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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Confused again!

20 replies

Cleanbedlinen12 · 06/04/2022 15:05

Sorry, just needed a virtual hand hold, or not, not sure!
I have posted before, I just don’t know whether I’m making excuses and being crap. I didn’t think I was, but I guess I could do more.
Looking for work, and just had a successful interview for a very part time job. But it’s a start right? I didn’t tell Dp I was going as in the past if I get part time work he gets cross.. He tells me it’s a waste of time and I need full time work. I’m looking, and I’d love s full time job. Last time I was offered a job like this ( part time but using my skills and passion) he yelled so much I didn’t take it. That was a few years ago though.
We have had a few tough years and he is doing amazingly to get a new job that he hates. He wants me to get a full time job, so do I. I just think that it’s difficult after so many years out to walk into a full time proper career job. I am competing with younger people ( I’m 50). I think I should take whatever comes along, and keep looking.
I jus got in all pleased and He was all huffy and puffy and asked what the annual wage was, etc. i felt like a naughty kid. My thoughts were, , it uses my skills, it’s training and it will lead onto other opportunities. It’s not well paid, and it is a way away, but it a start to get my confidence up while I keep looking.
I now I feel stupid and rubbish again. I know I need full time work, I know he is stressed at being the sole wage earner. everything I try seems to come to nothing. I feel so stupid. And anxious and stupid.
If he’d said, well done, it’s a start I’d be all energised and looking at job sites. Now I feel deflated and useless.
Sorry. Will keep looking. Am doing various courses too. One on a Saturday morning and he always looks displeased. Last week it was because he wanted to buy something for the house. He could go on his own.
I think it’s often that if I try a course he makes it tricky somehow. What’s annoying me, is he doesn’t remember the past as I do, and somehow I’m the failure for not achieving anything. Trying to fill orders on Etsy he comes in and tells me it’s a waste of time. That made me feel rubbish. So now I don’t know what I’m doing, except of course looking for a full time job. I also don’t know if this is right - I can’t see my mum till I get work. He sees me as swanning around, and nothing I try works. I see me as scruffy and stuck. I’m sure I’ve painted him in a bad light, and I should have got work before now. I just feel such a failure, and yet I know I’m very talented in some areas that could make money - but they’d be freelance, so I’m a bit nervous to try, as they aren’t a proper job. Sorry, not a literary masterpiece. I’m just tired of feeling depressed and anxious and obviously he’s pissed off at working. Ok, back to the job sites!

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 06/04/2022 15:15

Oh dear, he doesn't sound very nice.

Have you done the freedom programme yet?

Do you have children?

Tittyfilarious · 06/04/2022 15:16

@Cleanbedlinen12 Hello my lovely ,the way I see it from the outside is that a part time job right now is a good thing because firstly it earns some money and any extra income is a good thing and secondly it will help you get back into work and as you said build your confidence up . It will also be a stepping stone for if a full time job were to come up in the future so that's definitely a good thing . X

picklemewalnuts · 06/04/2022 15:19

And yes, I agree. A part time job will give you experiences and references and make it easier to get a full time job.

Also, do I remember your Etsy business was quite busy, or at least had potential to be if he didn't keep sabotaging it?

Cleanbedlinen12 · 07/04/2022 14:06

Thank you both! It’s sooo nice to hear from you. Yes re Etsy - but maybe I’m just making excuses and it is crap. Am really bugged though as I feel everything I’ve tried has been a struggle to do, and now everyone says, well why aren’t you working, and I can’t say , well I lost my confidence and direction because I got yelled at. Sounds pants even to me.
Anyway pickle-me walnuts I’ve only gone and joined the freedom programme. Ulp. Thanks for your friendly messages. X

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 07/04/2022 14:10

You poor thing. Are you saying that you're not allowed to see your mother until you have a job? Do you have children? Did you stop work to look after them?

What's your Etsy business? Is he out at work all day? If so can't you do that when he's out?

Start to think of your options. How would you like to live your life?

Lastly - sorry for all the questions! - are you two married?

gogohm · 07/04/2022 14:15

Have you applied for full time positions that are more realistic for someone who hasn't been in the workplace for a while though. You mentioned skills and passion but also that he's in a job he hates - he's probably worried about money. There are jobs available full time in most of the country eg retail, hospitality, care - they don't pay well but would be 40+ hours a week.

