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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What do you think he wants with me? Advice?

22 replies

cogneuroscience95 · 06/04/2022 10:29

This guy messaged me first quite a few times before I had responded on Instagram. I then realised it was a few months and I hadn’t responded so I messaged him. We spoke for probably a whole month before the meeting. He has offered breakfast/study dates before too. We ended up going out for dinner. Had very good chats, seems like a really lovely guy and nothing sexual. This was a year ago.

Some cute messages to each other, like him sending me photos of what he does for work and him telling me that he often thinks about me. He told me he was a bit nervous before picking me up. He picked me up from my house and before he got to mine, he texted me saying would I like him to meet my parents or just pick me up. He paid for dinner and it went really well in terms of chats, felt like a really caring and respectful guy, talked about family and all those nice things. One thing is that he takes great interest in my life and wants to make things easier for me (or so it feels at times), for example wanting to help me out with studying etc.

He dropped me home and did not indicate anything about going back to his which was good. He asked if I would like to do this again and I said yes. When we got back to my house to drop me home, my mother was just coming home and he waited and said hello to her. He then said she was lovely. I could tell he wanted to kiss as he sort of just kept looking at me, I said something and then we kissed. He messaged me a few hours later thanking me, kept in on and off-contact for the week, he told me he was tired but good. He asked about my plans for the weekend and I did the same, he is very busy and works in the medical field. He hasn’t mentioned anything about catching up again. He asked about a job interview over the weekend and I didn’t respond till about 5 days later.

In one of our messages, I sort of implied that I wasn’t sure when I would be seeing him next and he sent a sweet message saying he hopes to get to know me better and see where things go. That he was busy but should have more time once exams are finished and that he does want to see me again. I told him I supported him and that I don’t expect him to keep in contact.

He initiates a lot and has initiated predominately. He’ll message, we’ll talk for a bit and then maybe I won’t respond if it doesn’t require a response and then he’ll send a follow-up message asking about something. He asked about studying together. I suggested we should go to the beach/study together. He asked me a few other questions, asking where the apartment is etc as I’m probably buying one soon. He’s currently in quarantine and we’ve been messaging a fair bit, him following up if I don’t respond etc. He told me about some job offers he took, asking what we want to do when we catch up. Today, he asked me about what I’m looking for (to clarify) as he has to move away which is about 2 hours away with a sad face. Told him I want to see where things go and that I do like him, he agreed to talk in person. Then asked if I’m looking for someone casual at all, perhaps asked me this as a while back when we were talking, I said I probably didn’t have the capacity for anything serious but would be open to it. He questioned at the time and said ‘I thought you were looking for something serious?’ I said not pursuing something casual but the same for a relationship. He agreed that we should talk about this and see how/where things go. I told him I liked him as I feel like I've poorly expressed it.

The other night I was frustrated and sent him a text saying that he had a chance to see me after my exams but nothing happened. That I would always be understanding of how busy he is but don’t f* me around. That if he has no intentions of seeing me, then stop with the teasing. I sort of accused him that he would be out of quarantine by now. He replied a bit abruptly saying that he’s only out today and that he was going to ask to see me once he was out but didn’t want to double message and seem needy (when I look back at my messages, he’s doubled messaged a lot). He said I was slightly harsh about the quarantine comment. I apologised and stated I didn't know exactly when it finished for him. I finally asked him if he’ll be free soon to have a chat about where things are going and he said he’ll be free and that we should talk. He took a while to respond to that message. I suggested I just come over to his. Random and maybe doesn’t mean anything, but I’ve noticed he’s started using ‘we’ or ‘us’ more. I told him I've missed him since I last saw him but he didn't say anything to that comment. He also didn't return the 'I like you' when he asked what I'm looking for. I simply asked him if he’ll be free as I think it would be good to have the talk/clear the air and he just said that he will be and that we should talk. I said to him that I understand about him going back into life after quarantine and willing to give him space but let me know when suits as I didn’t think doing this over text is the right way. He only liked some last message when I apologised for being so late. He never responded. Then 2 days later, I basically tell him that I cannot shake my concerns and I’m worried his communication is going to hinder something serious. I told him I didn’t see the reason to participate in this any further really and wished him the best about moving away and unfollowed him. I told him that it dispirited me when I opened up about how I felt and didn’t get anything in return and that if he had been sending me the messages I have sent, I would drop everything and see him but I don’t think he is. That was a few months ago.

