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Original poster

Timeline on proposal

25 replies

AprilShowers14 · 05/04/2022 18:45

Would you put a timeline on a proposal?

Back story, DP and I have been together for years. We have both been previously married, both have children from previous marriage and now share children together.
Early on we discussed what we wanted from the relationship, where we saw it going etc. He always pushed more for children - I was content with not having any more, but we both said marriage was important to us both. Children ended up becoming a priority due to age and of course we are a very happy family now - however, we still aren’t married, nor has he proposed.

We have discussed this at great length, he knows how important marriage is to me and claims he feels the same. He always says “when we’re married” and “i can’t wait to marry you.” Yet the only barrier is him. I even tested the water before about if I asked him to marry me, how he would feel and he was adamant he would not like it as he should be the one asking. Yet we are years down the road since then and nothing.

I feel sad for a number of reasons. I have now got to the point where I am questioning his commitment to me and us. It’s as though he’s kept me on a string and been saying what he thought needed to be said in order to keep me. Our children have his last name as he always assured me I too would carry it, now I hate that I didn't double barrel them.
I don’t want an expensive ring or a fancy wedding, he knows this. I want the commitment, I want what I was always told he wanted to. Talking about it has now become pointless as I’m always met with we will, I want it to be perfect… and so on.

So, WWYD? Carry on and accept that something that is deeply important to you (and was led to believe the feeling was mutual) is now looking unlikely to happen? I don’t want to give an ultimatum as I don’t want to force him into marrying me if he isn’t 100% sure on his feelings, similarly I can’t keep breaking my own heart feeling that I’m not enough for him to make that commitment to me.

OP posts:
RiojaRose · 05/04/2022 18:54

I would say to him, “ok we’ve had the children, it’s time to get married now.”
I wouldn’t bother about a proposal. Marriage is a legal commitment that’s important for the financial protection of the children and their primary carer. I’m not a very romantic person but even if I were I’d be pissed off at someone who wanted to have children with me but didn’t want to marry me. It’s not even like marriage is forever these days. If he decides in a few years he doesn’t want to be married any more he can divorce you. In your situation I’d be really angry!

Dixiechickonhols · 05/04/2022 19:26

I think the ship has sailed on proposal. You have been together years. It just needs a discussion. We've always said we will marry one day well for me the one day is here. You want to set a date. If he fobs it off you know. Older with children it's practicalities - does he realise implications (he may do and be protecting his assets or he may not realise implications eg inheritance tax)

Arianya · 05/04/2022 19:30

I would tell you to give him an ultimatum and dump him if he doesn’t marry you, but it’s a bit late for that because you already have kids so you can’t leave. You literally have no leverage to make him marry you now, and he knows it. There’s nothing you can do except put up with it.

ZoeCM · 07/04/2022 14:50

It's cruel of him to string you along like this. I would ask him if you could change the kids' surnames to yours by deed poll, or at least double-barrell them. Point out to him that you gave them his name with the expectation that you would eventually share the name as well. If he comes out with something like "why don't you just change your name to mine without marriage?" tell him to get lost.

GeneLovesJezebel · 07/04/2022 14:51

You live the way he wants, or make a move. He’s got it all his own way so far.

layladomino · 07/04/2022 15:45

I would forget about a proposal. You have been together years, already agreed you would get married, live together and have children. What point would a proposal serve other than a romantic story to tell people?

I would tell him - we need to plan that wedding we've always talked about. I suggest we aim for (month). Let's book it this week end.

If he says 'you're spoiling it, I should propose' tell him if you leave it up to him it'll never happen, and anyway you don't want or need a proposal. You're a grown woman who wants to get married.

If he comes up with excuses after that, then he clearly just doesn't want to get married and has just been stringing you along with excuses and lies. I couldn't stay with someone who would lie to me to get their own way (especially on something as huge as having children, and those children having his surname), while having no intention of doing the thing that was important to me.

You have every right to want to be married. He has no good reason not to (or at least if he had a reason he should have been honest years ago and not pressured you to have children on the promise it would happen).

You deserve better.

Suprima · 07/04/2022 15:52

The proposal ship has sailed- you have had kids, gave them his name.

Book an appointment to give notice and a registry office ceremony. If he stalls, you have your answer.

Suprima · 07/04/2022 15:53

If he says he wants to propose- you can tell him, “go on then, but I want to be booking a wedding by x date”. Wait and see, but you’ll have to admit that he doesn’t want to marry you if the proposal doesn’t materialise. What you do at that point is up to you.

