I flirted with the idea of posting this in AIBU, but I'm recovering from Covid currently and I'm not sure I have the mental armour required!
Background: Was with someone and then married for 15 years altogether and it came to a sudden halt (details under another username) when he met a horrible cliche and waltzed off with a co-worker.
Some years on and I'm happily with a marvellous man who lives with me and the high-energy sprogs I spawned with the ex.
He's a little younger, never been married, no kids, no intention of having any. He earns nearly 20k more than me (at the moment, though I'm waiting to hear back from two jobs, one of which will put me at parity, the other will bring me within 5k of him).
We're currently buying a (rather expensive) house, just because of the area and the fact we need it to be big enough for all four of us. I am putting up 170k deposit and we're splitting the stamp duty etc and will divide the mortgage costs equally. We're getting deed of trust drawn up to reflect these things as we're both very practical and cautious, despite hoping we'll be together for ever.
Situation: At Christmas we had a very pragmatic 'engagement' - no ring, I kind of proposed to him (though I suspect he's planning on a ring and a bit more of a 'story' when life is less frantic) because despite EvilEx, I'm still a romantic at heart and want to be married to him because I adore him.
There are also some potential health issues, so automatic next of kin would be welcome, plus various inheritance stuff etc (though - of course - I hope neither of these are necessary!)
The sprogs are also ND and struggle with not having a label for partner, so being able to refer to him as stepdad would make them feel a lot more settled - a minor consideration, but just generally making all the stuff to do with them easier as he takes on a bigger role in their lives (we've gone very very slowly on this).
We haven't told anybody, however. I'm trying to keep changes to a minimum for the kids and feel that new house and school is enough to worry about for now.
Issue: the horrible, nasty, catastrophising practical part of me is worried about getting married. Will I look silly doing all this again? What if it all goes wrong again. I feel like bastardising Oscar Wilde's quote about 'losing one parent is unfortunate, but to lose two begins to look like carelessness' and applying it to marriage.
Plus, will I be putting my assets at risk bearing in mind I'm putting 170k more into the house than him and, presumably, the marriage would invalidate the deed of trust?
Pre-nups are still not valid, are they? (He'd absolutely sign one if he was asked - he knows I need to protect the kids and my ability to house them etc).
Basically a whole mish-mash of thoughts, concerns and feelings, which I have discussed with him, yes, though obviously I tried to bear his feelings in mind as I did.
So - give it to me straight, Vipers - what should I actually be concerned about and is there a way to address it?