Emotional cheating

[Debmorgan]

I dont know how I should be reacting because I'm on tablets for anxiety, but I found an old phone of my OH in the bed, so I looked at it. It had loads of photos on of my 2 friends. He is obviously pleasuring himself over them it happened before many years ago, but he was sorry , I forgave him. Apparently its probably never stopped. Any photos I have he has copied to his phone, my friends dont have a clue. He is sorry and admits he has a problem with obsessive behaviour and needs help. Do i help him or walk away. I'm heartbroken and wont cut my friends our of my life to help him as we have been friends for a long time. I have no one to talk to, what do I do? Otherwise he is really good to me and we get on great.

Honestly, I'd walk away.

He doesn't respect you. He doesn't respect your friends.

If I were one of these friends, I wouldn't hold this current behaviour against you but, if I later discovered that he'd been doing this, you knew about it and you continued to expose me to it (either by allowing me to be in his presence or having photos he could copy) I'd never speak to you again.

And I wouldn't be hiding the reason why from others either.

This is disgusting behaviour on his part. You might be able to tolerate his disrespect but don't inflict that on women you call friends.

Oh, and you can't 'help' him. He has no respect for you.

That may sound harsh but you forgave him this once before. Don't do it again.

By forgiving him once before, you've allowed your friends to be exposed to this and they have been violated. I would be absolutely horrified if you were my close friend and hadn't told me, and then this had happened again.

He is a vile pig. He has absolutely no respect for you, and you will end up losing your friends if you stay. You won't ever be comfortable to have female friends Incase he nicks any photos he can find of them to wank over. Absolutely disgusting.

Oh my goodness. 100% walk away. Disgusting, disrespectful and extremely creepy behavior.

I would be absolutely horrified if you were my close friend and hadn't told me, and then this had happened again.

Actually, yes. This.

I'd be furious with you.

I know it's wrong and my initial reaction was to walk away. But he has admitted he needs help and some kind of therapy as he is also addictedto porn, isn't the right thing to do to try and sort this issue out. He said he is glad it's out in open as he wants help. It doesn't mean I forgive him or will let him see my friends.

No,the right thing would have been him going to a psychiatrist for his obsession over his sexual proclivities! What did he do the first time? Nothing! Did he want to be caught? It sure sounds like an issue I'd never forgive him for especially involving close friends

@Debmorgan

I know it's wrong and my initial reaction was to walk away. But he has admitted he needs help and some kind of therapy as he is also addictedto porn, isn't the right thing to do to try and sort this issue out. He said he is glad it's out in open as he wants help. It doesn't mean I forgive him or will let him see my friends.

No. If he wanted help he'd have gotten it the first time he was caught. He's saying what you want to hear to give him another chance, blaming it on addiction and mental illness. He's a gross pervert who's violated two women you claim to value. He's not a victim.

What they said...

Besides, it's his issue to sort out. Not your responsibility to help him. FFS.

Is that what you wanted for your life? To spend it supporting a man into not wanking over photos of your closest friends and overcoming a porn addiction? Seriously?

He might have acted he needs help but what on earth makes you think you need to stick around for it?

Walk away, in fact run!

He sounds vile, the dirty perv is sitting there wanking over your mates, probably whilst you’re in the house with him, or maybe even asleep next to him.

What do you get out of this relationship? He has a porn addiction, he fantasises about shagging your friends, hardly a catch is he?!

