Trigger warning: Was this CSA?

[FairyLightPups]

When I was little I lived in a caravan - it was a static but all one room rather than separated off. My mum's bed was by the big window and my sibling and I had bunk beds. There was a curtain separating the two rooms (my mum's bed was also the sofa). We moved there when I was 3 and left when I was 7.

My mum used to have quite loud sex in her bed with various men very shortly after putting my sibling and I to bed. I took ages to fall asleep and I would always hear it. I also slept in the top bunk and could see over the curtain

Thankfully after 7 we moved to a flat and we had separate rooms although she often still had loud sex in her own bedroom and left toys out etc.

Another thread made me think about this as when I lived in the caravan, we lived somewhere that other families lived too, and when I was 5ish another child and I who were roughly the same age used to imitate sex. I've never ever told someone this before and I've always felt very ashamed of it. I suppose it might be linked to what I saw growing up but I've always felt uncomfortable saying that I experienced CSA.

Any thoughts? Is this CSA? Someone posted the traffic light link on another thread and it looks like maybe it was but that's such a scary thing to think aboout.

Hi, I'm sorry I don't have any advice re. this but wanted to bump it for you so hopefully others can help.

Do you feel your mum did this intentionally? Not that it matters as it must have been so uncomfortable and scary for you at such a young age I'm asking as if it was intentional vs pure neglect it might help you work out what sort of help you need to process this and if you should report it to the police. Have you spoken to a therapist? If not I really suggest you do.

Do you have a link to the traffic light system you mentioned? I've never heard of it but I try to read whatever I can as I have children and am a 'survivor' myself.

@ThistlesAndUnicorns

Hi, I'm sorry I don't have any advice re. this but wanted to bump it for you so hopefully others can help.

Do you feel your mum did this intentionally? Not that it matters as it must have been so uncomfortable and scary for you at such a young age I'm asking as if it was intentional vs pure neglect it might help you work out what sort of help you need to process this and if you should report it to the police. Have you spoken to a therapist? If not I really suggest you do.

Do you have a link to the traffic light system you mentioned? I've never heard of it but I try to read whatever I can as I have children and am a 'survivor' myself.

To be honest she was often drunk so I'm not sure if it was intentional in the sense that she thought it through properly, if that makes sense. I think if she did any thinking it probably would have been, 'Ah they're small kids, they won't remember it, it doesn't matter', but I feel like it's had a huge impact on me.

Yes I def need to get some therapy. Currently looking for one anyway but I will bring this up.

This is the traffic light sheet: www.enhertsccg.nhs.uk/sites/default/files/Sexual-Behaviours-Traffic-Light-Tool.pdf

Hi there,

I'm so sorry, it sounds like there were a lot of complicated experiences growing up for you. I definitely think a therapist would help you untangle those, how they impacted you then and now.

If I heard or observed a child having these experiences now, I would raise a safeguarding alert. If I observed those play activities between children I would raise a safeguarding alert. It sounds like your mum wasn't able to think about your emotional experiences or needs well through that period of your life.

Whether or not we should label this as CSA is a bit of a red herring. Stepping back from the label, seeing and hearing sex at the age of 5 in this way is wrong, whether it is your mother or being exposed to pornography or whatever, it is harmful to your development. It may have been passive, not active, but once you step back from getting caught in the labels, this was deeply problematic for you.

WRT activity with the other child, possibly you were both enacting (and attempting to process through play) the difficult things you were each (separately and differently) experiencing. In this way it is likely a secondary trauma resulting from the primary trauma at home, adding another level of complexity to work through.

I'm really sorry you experienced all this. Do give it the space and attention required to process it through therapy. You will feel worse first, but eventually you will feel better. Very best wishes.