What am I doing wrong with online dating?!

Elizaeliza · 2022-04-06T22:06:33+00:00

So I’ve been single for 3 years after a divorce and decided to take the plunge and try dating. I’ve joined 2 sites and have matched with a few men but not one of them has messaged me back. It’s destroying what little confidence I have. Any hints or tips as to how to get a conversation going?

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 06/04/2022 23:10

I've not online dated for years but it can be awful. Have you ever thought about speed dating? I've always thought that sounds good fun and you obviously meet people face to face to gauge chemistry without feeling you must stay for a full meal

MaryAndHerNet · 06/04/2022 23:19

The first mistake you made was joining online dating....

But, now you have, you have to remember it is all a numbers game..
Of you're new, you might think that the best thing to do is read the profiles, look at the pictures, um and ah and think should you message or not... You might take hours over your profile and fill it all out in detail and add the best photos you can or have real good photos done, put tons of effort in...

Yeah, don't...

The best results are scatter gun method.
If they look remotely ok in a picture, swipe right. Out of 100 swipes or.messages, you might get between 1 and 10 replies.

Most will end up with a chat like:
"Hi, how are you? I've had a busy day today, what about you?"
"Hi, ok thanks, not.much"

At which point you'll feel obliged to really make an effort to chat...
Don't. If they're not forthcoming and it doesn't flow easy, drop them asap.

Above all else, thick skin needed... It's all bollocks and everyone lies and everyone fakes... Assume that and take nothing seriously. Eventually you might meet one or two that are genuine and decent, but it's not easy..

And this has been your unasked for guide to the shitty world of online dating.. 🤪

Jibbajabba1 · 06/04/2022 23:21

Try not to take it personally (easy to say, I know!) - it’s not a judgement of you, they don’t know you 💐

When I tried it, it felt like a really contrived and artificial way of interacting, especially to begin with. You’ll get the hang of it, just be yourself! Maybe try a light, humorous tone? What kind of openers have you tried and how many messages?

Jibbajabba1 · 06/04/2022 23:25

Mayandhernet is spot on, don’t take it seriously - try and enjoy the process, find the humour, you’ll meet lots of very strange people - but just remember, you’ll have lots of funny anecdotes to tell share with your friends - and maybe just maybe you’ll meet one or two decent ones 🌞

hmmmmreally · 06/04/2022 23:29

Ahhhh you know, online dating is pretty much like going out for a night out.
In reality how many people would you actually match up with on a night out with
Unfortunately people are very fickle
Don't invest, and meet up super quickly
There are people out there,
Sometimes it just takes time to find your people

Original poster

Elizaeliza · 06/04/2022 23:31

I think I’m a bit intimidated by it all! I don’t really know what I’m doing. I definitely need to not take it personally when no one replies time. Just feel a bit crap about myself generally so maybe this isn’t the right time for me ti start dating. Thanks for replies it has helped me feel less crap!

OP posts:

lothermand · 06/04/2022 23:46

OP, it's a minefield, however, many many people have found a relationship through online dating.

Like PP have said, don't take it seriously (like the bloke you meet in the pub) people lie (like the bloke you meet in the pub)

The difference with the bloke in the pub, is that you actually see him, but he can still piss you about!

First rule after a few messages..arrange to meet asap..do NOT get into constant messaging and phone calls, you can build up an emotional connection before you meet, and that quite often goes tits up in person

You will probably kiss a few frogs..but at some point there'll be a lily pad with with one on that you'll actually want to snog

Enjoy the adventures..if nothing else its stories to entertain your friends with

supercali77 · 06/04/2022 23:51

Theres a great and long running dating thread on here.

Also my advice. Match but don't bother sending the first message, its a waste of time. Its a known thing that men swipe right on everyone and then message who they are interested in. Women only match those they are interested in. So save yourself some energy !

Musttryharder2021 · 07/04/2022 02:51

How old are you? Do you have children?

OLD is good for casual relationships but trying to find something meaningful and escalate it to marriage/children is a tall order. As long as you aren't looking for anything serious you should be ok, otherwise for most people it is a soul destroying experience.

Derelicthome · 07/04/2022 04:32

Things that helped me -
Only contact those who contact you first.
Be specific in your profile about what kind of guy you like.
Make sure there is nothing negative in your profile.
Good luck!

Watchkeys · 07/04/2022 07:02

You'll feel a lot less crap if you stop coming at things from a 'What am I doing wrong?' perspective.

