How do I put these memories to rest?

[memorypleasestop]

The person I've wanted to be with for the majority of my adult life passed away a few weeks ago.

It never worked out between us and I'm wracked with regret and guilt, especially over the last two years.

I never quite realised, or maybe I did, how much my every thought came back to him, every memory, every decision.

Well, now I definitely do. And I need it to stop.

Please tell me how.

What exactly do you feel guilty about? Was it your fault that you were not with this person?

Grief is all consuming and it magnifies everything you think and feel and it also makes you rewrite history.

It's OK to have these feelings and memories and the intensity of it will pass, but just for the moment when feelings are raw and you have regrets it will not harm you to think about the past so you can work out for yourself why you were not together and come to terms with that.

It feels like my fault. That I expected too much last time he told me that he loved me. That I should have taken my chance before lockdown and believed that he meant what he said. All I'm seeing now is people saying how honest, genuine and lovely he was. Friends with all his other exes on social media. But he hurt me and I needed more proof. I just don't know what I expected that to be, really.

But what I'm most sorry about is that I didn't try and stay friends. He contacted me a few times and I just kept it polite and brief and tried not to be blunt and bitter. I think I thought that time would pass and I'd be able to do that.

The one and only thing I have to hold on to is that I messaged him when he suffered a bereavement. That was our last contact before he took his own life.

That's what I regret the most, not being his friend at the end. Not telling him that he would always means so much to me, and that what mattered most to me wasn't all crap from over the years, but that he was safe and happy.

And now every moment there is a reminder of him and a reminder of what I didn't do.

I'm so sorry this sounds heartbreaking.

Maybe write him a letter. You can write more than one if it's cathartic. Decide what to do with them later xx 💕💔

Please don’t feel guilty about this. One way or another this poor gentleman had mental health issues and that isn’t your fault. Grief will make feelings stronger and to process your memories with him don’t ignore them but recognise them, writing them down is good. Speak to someone and tell them exactly what your feeling and thinking. Don’t think about how it would be different if you stayed with him. The more you talk and express this out with family and friends the easier it will be to process. Xxx

I know it might never have worked out between us. He was seeing someone new, had good friends, so I'm under no illusion that it's me who could have saved him.

But there was things I should have tried harder to convince him to do to help himself back when we were in proper contact. And even if I hadn't been able to convince him, I just wish so much that I hadn't kept things so distant.

You are not responsible for the decisions he made and his life choices. You say he hurt you and you kept your distance. You could not have saved him and should not think any of this is your fault.

Sometimes we look at life through rose coloured glasses and only remember the good things but that is what we do to feel better. The bad stuff is forgotten about because you don't want to admit it to yourself.

To think you could have stopped him from doing something by trying harder to help him is what people do when someone they thought they knew well takes their own life. i'm sorry for your loss

You are looking at this from the position of knowing what's happened, but when you took those decisions you didn't know of course. And couldn't know. And it wouldn't necessarily have helped if you did know. You took decisions to act as you acted based on what you knew. He had hurt you, and you realised you needed to distance yourself. I'm sure you did that with good reason. We see it all the time on these boards - people who are advised to distance themselves, either because someone is bad for them, or because it hurts them to be in touch.

He had a gf and good friends. That didn't stop him killing himself, and you wouldn't have been able to stop him either.

You are seeing all those messages saying what a great guy he was, and you are doubting your reason for distancing yourself from him. But remember that people say these things when someone has died. Noone posts 'he could be a bit of an arse' or 'he sometimes treated his gf badly' on a memorial wall. He wasn't a saint and he wasn't a monster. He just wasn't the right person for you.

It's tragic that he's ended his life, and I'm sorry for how that's left you feeling. But you aren't in any way to blame, and it doesn't mean you made the wrong choice.

I know that everything being said makes sense, but I just can't apply it to me.

I knew him for almost twenty years, and I never got over him. And I don't see how I possibly ever will now.

I thought I was at some kind of peace with things until this happened. But that's because I still had hope.

I think I could even bear it had it been an accident. But not this.

I have an introductory meeting with a counsellor booked for week after next. I'm hoping she can work a miracle.

You are grieving and that is amplyfying everything you are feeling. Have a think about writing letters to him as someone suggested. Also think about counselling/therapy. It wasn't your job to save him. I'm sorry for your loss x

I want to stop grieving. I want to just go to sleep for ages and wake up and feel okay.

I don't think there will be words that can take away your grief. It is such a horrific time, dealing with loss, and I have no advice except to let yourself mourn, to sit with it and be kind to yourself. Am glad you have booked counseling.

Just had my third dream about him in a week. I don't think I ever had three dreams about him when he was here.

Can someone please tell me how to stop the dreams?