larkstar

Yes. Perhaps. I had a "once in decade" Hiroshima scale nuclear fall out with my wife about 2 weeks ago. I understand it may not work for you as a couple but we spent the day together not doing anything special - just getting on with life as normal but doing more gardening than usual which is what we had previously planned to do (the fall out was nothing to do with gardening btw) - I think it helped to be a) "doing" something instead of stewing on the fall out and b) to be doing something "together". It helped start the healing process. We're 60, been together since we were 12 and I/we seem to try not to act like petulant children just because we had a disagreement so even if I'm unhappy about something it won't stop me from doing the things I normally do - I'll still get up early and make her packed lunch for work and her breakfast, etc - I just try and get back to "normal" as quickly as possible and not escalate things - this may just be us and I'm sure other couples might handle things differently - maybe it's best for you to give each other since space. If you are going to be adult about it you are going to have to sort things out by talking and sometimes you'll have to accept that you don't agree about something - relationships are hard and complex - even long lasting ones. Can you both just aim to put the fall out to one side and try and make the most of your time together. I found that by doing the gardening together it was a chance to talk about other things, to show I still cared and that I wanted to make an effort and it was a chance even to say positive things and to reach agreement on things. I was just digging shrubs up and moving them, pruning things and putting some soil improver in - miscellaneous things - it was an opportunity to show how we can and do work together and to see each other in a positive light again. Maybe you can use the visit to say something positive about your partner assuming you really want to heal things - maybe he will reciprocate. Hope that helps.

Thank you for your very kind and thoughtful response.

Your post makes a lot of sense and it sounds a healthy way to deal with things.

I've actually found as you say that the normality of day to day life sometimes heals the rift.

Your post has actually made me a lot less angry!

I don't think I've ever cancelled plans because we've had an argument - even though the times we get most snippy with each other are probably around the faff of getting ready to go out, or when the event obviously means something to one of us and the other would much rather not go (we've been on both sides).

I find the process of getting ourselves from A to B actually helps? Similar to what @larkstar said about normal routines - going somewhere necessitates basic communication (what time is the train, do you have the gift) and falling into routines that help the other person out. So you can't really fall into the black hole of Not Talking To Each Other. By the time we arrive we tend to have both got over it.

Also agree that even arguments that haven't been resolved can be smoothed over by doing something nice and unrelated. There have been times when I certainly wasn't going to apologise first because I was in the right, but offering to make a cup of tea just gets the mood back in the right direction.

Never go to bed on an argument!

@Februarybluee

Thanks for the replies.

Husband being a massive arsehole, big argument, went to bed separately.

No big day out planned, just an hour visit to his parents who we see all the time.

No I would NOT.

He can head off on his own.

His parents and he is a prat.

Let him off.

If we didn't go out during arguments we would never go out

I’d say you’ve got a headache and not go.

Nah, usually when I get in a spat with someone I dont want to be anywhere near them. Just their presences makes me seethe. I would rather for us to go our separate ways for the day til that feeling wears off lol

@AfterSchoolWorry

If we didn't go out during arguments we would never go out

😂

Thanks everyone for your sound contributions!

It's actually his birthday today. He's not big on birthdays. I said happy birthday and we sorted things out. All fine.

Obviously if he had been a mega arse this morning I think we'd have done our own separate things. Glad I'm not alone in that!