Men will have whole families and relationships with women they don’t want to marry

newbiename · 07/04/2022 15:55

Just tell him , 'I take it you still want to get married ?'
'Ok we'll get it booked. Register Office ok'?
'Any preference on dates ?'
Take two witnesses then arrange a party afterwards and announce it.

Original poster
AprilShowers14 · 08/04/2022 09:14

The proposal doesn’t matter I agree, it’s just he has always said he wants to do that, but as we know that has not materialised.

I honestly feel like if we can’t get a date booked for the future by the end of the year I need to reassess our relationship as I’m getting to the point where I feel I have been strung along so far on a false pretence.

OP posts:
SummerWhisper · 08/04/2022 15:01

Book a venue to look at together and you will have to discuss dates whilst there. He response to this is your answer. Good luck x

Dixiechickonhols · 08/04/2022 16:39

All you can do is tell him that. He’s had his chance to do it his way. If he doesn’t want to or stalls you have your answer but at least you know.

ronjobbins · 08/04/2022 16:44

@Arianya

I would tell you to give him an ultimatum and dump him if he doesn’t marry you, but it’s a bit late for that because you already have kids so you can’t leave. You literally have no leverage to make him marry you now, and he knows it. There’s nothing you can do except put up with it.
Give over its not the 1950’s Hmm
Suprima · 08/04/2022 17:29

@AprilShowers14

The proposal doesn’t matter I agree, it’s just he has always said he wants to do that, but as we know that has not materialised.

I honestly feel like if we can’t get a date booked for the future by the end of the year I need to reassess our relationship as I’m getting to the point where I feel I have been strung along so far on a false pretence.

I disagree. The proposal is important but he hasn’t wanted to do it. You are completely in your right to feel future-faked.

If you want to get married, you sit down with him and book some venue viewings or some slots at the registry office. If he drags his feet then, you can reassess.

You can’t leave this to him any more- his actions of that are a man who doesn’t want to marry.

TimmyHos · 08/04/2022 18:32

I've seen this scenario several times on here now, I think it is a stalling tactic. A pretty cruel one, in the end.

Fuzzyhippo · 08/04/2022 19:28

If I got into another relationship I'd put a time line of 3 years as by then I'd be nearing 30. I've been in a relationship for 7 years, we agreed on the 4 year timeline at the beginning but it's been excuse after excuse and him saying I'm rushing into things which is ridiculous. Next time I'll be stubborn about it

Original poster
AprilShowers14 · 09/04/2022 11:14

We’re going away next week, I am going to speak to him about it then. Obvious could put a bitter taste on the holiday if he reveals he actually doesn’t want to marry but either way I need to know now as I am fed up of feeling like I am not good enough for him to marry and I’ve just been strung along all this time.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/04/2022 11:26

So he's happy to breed with you but not to marry you?

Sorry, but the kids have his name and he's got you over a barrel.

I'd be making your own plans for the future which don't include him.

What is your property/finance situation?

billy1966 · 09/04/2022 11:32

@Suprima

The proposal ship has sailed- you have had kids, gave them his name.

Book an appointment to give notice and a registry office ceremony. If he stalls, you have your answer.

This.

Unfortunately I think he has been stringing you along.

He got what he wanted with zero commitment.

If he wanted to be married to you, he would be.

I'm sorry.

Notwithittoday · 09/04/2022 11:35

Yes I would have done ( I’d give it a year and a half if you’re over 30) but dh was way ahead of me anyway and proposed after 6 months. We’d both been previously married.
The way to do it is to not give them husband privileges like seeing you all the time and living with them. I only saw him at weekends and refused to move in with him. He soon realised if he wanted more time with me it would have to be by getting married. This is of course useless to you because you’ve already given him all the benefits of marriage without actually marrying you.
If it’s really want you want you can try asking him but i think if he really wanted you he’d have done it by now.

Lemon221 · 28/04/2022 23:03

How did your chat go? Xx

fishingforflies · 28/04/2022 23:48

Lemon221 · 28/04/2022 23:03

How did your chat go? Xx

These thread rarely end in the news that there was a enthusiastic agreement of marriage

Aquamarine1029 · 28/04/2022 23:53

What happened, op?

Original poster
AprilShowers14 · 29/04/2022 06:37

Well, before I even got chance to have a chat, he proposed!

OP posts:
CrystalCoco · 29/04/2022 06:49

That's fab news! Congratulations!
Strike while the iron's hot and get a date booked (if you haven't already done that of course!)

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