Wanking is wanking. It’s not real life. If he were exposing himself to your friends or spying on them this would be serious and illegal. Same if he were looking at images of minors.
But he’s not.
What he is doing is very very weird, and yes, I’d say very icky indeed. But he’s acknowledged he has a problem.
I’m assuming previous posters encouraging an extreme reaction know nothing of your relationship and whether it is good or bad outside of his masturbatory habits. The fact that you are medicated suggests that all is not well, and I’d recommend you seek help from real life friends or a therapist or councillor or women’s group or at least see your GP if you are experiencing distress in your relationship, and if you want this relationship to survive you might have to dig deep into emotional reserves and really push your OH to seek help too.
I’d be very wary of following previous posters’ advice as I believe it to be hyperbolic and likely not anything they’d do themselves

Thank you for some constructive advice palmfrond. He definitely would never spy or would be interested in minors. He hasnt done anything illegal or physically cheated. I do need to go back to the doctors for counselling and help. My anxiety issues were not related to my OH , although they have now increased, but I'm still considering my options. It's not a quick fix to walk away when you share a house etc but I'm unlikely to ever forgive him, just need to get my head around it all.

He'd "never spy" OP? You probably thought he never repeatedly wank over pictures of your unsuspecting friends... until he did.

And he's doing it again.

Can you see from your friends points of view how terrible a situation they're being put in?

There are literally millions of pictures, billions of pictures, of women online. Women dressed, undressed, casual clothing, glam clothing , porn actresses. Women of every conceivable appearance in every conceivable situation.

Do you not see? He has specifically chosen to wank over pictures of your friends because they are your friends therefore it's extra wrong and because he gets off on the fact they don't know he's doing it. It's sick.

If I found out my friends partner was doing this and my friend knew, stayed with them and maintained a friendship with me which would include seeing pictures of me, having access to my social media etc... I would feel so unbelievably betrayed and physically sick. I would be physically sick.

You're minimising how fucking awful his behaviour is because if you accept how bad it is then you can't really stay with him. Because the thought of lying in bed next to someone, let alone kissing and shagging someone, who is so absolutely disrespectful to women shouldn't be an option.

OP should absolutely not minimise her feelings about this, it’s a very unsettling and upsetting thing to have to deal with, it’s deeply unsavoury, it may be terminal for this relationship, but from her last post it seems their lives are entwined and there may be other positive things about this relationship that might make it worth saving.
Whatever the case, I don’t think we need to start frothing at the mouth over something or someone we know very little about. It seems previous posters are disturbed by male sexuality (which admittedly can often be disturbing), or perhaps by sexuality in general, but the fact of the matter is that men masturbate a lot, and they often use images to masturbate over. In this case it’s images of adult women who are friends of his partner, which, yes, is very weird and upsetting. But I’ll tell you something you might not know, men masturbate over, or at least have fantasies about, or at the VERY least sexually appraise women of their acquaintance all the time. All the time.

The only decent message on here is from @Palmfrond

Some saying he's violated your friends and that they'd be pissed off if they were your friends and you hasn't told them is ridiculous.

If women are out there believing that most men don't "perve" on women then they really are lying to themselves. None of us know what goes on behind closed doors with the majority of everyone we know/see.

I personally wouldn't leave him over him doing this - although i would bollock him and can see that it would hurt your feelings - BUT! The fact that he's told you he won't do something and has done it again will (if it hasn't already) break your trust and introduce doubt into other aspects of your relationship.

I obviously don't know the guy, but I think claiming he's a porn addict is an excuse, but again that's just my judgement.

Hope you get it all cleared up!

@youvegottenminuteslynn

He'd "never spy" OP? You probably thought he never repeatedly wank over pictures of your unsuspecting friends... until he did.

And he's doing it again.

Can you see from your friends points of view how terrible a situation they're being put in?

There are literally millions of pictures, billions of pictures, of women online. Women dressed, undressed, casual clothing, glam clothing , porn actresses. Women of every conceivable appearance in every conceivable situation.

Do you not see? He has specifically chosen to wank over pictures of your friends because they are your friends therefore it's extra wrong and because he gets off on the fact they don't know he's doing it. It's sick.

If I found out my friends partner was doing this and my friend knew, stayed with them and maintained a friendship with me which would include seeing pictures of me, having access to my social media etc... I would feel so unbelievably betrayed and physically sick. I would be physically sick.

