Does wanting to separate from DC's father make me a bad mum?

[littlebylittleo]

When there's no abuse or anything horrible like that?

I feel like I don't want to be with DH anymore but I also don't want to break the family up. How do I stop feeling like this? 😔

I think you could argue it is healthy to follow your happiness and to teach children to do the same. Children deserve happy parents and if you would be happier single then I say, go for it. Just be sure that you are leaving for the right reasons, like that you are sure you cannot be happy with him anymore.

@Pinkbonbon

I think you could argue it is healthy to follow your happiness and to teach children to do the same. Children deserve happy parents and if you would be happier single then I say, go for it. Just be sure that you are leaving for the right reasons, like that you are sure you cannot be happy with him anymore.

I think you're right, but sometimes it feels hard to know whether it would be for the right reasons as it just feels like I'm being selfish. Although really, lying to myself and DH about my feelings wouldn't be right either. I wish I didn't feel like this tbh. Trying to change it but not having much success.

@littlebylittleo, thinking about it doesn’t make you a bad mum, but please think really carefully - not to say you shouldn’t split up but it is a massive decision for you and your children. All marriages have their ups and downs and you need to be as certain as possible that your marriage can’t recover, because there is evidence that marriage is good for children eg it is linked to better mental health in teens marriagefoundation.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/MF-brief-Marriage-as-a-social-justice-issue.pdf

Counselling to work through your feelings? It’s probably impossible to change them alone if you can’t understand them first.

My mum and dad where happily married and I still had issues as a teen, so the statistics that children are better off in 'happy, married homes' is bollocks. That's just my opinion however.

It's how you bring up your children that matters, whether your single or not....if you bring your children up properly, teaching them right and wrong ect they will be fine. It's how you handle the situation after the break up/divorce that matters too...

I feel like I'm trying to force feelings a lot of the time and I can feel myself being irritable and short tempered a lot. I sort of don't like who I am in this relationship anymore.

But I know this is a huge decision and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to do it.

Of course it doesn't make you a bad mum. Children thrive in happy, stable homes where there isn't much conflict. If you're not in love with him then it's bound to lead to conflict. You won't be happy, he will irritate you, you'll resent sleeping with him etc.

I actually think you would be setting a good example to your dc by showing them that no one has to stay in an unhappy relationship. You can co-parent amicably, especially if you don't really hate each other.

I feel like I'm trying to force feelings a lot of the time and I can feel myself being irritable and short tempered a lot. I sort of don't like who I am in this relationship anymore.

Can you pinpoint why? Are you listened to, are there stresses that are intrinsic to the relationship or stresses that are circumstantial and could be changed?

I’d go for individual counselling to figure out what was going on, because an objective outsider can offer better insight to us than we can get alone (because of guilt, fear etc) and that makes the path clearer.

I posted something similar not long ago. We've now split and it's the hugest relief, happy parents make happy homes.

I'd really recommend some counselling or therapy if you can afford it. Of course children have been unhappy in two parent families and happy in post-divorce, but it's clearly desirable to keep a family together if you can, especially as you don't really seem sure as to what it is that's making you unhappy

But to answer the question in your OP - no, it doesn’t make you a bad mum. Of course it doesn’t!

Being a good parent is a separate relationship and set of actions and priorities to being a wife/partner. They interact with each other, of course, but in fact you have an urgent moral duty to be the best parent you can be to your child, and if that means not being in an intimate relationship with their father because it is making you miserable then it’s not being ‘a good mum’ to stay.

Amicable co-parenting is possible. Children are best served by a supportive atmosphere of growth. That doesn’t have to be with parents living together but it is important their parents put them first - so if you separate considering things like where you’d all live, access arrangements etc.

I don't feel like I love him in the right way anymore. I've drifted from him so much since having a child and I think it's partly my own fault as I've thrown myself into being a mum and found it hard to be a good mum and a good wife. He also didn't particularly pull his weight, I don't think, which didn't help.
I don't feel attraction to him, I find myself getting irritated by his mannerisms etc and tbh that was always there to some extent but I'd found it easier to distract myself from those thoughts. It feels a bit like kissing my brother now. And I know that side of things is important in a marriage but that makes it seem like a duty rather than something I want to do. I feel like I'd be happier being his friend but obviously that's only from my side!
Ultimately I feel like I don't have good enough "reasons" to want to separate. I'm trying really hard to work on it to change how I feel.

Nothing kills love after having children than a partner who isn't a partner and doesn't pull their weight.

Resentment kills love so quickly.
It kills any romance in a relationship dead.

You are not a bad mother to not want to remain with a man who wasn't a good father or husband.

He chose not to help.
He chose what was easiest for HIM.

NOW you are choosing what YOU want.

Actions have consequences.

It happens ALL the time.

A friend of mine has a much younger brother, a late surprise pregnancy by her mother years ago.

He is 40.
He has always been the pet of the family.
He has just had his second child and the family had gathered together recently for lunch.

My friend told me that she saw an interaction between him and his lovely wife during the day when he wasn't helping her and she gave him a couple of really filthy looks.

My friend said she really felt she was witnessing the beginning of the end of the marriage.

She loves her little brother and she decided to pull him aside a week later, privately, and tell him what she saw and thinks.

She basically said that I would be prepared to bet money now that you won't be married in 5 years after what I saw.

If you don't pull your finger out and step up NOW, the way she is looking at you, your marriage will be fully dead.

She was really explicit about the look she saw and explained to him how damaging his behaviour is and how final the outcome will be.

She advised him to think hard about if he really wanted to be married, because the look she saw made her think he may not have a choice in the matter in the not too distant future.

