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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Have you ever left someone based on a hunch

23 replies

Whispers1988 · 08/04/2022 20:50

I'm with DP 2 and a half years and we're expecting a child soon. I don't trust him. I have a very strong gut feeling something is going on that would make me break up with him.
He sees me less, has reduced contact by phone, never wants to talk in the evenings and is unreachable some nights. He's extremely attached to his phone at all times and takes it with him to go from one room to another even if it's just to get a glass of water.

I feel like I'm paranoid and crazy sometimes but it gets on top of me and I just want away from him. I'm losing feelings for him because I'm convinced he's cheating. In the past there has been a few incidents that have been highly suspicious but lately its like there's been a big change since I'm pregnant and alot more nights where he is unreachable.

Should I go with my gut and just leave? I don't want to be a suspicious gf anymore.

Also, he's been letting me pay for everything, promises the world but never delivers.

OP posts:

itbemay1 · 08/04/2022 20:52

Leave. Always trust your instinct. He sounds crap.

Neverreturntoathread · 08/04/2022 20:53

If you don’t wanna be with him, don’t be with him - you don’t need a reason. Do be aware though that pregnancy/ childbirth hormones can do some very weird things to the brain and mental health. My friend got super paranoid when she was pregnant, it was rntirely @Whispers1988

Hope you’re ok xxx

Neverreturntoathread · 08/04/2022 20:54

Sorry message got half deleted 🤷‍♀️ Just wanted to add that I’d suggest not making any decisions in a hurry, and talking through your feelings and options with an experienced counsellor.

CrowAndABut · 08/04/2022 20:55

You can do this alone. It's better than doing it with someone you don't trust.

Whatever00 · 08/04/2022 20:55

You aren't happy and you don't trust him. You don't need evidence of wrongdoing. You being unhappy in the relationship is enough. You are still in the early years of the relationship and unfortunately this is as good as it gets.

A580Hojas · 08/04/2022 20:58

He sounds awful, so sorry.

Original poster

Whispers1988 · 08/04/2022 21:01

Thank you for the wise words. I am trying to bide my time but truth is sometimes my emotions get the better of me and I struggle not to tell him to do one. I know I can do it on my own but going to feel like a massive failure that I couldn't make this work. It'll be hard doing night feeds on my own especially if he's moved on.

OP posts:

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 09/04/2022 06:53

Don't see it as you not making it work. I don't know what the incidents were but not paying his way and acting suspiciously enough to convince you he's cheating are all reasons why he's not made it work.

I don't mean to encourage you to make a hasty decision but for me, that feeling that someone is checked out, not being faithful or has eyes elsewhere is so miserable I'd rather be alone and at least know what I was dealing with.

Do you think there could be any reasonable explanation for the reduced contact?

MyCatIsAFuckwit · 09/04/2022 09:20

Did I leave someone on a hunch - Yes
Was the hunch correct - Yes
Was I pleased that I left - Yes

NotNotNotMyName · 09/04/2022 09:33

Yes. I once had a very nice and attentive boyfriend who bought me some perfume from Victoria’s Secret for my birthday. It was nice perfume…when I delved a little deeper he told me the daughter of a family he used to lodge with wore similar perfume. She was late teens/early 20s. We are in our 40s. It was all a bit too pervy 🤢

RussianSpy101 · 09/04/2022 09:38

I did and I was very young; 15. Still at school. There was something so off about him so I stopped meeting him. He was 16.
About 10 years ago I saw him in the local newspaper. He had gone to prison for stalking, sexual assault and rape. Also stalked his ex girlfriend and vandalised her car.
Lucky escape!

Trust your gut OP. If you have the feeling something isn’t right, it probably isn’t! I hope you’re ok.

layladomino · 09/04/2022 09:45

I don't think your life will be any hardy without him. He isn't there now. Based on how he is acting, do you honestly think he will be doing night feeds and his share of the housework and parenting?

It doesn't make you a failure to leave a relationship that isn't working. It makes you strong. I'd rather not use the word failure, but if you must, which sounds more like failure to you -
a) staying with someone who isn't reliable and you don't trust and makes you unhappy
b) knowing your worth, leaving him and building a life for you and DC free of resentment and hurt?

He is showing you who he is. You don't trust him. He doesn't make you happy. He is not a good partner and he doesn't like like he'll be much of a father.

You deserve better.

layladomino · 09/04/2022 09:45

*harder not hardy

Bookworm20 · 09/04/2022 10:41

His behaviour does sound suspicious tbh. We tend to pick up on things which are not feeling quite right. But from what you’ve put it does seem like he’s distancing himself and unfortunately that’s likely to be another woman.
If you need proof, only thing you can do is ask to look at his phone /use his phone and see how he reacts.
Could also just be he’s a man child and panicking about the upcoming baby and going out with mates more?
Either is unacceptable tbh.

As for him promising stuff and not delivering. I’m a firm believer in taking notice of actions not words. People can easily say what they think you want to hear. It’s the actions though that really count.
If he’s constantly letting you down and you’re paying for stuff that’s a big red flag too.
A decent partner would want to take care of their pregnant gf, not do everything to make her anxious. He isn’t there for you right now when he should be.
You need a serious discussion, or trust your gut and leave him to it.

billy1966 · 09/04/2022 11:20

Stop paying for everything and being used.

Of course he is cheating.

Your gut is screaming at you to listen.

He is clearly using you until something better turns up.

Get him out.
Get organised.
Reach out for support.

Stop paying for this leech.

HollowTalk · 09/04/2022 11:22

So you don't live together? I would assume he was seeing someone else, OP. I wouldn't be able to let that go and would need to find out.

Charley50 · 09/04/2022 11:32

I kicked out my ex when DS was 5 months old. He was abusing me verbally and financially, and it was tipping into physical abuse. It was such a relief to be rid of him, and so much easier parenting without someone who causes such stress. Go through official channels to get maintenance though.

Charley50 · 09/04/2022 11:33

Oh and I had loads of new mum friends (organised by health visitor), and some were very admiring of me getting rid, and saying their lives would be easier on their own.

mnnewbie111 · 09/04/2022 11:52

That's more than a hunch

Squeezyhug · 09/04/2022 13:24

Yep, agree with @mnewbie

That’s more than a hunch ... dump him ASAP

You don’t need evidence
Your gut feeling is usually right so just go with that

bluebaul · 09/04/2022 13:28

You would not be leaving him because of a Hinch you would be leaving him because...

He sees me less, has reduced contact by phone, never wants to talk in the evenings and is unreachable some nights. He's extremely attached to his phone at all times and takes it with him to go from one room to another even if it's just to get a glass of water.

His behaviour.

M0RVEN · 09/04/2022 13:49

@Whispers1988

95% of mothers do all the night feeds on their own, even if they have a partner . And yours doesn’t sound like one of those decent thoughtful ones.

Do you have family support? If you want to move house then you should do so before the baby is born.

Original poster

Whispers1988 · 09/04/2022 15:32

Yes. I have good family support, a decent job and my own place. I'm very unhappy and unsettled. I'm just hoping I can be a happy person on my own. It's horrible not trusting someone because I feel like a bad person and it just overshadows everything.

Hats off to you @Charley50. I'm sure your child is doing so much better for that decision.

It's good to get other people's perspectives and experiences of this because it feels like a massive decision but it also feels like I don't really have any other option.

OP posts:

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