Fast forward, he said to me recently that he can't promise more time than what he can give (not going to specify his job) - again, I wasn't asking for anything but he asked me again a few weeks ago what I was looking for. As after our first date, something came up as we sort of had an argument and I said I didn't have the capacity for a relationship. He said he wanted to get to know me and see where things go and that I wasn't someone he would just keep around in his orbit.

He often says about coming down to see him and staying with him where his new job is which I think will be ending somewhat soon.

Anyway, lately we've been quite sexual with each other over message/snapchat; has been fun but I'm a bit concerned. There's an act that he wants me to do to him that he's never asked anyone else. The other night he messaged me saying he was at a party and wanted me to come and be with him. He said he would invite me to another one soon. He mentioned that he slept with someone, didn't finish and that he was thinking about me the whole time. He asked if I would be annoyed that he slept with someone. He called me 'baby' for the first time recently too. Something came up and he told me he trusts me as a person (I assume) and that I'm respectful. Sometimes, he'll just send a short 'hey' message. But he can be very sweet, and I do feel there is that between us; for example, he apologised for falling asleep one night and hoped I slept well.

I told him I was seeing someone very briefly for a few weeks a few months ago and he was quite inquisitive of who it was. Seemed a bit jealous and that if this guy and I weren't exclusive, we should grab a drink when he's in town next.

We've had a few issues with communication and he's admitted that he's better in person - not in terms of texting me enough, just more serious matters.

The other day after I hadn’t responded to something on Instagram, he messaged me on Snapchat with just ‘hey’ and I got quite annoyed and asked why he was messaging me there. He said ‘talk to me, tell me what’s wrong’. I told him what I didn’t like and then he apologised. I asked what does he want from me essentially and he said he wants to see me.

TL;DR lately have been quite sexual and unsure what he truly wants - despite him often asking what I want. He will often, almost always initiate communication with me even if it's something short and then proceeds to ask about me/my day. Asked me why I was stressed about something recently. He would often suggest coffee/study dates. Often I do not respond to his messages and he would send another one.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 06/04/2022 10:37

You've had one date.

Do you have other irons in the fire? I'm guessing you do because you don't always bother to respond to this one.

Stop trying to work out what he's thinking (it's a question that cannot be answered) and look at what he does. Or in this case doesn't do, which is see you in person very often.

Answer messages or not, as the mood takes you - it's OK to have the equivalent of a pen pal - but look for RL relationships with people who want nto meet you in RL

Aprilx · 06/04/2022 10:39

I couldn’t read all that, a load of narrative over nothing much. The main thing that stood out to me is that you should stop wasting each other’s time. This, whatever this is, is going nowhere, if it was going to, it would have by now.

cogneuroscience95 · 06/04/2022 10:39

@AuntieStella thank you. Think I am just pulling back until he actually suggests something concrete. I do feel though I did curb him quite a lot last year when he was asking to see me, but then he did the same to me almost at one point or so it felt. But he claimed I had a go at him about quarantine, that was the excuse he had at least.

OP posts:
Fuckitsstillraining · 06/04/2022 11:08

Wow, I read most long posts but this one beat me. Any chance of condensing down into some thing understandable, I really couldn't make heads or tails from it.

Thingsdogetbetter · 06/04/2022 11:51

I too am confused. You had a dinner date a year ago and haven't seen each other since? Is that correct? This is an awful lot of angst about someone you've meet once. And he's moving 2 hours away so what's the point. Both of you are awful communicators via text so a long distance is not going to work.

cogneuroscience95 · 06/04/2022 12:06

@Thingsdogetbetter that's correct. After we met, he did try to see me almost like 3 times to which I basically rejected. He claimed he didn't respond a few months ago when I showed interest (or at least, in my head, I thought I did) because he thinks I barred him?

