DS scared of ExH, DD wants contact HELP!

[imayhavelostmymarbles]

DD (12) and DS (12) have alternate weekend contact with Ex since they were 3.
I left because of his controlling behaviour and emotional abuse. I was scared of his moods, which change with no warning.
DS has always been protective of ExH.
Tonight he has said he doesn't want to go for 10 days (Easter hols) as he is scared of him and his shouting and changeable moods. He is scared he might hurt him- his words although he denies that he has hit him before.
But DD is now defending ExH although she has anxiety and is scared of shouting, loud noises and lack of routines. (she will withdraw or burst into tears). She wants to go, but he will play them off against each other. And she would hate being away from me for 10 days without her brother.
I don't know what to do?

You can't make him go just becuase she is. Time to start letting them make decisions as individuals I think.

Let her go, keep ds at home, and make sure she knows that you’ll come and collect her if she wants to come home.

Whilst she’s gone try and use the space to talk 1 to 1 with ds about his feelings and see if he’ll come out with a bit more about why he’s not wanting to go. Make sure he knows that you will support him in his choice but don’t choose for him.

I would also think about some counselling for both of them - it sounds like they are at a point of wanting to think about cutting contact and some outside support would be valuable I think.

I had this when the kids were a bit younger than yours. I explained to the DD that wanted to go that the other no longer had to go if she didn't want to. We'd been through court at the kids instigation at this point and contact at the court ordered refuge was coming to an end.

The eldest and I read the out of the fog website together. She was amazed by the bit on daughters - couldn't believe how someone could be describing her Dad without having met him. She decided to have a break from going.

That break started in Jan 2015. Still ongoing.

Does your ex live close enough for DS to have some daytime contact with him, but not stay overnight? While 12 is old enough to have a view about how he spends time with his dad, he might not appreciate the impact on his long term relationship with his dad if he completely stops going. So some visits rather than overnight stays might help maintain their relationship, but give DS some breathing space too.

That would also address your concern about DD not wanting to go on her own for such a long stretch.

If ex doesn't look close enough the other option would be for you to get a hotel room nearby for a few of the nights. That's a massive commitment from you though and I'm sure your ex won't appreciate such an effort.

Thank you all for your help.
After a long conversation today they have decided to go, but less days than planned and we all phoned him together and they told him the were scared of him when he shouts and that his temper is volatile (i am paraphrasing). And that they will not see him of this continues.