You're minimising how fucking awful his behaviour is because if you accept how bad it is then you can't really stay with him. Because the thought of lying in bed next to someone, let alone kissing and shagging someone, who is so absolutely disrespectful to women shouldn't be an option.

Ahhh so it's okay to wank over women you don't know, nothing sick about that, but definitely not women you do know because that's absolutely sickening - got ya. Definitely must mean that he's only doing it because they're her friends.

@Palmfrond @CrazyDiamond30

I'm personally not naive or prudish thanks.

I just have a higher bar when it comes to expectations of a partner than OP's husbands behaviour which you've (correctly) described as:

Upsetting
Unsettling
Unsavoury
Disturbing
Weird
Upsetting

Comparing what OP's husband is doing to a man 'appraising' (your word not mine but I know what you mean) an acquaintance visually is very odd.

He's copied / saved loads of pictures of two of her friends to his phone specifically to wank over. He calls it an obsession to OP.

He did it previously, got caught, apologised, was forgiven and has now done it all over again.

And I 100% would feel pissed off that I had been exposed for ages to someone my mate knew was obsessive wanking off to pictures of me. I absolutely would. It would, as I said previously, make me feel sick.

OP is obviously grossed out by it too. Hopefully people seemingly filing his behaviour under 'stuff men do' won't make her feel she should dismiss her instincts.

FFS, where on earth is your self-worth and self-respect? This man is a vile pig who should be kicked out of your home. He is a predatory sex addict. Raise your standards because they're on the floor.

@CrazyDiamond30

Ahhh so it's okay to wank over women you don't know, nothing sick about that, but definitely not women you do know because that's absolutely sickening - got ya. Definitely must mean that he's only doing it because they're her friends.

Not at all saying this, I'm saying that the fact they're her friends and it's secret (he does that without them knowing then sees them / she sees them in person) must be something he gets off on. Otherwise why them specifically?

OP has said it is deeply troubling her and has previously jeopardised the relationship.

Even her partner has apparently said it's an obsession and he wants to seek help.

Meanwhile you're saying it's not that big a deal / that women's reactions to this (like mine, that it would make me feel sick if I was her or one of the friend) are OTT and I'm not really sure why.

@youvegottenminuteslynn - nope, not saying it's not a big deal. But it's not as sickening as you think - are you saying you can't find someone attractive because you know them? Are you saying that men don't masturbate over someone they've ever seen before? Unfortunately, while it's hurtful - it's real. Yea it could be a breaker for the relationship but moreso because you wouldn't be able to forget that it's happened. Not because wanking over someone you've ever seen is sickening.

@CrazyDiamond30

But it's not as sickening as you think

It's exactly as sickening to me as I've said it is to me thanks.

are you saying you can't find someone attractive because you know them?

No, obviously not.

Are you saying that men don't masturbate over someone they've ever seen before?

No, obviously not.

Yea it could be a breaker for the relationship but moreso because you wouldn't be able to forget that it's happened. Not because wanking over someone you've ever seen is sickening.

He has proactively saved loads of pictures of two of her friends onto his phone to wank over and it has become, in his own words, obsessive.

I don't believe I personally know any women who wouldn't find that sickening in their partner but horses for courses.

@HellToTheNope

FFS, where on earth is your self-worth and self-respect? This man is a vile pig who should be kicked out of your home. He is a predatory sex addict. Raise your standards because they're on the floor.

I really hope you would never speak to someone like this in real life. The OP has said she suffers from anxiety, and it’s been made worse by this situation with her OH. How do you think your words are going to help? They demeaning and utterly hyperbolic.

Helltothenope, was sexually abused as a child and my ex husband to be cheated on me numerous times, so maybe my standards are low, but I came on here for some constructive advice and to seek others opinions, not to be made to feel worse than what I already do. I am under the doctors and am waiting for an appointment.

I’ve definitely spent too much time on reddit.
I thought that this is what men do.