OP posts:
Notarealmum · 06/04/2022 15:04

Whatever happened to talking on the phone or - even - meeting up??

Sofasogood1 · 06/04/2022 15:06

Op please don't waste your life like this :(

Peboh · 06/04/2022 15:34

Honestly this is so much drama for someone that you've been on one date with, a year ago. Cut your losses. You barely know each other.
Walk away.

Knutface · 06/04/2022 16:55

He texted to ask if you wanted him to meet your parents on a first date!? Are you in the 1950s?

DatingDinosaur · 06/04/2022 17:19

Sounds like you’re both wasting each other’s time tbh.

Call it quits and move on.

CPL593H · 06/04/2022 20:38

Far too much angst for one date a year ago. Unless one of you was eg on a research station in Antarctica for many months, you would have met up again if there was something there. Also; when grown men ask for something sexual "that they've never asked anyone else for" they are lying. They may well have been turned down, but they will have asked.

It does sound like an utter waste of time, when you should perhaps be open to meeting someone else, not tying yourself in endless knots over a bloke who clearly isn't that keen.

badkitty · 06/04/2022 20:45

You've just written a novel about someone you have only met once?

milcal · 06/04/2022 20:48

What country do you live in?

Mermaidwaves · 06/04/2022 21:16

Have you posted about this guy before? I'm sure I've seen a similar thread to this a while ago?
It's not going anywhere OP, I would cut this one loose, he slept with someone but claimed he couldn't finish because he was thinking of you? He sounds a bit of a bull shitter doesn't he?

Nowomenaroundeh · 06/04/2022 21:45

Oh for god's sake. You've met him once. You don't know him. Why would either of you be discussing where it's going. The only place it should be potentially going after one date is a second date. That's all.

Sorry to be so blunt but you are having a relationship with your own head.

I

DatingDinosaur · 07/04/2022 23:33

”he slept with someone but claimed he couldn't finish because he was thinking of you?”

I must have missed that bit!

I’d take that as a massive insult personally. Thinking about you puts him off his stride? Confused

cogneuroscience95 · 10/04/2022 10:31

@DatingDinosaur he meant it in a positive way. Come on, now.

OP posts:
Itwasntmeright · 10/04/2022 10:43

Christ on a bike, it probably takes longer to read this post than the sum total of the amount of time you’ve spent with him. Just block him and move on, whatever this is, and it isn’t a lot, it’s dead in the water. Stop devoting headspace to it.

cpox · 10/04/2022 10:55

You've just written a novel about someone you have only met once?
^ this

Sorry op, I found your post/situation quite confusing. I’m not sure why you are so concerned when this is someone you have only met once.

You mentioned After we met, he did try to see me almost like 3 times to which I basically rejected.

Why are you both still wasting time messaging each other when neither of you have arranged to meet up again.

ENoeuf · 10/04/2022 11:06

Have I got this right?

12 months ago

  • you find some old messages on Insta and finally reply
  • you go for dinner; he offers to meet your parents first and then ends up meeting your mum anyway when he drops you back
  • you kiss

Between then and now

  • text messages
  • study (independently)
  • he has sex with someone else
  • you have a brief relationship with someone else
  • chit chat about meeting up
  • no meeting up
  • he offers a casual thing as he’s moving two hours away

?? Why are you doing this? It’s literally a painful, angst ridden online communication. Get out there and find someone if that’s what you want!

Hiddenvoice · 10/04/2022 11:07

Sorry op it’s a little confusing.
If you both liked each other the same amount then it wouldn’t be that difficult to meet up with each other.
I get you’re both busy, we’re in a pandemic with isolating etc and that you might not live closely together but if you both wanted it to work the same amount then you’d have met up by now.
I think he likes you a little but is keeping you hanging on so he has a back up- sorry for that sounding mean! He’s sending you sexual stuff to satisfy himself but nothing more seems to come of it.
I wouldn’t be overly flattered by someone telling me they had sex with someone else but thought of me. Seems like a cop out and not really something he needed to share with you!

Personally I’d just back off now. It was one good date that sadly didn’t amount to anything else. Cut ties with him and try meet someone who doesn’t jusg message, who actually wants to see you!

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