still in love with ex and been a bad girl

[badbadgirl]

Hi folks

I do post regularly but have changed my name as a/ I am embarressed and b/ I don't want dh to find out.

To cut a long story short have been in contact with my ex - partner and it has stirred up all sorts inside of me. Have been with my dh for almost 6 years and married for 3 of them. When I met dh I was still getting over ex p and told him I didn't want anything too heavy but it was a whirlwind romance and I got pregnant (unplanned) fairly quickly. Dh and I have never really had any huge problems and get on ok, would not say we were in love as we were when first met but not rocky by any means.

The thing is that ex p has always been there at the back of my mind. I have had millions of dreams about him and always been wondering where he is and what he is doing.

I contacted him recently because I thought it might "walk the ghost" iykwim, and found that he is living abroad with a partner. We sent each other a few emails, then he sent me a msn thingie and we chatted on there, that felt a bit strange, but then things got a bit deeper - the upshot being he is not happy. He also said in a roundabout way he misses me.

I feel so awful as all sorts of things are going through my head, can't believe I am asking myself the sorts of questions I am. There is no doubt in my mind that I still love this man on some level I am trying to figure out what is going on inside me. He is on my mind all day and the dreams are more frequent. I have cried at night and my dh has asked me what the matter is - I have just cried more. It would take a lot for me to split up with dh as I do love him too and would never want us not to be a family but the thought that this guy was the one and we threw away our chance to be together kills me.

Is this because he was the first one I ever fell hard for? Does anyone else still have feelings for ex p's in this sort of way? Is it just first cut is the deepest and all that? Should I steer clear of more contact?

I actually feel like I have been unfaithful. I need advice. Be as critical as you like I think I need it.

Oh BG, I know what you are saying and i feel for you. I came into contact with my first love a couple of months ago but made the decision to steer clear totally and forget him for many many reasons. These reasons far far outweighed the reasons to stay in contact with him so i am confident that i made the right choice.
You have got a tough time ahead of you and i dont envy you but be practical, strong and do the right thing for all concerned. Just do what is right. Good luck.

thanks donbean. I know like you the reasons to steer clear are huge but for some reason I have still managed to get myself in a total state about this.

You're not bad, probably quite normal!!

I think maybe you're at the stage we've all been thru in relationships, after the heady in-love stage, and the all-new baby stage and into the kind of 'settled' stage which maybe in comparison with the relationship you had with your ex, is a bit boring.

But these are 2 very different relationships and it is probably unfair to your dh to compare them.

I think a small part of will always occasionally long for the responsibility-free life we had before kids and perhaps this is what you're craving.

If it is, eventually you may come to terms that life will never revert back and eventually if you're prepared to put the effort in (and effort is what it is), you'll accept, appreciate and like what you already have.

My advice would be to put your efforts in to the life you've made for yourself.

Why did you and ex-p split up? Can you focus on this to help you steer clear of him now?

mum2girls thankyou. I do think that part of this is due to the fact that I had never given myself time to get over him, and also that I got pregnant v quickly after I met dh and everything went very fast. If I begin to think about this man thoughts of the children are there too - I am even wondering if he would like them/they would like him which is just bl**dy awful I know. The truth is that I do not and never have fancied dh in the way I do ex p. I feel a complete failure and a mess but that is the way it is.

jude we split up because he was going abroad to start a new job that was a great opportunity for him and I had a place at college that I was not willing to give up. We tried to have a long distance relationship but in the end I finished it as it was hurting too much when he was away. I figured if we didn't love each other enough to be together then it was not worth the hurt and sadness being apart and we were not right for each other.

Well, 'not-very-bad-girl-at-all' as I wil call you probably what you need to do this time is give yourself time.

Don't beat yourself up about fantasising about this other guy, we all do that from time to time (well I do!).

If your 'mistake' last time was rushing in to something else, just make sure you don't do the same this time.

Could you just try to cool it with your ex in the meantime??

yes we haven't chatted for about a week as I blocked the msn thingie - I needed to sort out my feeling before he let any more bombs drop on me. Also feel like a complete schoolgirl hiding from dh to chat to him as I did mention to dh we were in contact. He hit the roof as this I did tell dh I couldn't be with him when we first met as I was still in love with this guy. I do feel though that you are with somone for 2/3 years - you give part of you to them? surely this never really goes away? And I was with him through the death of his father, he was with me as I srtuggled with countless things we gave so much too each other. Maybe this deep love I feel for him is connected with this too? I can't say its all sexual as its not - I wish it was and then I could ignore it or put it down to fantasy.

Hmmm. Need to log off now, but will check the thread tomorrow. Has he ever suggested meeting up?

I'm not surprised dh hit the roof
Agree with mum2girls to give it time. You said in your first post you would never want us "not to be a family". If you continue with ex-p then that is highly likely to happen. ... And you're not bad.

thanks sg - your post has my eyes stinging, your kindness and honesty and the thought that I will have to let go of these feelings once and for all. Its good to know I am not the only one ever felt like this! What advice has helped you best sg?

I know exactly how you feel, and it is a nightmare. I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Your line 'the thought that this guy was the one and we threw away our chance to be together kills me' could have been written by me.

And I have to be honest with you and say that my feelings for my ex went a long way towards breaking up my marriage (we had other BIG problems too, but this was certainly a part of it all) and that is the hardest thing to deal with. Even though I never did anything about it, it still messed things up in a big way.

I think first love stays with you forever in some way or another. And I think, especially after having a baby, you yearn for some of that freedom you used to have, for the life you used to live. And it's totally natural to get caught up in 'what if'. You're not bad, you're normal. And you haven't been unfaithful, you've just been wondering.

But, as scaltygirl says - that way madness lies. It will drive you crazy, all this fantasising and hoping and over-thinking. Please, hun, do yourself a big favour and try to put this away in a box and don't open it again, IYKWIM. I know it's so hard but sometimes we just have to accept that things change and life moves on and we have to leave some stuff behind, even when we don't really want to. I just don't think any good ever comes of trying to recapture the past. ((((hugs))))

thanks sg, lots for me to think about there.

too much red wine I gave the game away!

one thing I have found though, I am thinking about dh differently, or was I before this happened? Must be something wrong for me to want to contact ex?

one thing I have found though, I am thinking about dh differently, or was I before this happened? Must be something wrong for me to want to contact ex?

Hi, i just wanted to say that i don't think you are bad at all. I'm sure there are lots of people on here who have at some point been in a position where they had feelings about an ex resurface.

I have a conversation with an ex that goes over and over in my head many times a week, and each time it makes me feel sick to the stomch to think that my life could of been so different to how it is now and that i never gave things a chance.

If this guy were to contact me, i would do all the things you have already done and so can totally understand why you have done it and why you are having such trouble with your felings.

Hope that made some sense, it sounded like a complete load of waffle to me