Saying you can't get a career type job full time is fair comment, it's hard I tried, but it's quite possible to get full time hours

GeneLovesJezebel · 07/04/2022 14:18

Losing confidence isn’t unusual in the peri menopause years. It’s a shame he’s not supporting you.
I wonder how different your life would be without him 🤔

picklemewalnuts · 07/04/2022 14:18

Well done, Bedlinen! I hope you find it helpful, to clear your mind at least.

A part time job is a big step up- the money you earn will be over and above what's coming in at the moment. It will help you prepare for an even better job, if that's what you want.

Cleanbedlinen12 · 07/04/2022 14:33

God, I feel really disloyal. Think I’ll cancel. Am overreacting as quite rightly I should be adding to the coffers. Sorry guys.

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 07/04/2022 14:42

He’s destroying your confidence. And he sounds controlling. You’re not allowed to see you mum?

I know he’s got pressure on his shoulders as the sole earner but surely he can see PT work is better than nothing? And why is he shitting all over your Etsy business and attempt to further your own skillset with courses?

Unless there’s more to it and we’re only getting a skewed half of a story, I’m not surprised your esteem is in your boots.

newbiename · 07/04/2022 14:55

@Cleanbedlinen12

God, I feel really disloyal. Think I’ll cancel. Am overreacting as quite rightly I should be adding to the coffers. Sorry guys.
Don't cancel your job. Part time money is better than no money and it could lead to more hours. Don't let him tell you what to do.
Lovewineandchocs · 07/04/2022 15:08

Take the part time job, ditch the partner. If not feasible right now, I'd certainly be making plans to do so. You are not 'disloyal' and if 'cancel' refers to the Freedom Programme, please don't!

2catsandhappy · 07/04/2022 17:13

I really hope you do not cancel anything. I am sure you have posted before. He cannot have it both ways. Moans you are not earning and moans when you try and update your cv.
Keep the job and keep looking.

HellToTheNope · 07/04/2022 17:16

Why haven't you told this controlling arsehole to fuck off yet? He doesn't own you, FFS.

Rememberitwell · 07/04/2022 17:17

So he’d rather you have no job than a part-time job?

Donkeyinamanger · 07/04/2022 17:25

It sounds like you are right where he wants you. Confused and scared of upsetting him. It doesn't matter what you do it will be wrong. You could get the perfect full time job and he'd find a reason to complain about it. If he actually wanted you to be working he would support you when you try. The freedom programme is a great idea. Ignore his moaning and take the job. You've done really well to get it, and it's a step towards being independent.

Cleanbedlinen12 · 08/04/2022 05:43

Thank you!
Yes I’ve posted before, I keep thinking I’m overreacting/ I’ve got it wrong, I can handle it. I thought I’d cancel the freedom programme as it feels like a whole massive scary disloyal overreacting thing to do. But then a lot of you advise it, and know more about this stuff than me. So, nervously going to try it. And I don’t like the way he can talk to me. And how I thought he was reaching for my hand, but no, it was to take the car keys. I’m not the one whose crashed sonny! Actually it’s endless ‘don’t do that’ and ‘no’ to every suggestion. It does sort of stop you trying after a bit. What’s the point?
I am definitely taking this job if I get it. Thanks for the advise. He said ‘it’s funny that the only job You get close to is one Youd enjoy. You’re not trying. You need a full time job, you’d better be prepared to work in tescos’. So he sees it as me deliberately not trying to get work unless I enjoy it. whereas I see it as I suit the role. I’ve also looked at tescos and previously he hasn’t liked the idea.
I’m starting Etsy again. It’s definitely a mental battle as now I am a bit nervous to do it in case of disapproval. So I’ve missed Easter. Doh. But yes, life is passing me by and although I am talented in one thing that I love, I’m spending too much time squashing it down, and not getting better at it , or even earning from it! And it’s exhausting squashing it down.
He does work hard in a very difficult job. He’s Definitely not got it easy.
Thanks for listening!

OP posts:
Cleanbedlinen12 · 09/04/2022 10:44

Ffs. Told him I’m in a course 10 - 12 and he’s just come in, asked why I haven’t bought something for Monday and tutted and acted disgusted.
Now I can’t focus, again, and feel guilty and bad. I have done the research and can’t buy it till Monday anyway.
Maybe you are right

OP posts:
Hausa · 09/04/2022 16:33

Are you happy in this relationship? If not, why are you in it?

I’m not going to tell you how awful he is and that you deserve better. You know these things, and previous posters have throughly dissected the situation for you. So, let’s just focus on those two questions.

Cleanbedlinen12 · 09/04/2022 23:13

Thanks Hausa. Good question.

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