Sorry, just needed a virtual hand hold, or not, not sure!
I have posted before, I just don’t know whether I’m making excuses and being crap. I didn’t think I was, but I guess I could do more.
Looking for work, and just had a successful interview for a very part time job. But it’s a start right? I didn’t tell Dp I was going as in the past if I get part time work he gets cross.. He tells me it’s a waste of time and I need full time work. I’m looking, and I’d love s full time job. Last time I was offered a job like this ( part time but using my skills and passion) he yelled so much I didn’t take it. That was a few years ago though.
We have had a few tough years and he is doing amazingly to get a new job that he hates. He wants me to get a full time job, so do I. I just think that it’s difficult after so many years out to walk into a full time proper career job. I am competing with younger people ( I’m 50). I think I should take whatever comes along, and keep looking.
I jus got in all pleased and He was all huffy and puffy and asked what the annual wage was, etc. i felt like a naughty kid. My thoughts were, , it uses my skills, it’s training and it will lead onto other opportunities. It’s not well paid, and it is a way away, but it a start to get my confidence up while I keep looking.
I now I feel stupid and rubbish again. I know I need full time work, I know he is stressed at being the sole wage earner. everything I try seems to come to nothing. I feel so stupid. And anxious and stupid.
If he’d said, well done, it’s a start I’d be all energised and looking at job sites. Now I feel deflated and useless.
Sorry. Will keep looking. Am doing various courses too. One on a Saturday morning and he always looks displeased. Last week it was because he wanted to buy something for the house. He could go on his own.
I think it’s often that if I try a course he makes it tricky somehow. What’s annoying me, is he doesn’t remember the past as I do, and somehow I’m the failure for not achieving anything. Trying to fill orders on Etsy he comes in and tells me it’s a waste of time. That made me feel rubbish. So now I don’t know what I’m doing, except of course looking for a full time job. I also don’t know if this is right - I can’t see my mum till I get work. He sees me as swanning around, and nothing I try works. I see me as scruffy and stuck. I’m sure I’ve painted him in a bad light, and I should have got work before now. I just feel such a failure, and yet I know I’m very talented in some areas that could make money - but they’d be freelance, so I’m a bit nervous to try, as they aren’t a proper job. Sorry, not a literary masterpiece. I’m just tired of feeling depressed and anxious and obviously he’s pissed off at working. Ok, back to the job sites!