I was told, usefully 'The only thing wrong with you is that you think there's something wrong with you.' If you scratch that thought from your existence, you'll have to come up with something else for why you've got no replies, and there's plenty of other options available. One is the one you fear: perhaps there's nobody online who fancies you right now. But think about it: What if there's actually nobody online? What if everybody online isn't someone you'd want to be with? What if it's like you've walked into a club full of undesirables? Do you want them pouncing on you at the first available opportunity?

If you're looking for a relationship, you only need Mr Perfect to reply, and that would save you a lot of hassle. Getting loads of replies from loads of people is just a bunch of dross, and a load of work for you, in filtering them. Don't wish for it.

I joined 3 sites. Barely anybody made contact for almost a year, and when my subscription was just about to run out, I had a last look. I sent one message to one person. And that's my person!

You don't need loads of replies.

CoverYourselfInChocolateGlory · 07/04/2022 07:36

Yes, online dating can be brutal. You need to develop a very thick skin and not take it personally. People are on there for all sorts of reasons with all sorts of personal stuff going on. I did OLD before I met DH - had some nice dates and one extremely fun fling but also interacted with some very strange people, and some incredibly rude, bordering on abusive people. It's a weird place.

Eesha · 07/04/2022 07:45

Join the dating thread here as it's really supportive.

Dating Thread 226: Springing into Spring

Meet sooner rather than later, say within a week. Use video calls/phone calls to avoid wasting your time. Unless you have tons of free time, filter carefully at the start. I've probably been on just 15 dates in 4 years as I'm limited by childcare but I avoided those that drank loads or who didn't regularly communicate/one word answering people.

Good luck.

SimMorris · 07/04/2022 07:47

This reply has been deleted

This post has been hidden until the MNHQ team can have a look at it.

Original poster

Elizaeliza · 07/04/2022 09:04

Thanks for all the advice. I’ll persevere a bit longer and see how it goes.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 07/04/2022 09:11

@Elizaeliza

Thanks for all the advice. I’ll persevere a bit longer and see how it goes.

It's meant to be fun, not an excruciating endeavour. Log on every day, send messages to anybody you like, and then go and get on with your life, doing the other things you love and that fulfill you.

Don't log on, send messages, and then ruin the rest of your day worrying about it. These people are complete strangers; why do their responses get to dictate the state of your self esteem?

TheHoleNineYards · 07/04/2022 09:16

Yeah. It’s a numbers game. Swipe on anyone who looks vaguely interesting, don’t overthink it.

When you’ve got a chunk of time, send messages to 5-10 of them, include questions in your opening messages and at least the next four or five (to get a conversation going). Once you’re into a conversation with someone, suggest meeting within the first few days of chatting. There’s no point chatting for weeks just to realise you don’t fancy them.

mewkins · 07/04/2022 09:17

@MaryAndHerNet

The first mistake you made was joining online dating....

But, now you have, you have to remember it is all a numbers game..
Of you're new, you might think that the best thing to do is read the profiles, look at the pictures, um and ah and think should you message or not... You might take hours over your profile and fill it all out in detail and add the best photos you can or have real good photos done, put tons of effort in...

Yeah, don't...

The best results are scatter gun method.
If they look remotely ok in a picture, swipe right. Out of 100 swipes or.messages, you might get between 1 and 10 replies.

Most will end up with a chat like:
"Hi, how are you? I've had a busy day today, what about you?"
"Hi, ok thanks, not.much"

At which point you'll feel obliged to really make an effort to chat...
Don't. If they're not forthcoming and it doesn't flow easy, drop them asap.

Above all else, thick skin needed... It's all bollocks and everyone lies and everyone fakes... Assume that and take nothing seriously. Eventually you might meet one or two that are genuine and decent, but it's not easy..

And this has been your unasked for guide to the shitty world of online dating.. 🤪

This is good advice. Treat it as a swiping game. Don't agonise over whether they would be right for you (leave that until the messaging stage).

ArabellaRockerfella · 07/04/2022 10:47

I feel the same OP. I'm on 3 sites for 2yrs now and not even a hint of a match :(
My friends say I'm being too fussy, but I think I'm just being clear in what I think would be a good match for me.

Original poster

Elizaeliza · 07/04/2022 12:02

Is it meant to be fun?!
I’m not finding it fun at the moment

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 07/04/2022 13:09

Don't put yourself through it if it's not fun. Don't put yourself through anything that you don't absolutely have to, if it's not fun.

What do you do that is fun? Do that more. Then your life will be, logically, more fun filled.

How do you think it's meant to feel, finding a relationship? It's supposed to be about meeting someone who makes you feel great, because you want to feel great. What's the point of making yourself feel rubbish in order to make yourself feel great?