He was a bit prickly at first but he knows my pal really cares about him and was just wanting to give him the heads up, out of love.

Time will tell if he steps up.

I think it's partly my own fault as I've thrown myself into being a mum and found it hard to be a good mum and a good wife. He also didn't particularly pull his weight, I don't think, which didn't help.

What is this “good wife” of which you speak? Is he a “good husband”?

Please don’t take any blame whatsoever about “thriving yourself into being a mum” - babies are all-consuming, nature designed them that way. It’s not you.

Ultimately you can’t fix these feelings by yourself. A lot of relationship founder after a baby, because the baby is all-consuming, because it’s such a physical thing for the woman, because blokes to a large extent just don’t understand because it doesn’t affect them that way (biology!)

Attraction wanes. You feel ‘touched out’ and nature is working towards stopping you feeling desire so you don’t procreate again too soon. Add a man not pulling his weight, bone tiredness (especially if you’re doing all the nights etc) and the resentment that brings.

The only way through is to be really honest with each other, to have a mutual care and understanding and trust in each other that you can say ‘I’m not feeling any desire because I’m tired and stressed but I want to fix it. I need you to do X, Y, Z to help me’

To do that you need to know what X, Y and Z are though. You need to have honest conversations about sex, desire, household responsibilities, sleep etc etc.

You can’t do it alone, you can’t fix the feelings alone. If you can’t talk to him about it you need to figure out why not, and what that means.

I personally think that there are more “messed up” kids coming from bad marriages then from divorced ones, I myself come from one and I know many others. You did not marry your husband for your kids, did you, you married him because you loved him and wanted to share your life with him. Turns out your relationship ran its course, and you want to end it and so you should. Please remember, wanting to end a relationship IS a reason to end it. While, like most of the posters, I do not think that your husband is innocent in all this and that there are no other reasons you are unhappy, I repeat, the fact that you want to leave because you are not happy, is good enough reason. You owe it to yourself to make the best of your life and so you should. Good luck op.

Thank you for your kind responses!
What's annoying is that DH has only just started to step up more, almost 18 months after I first told him I was unhappy.. The fact that it's taken so long and he's doing it now when I feel like I've already emotionally checked out of the relationship just irritates me tbh.
He's not completely useless or anything and isn't a bad person but I felt like a lot of the time he could have done more.
That aside, I do feel like the relationship has run it's course, and to stay in it I'd have to not be "me".
If I do decide to leave I know that it would be without a doubt the hardest thing I'll ever do, and sometimes I don't feel like I'm strong enough.

Hi OP, just to say, I could have written your posts I relate to them so much. I was in your situation and finally couldn't take anymore, and in October last year just blurted out that I wanted out. In my relationship I've always done all the heavy lifting, mentally and emotionally, but I didn't really realise that until kids came along, and then I was doing the physical lifting too. I enabled him to cruise along, but he ignored my pleas for help too, as he knew I'd just cope. He didn't expect me to act on my feelings, which had been expressed several times. So my announcement last October was a complete shock to him. We have two dc, 2 and 4,so they're only babies, but thankfully they're not so aware of what's happening. Also the first couple of months were awful, as he came to terms with my decision. He had to move out to his brothers and on the times when we "chatted" I literally just sat listening to him ranting. But it has settled now, he is emotionally in a better place, we're civil and are both 100% committed to putting our kids first and keeping them our priority. And truthfully I worried so many times that I'd made the wrong decision, I had counselling, and actually I realised how this was definitely the right decision. I am happier sometimes, but it's very stressful financially and logistically. It will get easier though. So in a really long winded way what I'm saying is that there was nothing abusive or toxic in my relationship, but it wasn't the right fit for me, and trying to suppress those thoughts led to a grenade in my relationship (that, and the fact that he wasn't hearing me anyhow). Try to speak to your partner about how your feeling, express what it is you want and need, and seek counselling for an outside perspective. If you decide to continue, great, and if not, that's fine. Your kids will take cues from you, and ultimately you have to be happy to be the best mum.

@Mummsnett

Hi OP, just to say, I could have written your posts I relate to them so much. I was in your situation and finally couldn't take anymore, and in October last year just blurted out that I wanted out. In my relationship I've always done all the heavy lifting, mentally and emotionally, but I didn't really realise that until kids came along, and then I was doing the physical lifting too. I enabled him to cruise along, but he ignored my pleas for help too, as he knew I'd just cope. He didn't expect me to act on my feelings, which had been expressed several times. So my announcement last October was a complete shock to him. We have two dc, 2 and 4,so they're only babies, but thankfully they're not so aware of what's happening. Also the first couple of months were awful, as he came to terms with my decision. He had to move out to his brothers and on the times when we "chatted" I literally just sat listening to him ranting. But it has settled now, he is emotionally in a better place, we're civil and are both 100% committed to putting our kids first and keeping them our priority. And truthfully I worried so many times that I'd made the wrong decision, I had counselling, and actually I realised how this was definitely the right decision. I am happier sometimes, but it's very stressful financially and logistically. It will get easier though. So in a really long winded way what I'm saying is that there was nothing abusive or toxic in my relationship, but it wasn't the right fit for me, and trying to suppress those thoughts led to a grenade in my relationship (that, and the fact that he wasn't hearing me anyhow). Try to speak to your partner about how your feeling, express what it is you want and need, and seek counselling for an outside perspective. If you decide to continue, great, and if not, that's fine. Your kids will take cues from you, and ultimately you have to be happy to be the best mum.

Thank you! I definitely know that I'm the best mum when I'm the happiest. And pretending to be happy or forcing something, I'm finding, is not sustainable. Thank you for sharing your story! It really helps to know that other people have been in similar situations. Best of luck with the next steps!