How to deal with relative that doesn’t listen to certain requests

[FamilyTrustWoes]

I have a relative who is in some ways very kind and supportive, but in other ways makes my life harder than it need be.

I don’t think it’s intentional I think they just don’t realise or sometimes believe what the potential consequences for me could be.

Very hard to explain without giving specific examples which would be outing.

One rough example is that there is another relative I am nc with for good reason. I do not want the kind relative telling the nc relative about my life and there are certain things I definitely don’t want them knowing as I would not put it past them to use against me, but these are things I can’t really not tell the kind relative as I need them to know as it allows them to provide their support to me.

I have explained several times now in very clear language that certain things mustn’t be told to nc relative and why but kind relative just blabbers!

But it’s not just telling people things it’s also doing certain things. Sometimes I need things to be done a certain way (health related) and other times it’s a case of I need them not to do certain things as it then makes a task or job more difficult for me.

Sometimes they argue they thought it would make things easier for me - even though I’ve explained it has the opposite effect and why - and sometimes they just “forget”

I don’t want to be cross with them they have given me a lot of help and support but it’s getting to a point where I am having to not tell them certain things because I can’t trust them not to blabber! And then they feel hurt if they find out later, but if they knew and blabbered to certain people it could be used against me by less well meaning people and cause me a lot of stress.

How do I get through to them not to do this? Is that even possible? And if not how do I avoid telling them certain things? I hate lying and some things they might find out from other relatives anyway.

It’s getting very tricky and stressful.

If you've asked her not to do things and she continues to do them then it's deliberate isn't it? Because you've asked her not to do it and she does it anyway.

All you can do is not tell her stuff.

I get what you’re saying.

The problem is it’s not the exact same things each time it’s different tasks or information that’s being dealt with

What is the same is them not sticking to what I’ve asked but it’s also not with everything sometimes most of the time even they do as I ask so then I start thinking I can trust them and then they mess up again

It sounds as if you're doing what you have to do. You can't trust her not to blab, so you can't tell her personal stuff. If she finds out/gets offended, you can only say that you didn't tell her bc she might want to tell. Sounds as if she doesn't respect your boundaries and doesn't think it is important for her to keep your private stuff private. Hopefully she will learn to do what you ask, but I wouldn't blame you if it took you a very long time to trust her with your private info.

@DenholmElliot

If you've asked her not to do things and she continues to do them then it's deliberate isn't it? Because you've asked her not to do it and she does it anyway.

All you can do is not tell her stuff.

Not necessarily deliberate, some people dont remember things or dont comprehend things in the same way

But ultimately OP you need to choose who you get support from and if you need or want support from this person then you have to accept their flaws. If you dont want to accept their flaws then get support elsewhere

Its so hard

The relationship waxes and wanes as a result of this.

They mess up, I stop trusting them with stuff so then I miss out on much needed support, then I end up in a situation where I need their support and need to tell them certain things to get that support and at first it goes ok, then something happens where they don't follow what I've asked and I feel I can't trust them again and the relationship suffers as a result and honestly so do I.

I just need them when I've asked them to promise to do/not do x or not tell certain people things to stick to that I don't understand why they find that so difficult

When I raise it with them they appear genuinely apologetic and "omg I completely forgot you said that" or whatever although sometimes as I said it'll be "I thought that would be an easier way to do it" which is frustrating to say the least

It can be something as simple as putting something I need away in a place I can't reach it which may seem a silly thing to get annoyed about but it can make my life or certainly doing the task involving that item very difficult for me

It can even be as simple as me saying not to touch something (cos I know they'll mess it up! Eg some items of tech I have set up a certain way to aid me) and they seemingly can't resist the urge or "forget"

There doesn't appear to be any malice involved just...thoughtlessness or sometimes thinking they know better

I don't have anyone else I can get the support I do from this person

Small family few friends and lots of medical issues are why

Certain things I should be able to get support from official sources but that's so hard to get and keep in place now with resources and funding so tight

You may need to buy in carers as part of your package of care. You either accept the limitations of this person (are they being paid?) or use someone else

They aren’t kind and they aren’t trustworthy. Remember that and don’t tell them anything that can be passed on.

I’m sad to say I think you may be right that I can’t really trust this person which hurts me.

I should be able to trust them yet I just can’t

I can’t buy in the specific care and support they provide partly as it’s not available as something that can really be bought in plus I am not exactly a millionaire!

Think I am going to have to be very careful about how I deal with them going forward and not be lulled into a false sense of security again.

They do tend to favour the person I am nc with I know that and that also hurts but I’ve had to accept that will never change either

Why are you involved then, when they treat you like shit?

It's not a case of do trust them/don't trust them. You can trust them with certain things and not others. I suspect your feelings about the nc person are clouding your relationship which isn't anyone's fault. If this support is necessary could you contact ss for an assesment? This person could move, become unwell, have other commitments so it's wise to make sure your support isn't something that could drop off suddenly.

Please stop trusting them.

They know EXACTLY what they are doing and are suiting themselves.

You are NOT their priority in this situation.

They sound despicable.

Repeatedly breaking your confidence is disgusting behaviour.

I'm so sorry, but stop trusting them at all.

There are 3 different strands:

1. Telling your private business; simplistically it rests with you to not share anything private. Is the difficulty because they are sharing information about your support or care needs, and they know that just by being around or is it something you can control?
2. Moving stuff is annoying, you'll just have to keep up the reminders and checks "before you go, can I check you left X in the lower cupboards I can reach please?". The trouble with people helping is that you are stuck with the annoyance of their erratic behaviours. I can only offer you sympathies, there isn't an easy fix.
3. This NC person. Imagine a world in which you don't actually have contact, so you don't know what they do or don't know about you. What does it matter? The reason you're upset is because you aren't fully no contact. So who else is passing on stories? Relative A the carer tells relative B the NC, B tells C with some exaggeration and bitching. Is it C who reports back to you? Or some other person D? Can you close down the chatter at poihts C and D so it stops affecting you? "B is a malicious fantasist who I'm no contact with. Whether and what A tells them I have no control over, but I don't want to hear the warped versions back from you please because it irritates me unnecessarily. Thank you."