Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

To avoid dating

18 replies

Cluelessat32 · 05/04/2022 17:36

This is definitely not a pity post. Has anyone else washed their hands of the idea of another relationship out of choice?

I'm nearly 33. One daughter. A failed marriage. I really thought I'd want to find someone new. But the longer time has gone on, not only the less likely this seems (the dating scene is frankly terrifying) but the less inspiring it seems.

I've been on a date. That was awkward. I've been on dating apps. Do these people really exist? I've been stalked. Apparently if your newly separated, you are fair game. I've been sent dick pics. I mean who doesn't want those!?

I'm sure there are decent blokes out there. But honestly. I don't have the patience, or desire to find them. I love my single life. I love my freedom. I love my relationship with it all. I love the simplicity. I love my free time. I don't really want to compromise. I've chatted to guys who are just awfully needy. And I just don't want that. I don't want to be beholden to someone.

I've jeard lots of people say I need to lower my standards, change my idea of what I want, that someone will come along eventually who will make me happy, that I'm still young. But not only do I resent these comments, like life's only aspiration is to have a man, but I don't feel interested in the picture it paints.

I can't be the only one surely.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cluelessat32 · 05/04/2022 17:37

The above should read I love my relationship with my daughter.

OP posts:

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 05/04/2022 17:38

I had this mindset after 15 years of being divorced.

Then I met my 2nd husband.......

Watchkeys · 05/04/2022 17:40

Yeah, I felt like this. Doesn't make any difference when you meet someone lovely, though. There's no reading the future. Today you're happy like this, tomorrow you might be happy a different way. As long as you are happy, there's no reason to question or commit to any decision.

Relationship, no relationship, who cares?

Original poster

Cluelessat32 · 05/04/2022 17:41

@thesefeetaremadeforwalking. And are you happy? What was your mindset going into the relationship if you don't mind me asking. I do feel now if I didn't go into a relationship it would have to not be an enormous compromise in where I am.

OP posts:

Mumoblue · 05/04/2022 17:45

I’m with you there. I haven’t even tried to date, that’s how little it appeals to me.

Especially because there seems to be an implicit expectation from men that you will mother them on some level, or at the very least that their free time is important and yours isn’t.

My mother and my son’s other grandma have both said that I’ll “meet someone eventually”, to which I replied “Well, I hope not”.

I like having my house to myself and my son, and I know from experience that I’m too much of a people-pleaser in relationships.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 05/04/2022 17:51

@clueless32

I am very happy.

I never thought I would ever meet anyone who had the same aims and objectives that I had, that believed what I did, (met him at church) who was happy to let me be me etc etc.

It took some time before I realised there was an attraction and that I wanted a relationship with him. It surprised both of us as neither of us expected to find a life partner.

Neither of us wanted a relationship where we were 'joined at the hip', so it works fine.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 05/04/2022 17:52

Yup I got it. First husband destroyed my desire to ever have a relationshp again.
I was alone for 15 years with DS then met my 2nd husband who I fell in love with madly and knew this was going to be for the rest of our lives.
Then on our 15th wedding anniversary - we'd been holding hands all day the day before, really happy he just dumped me and left the house.
i was beyond devastated and then tried to take me to the cleaners in the divorce, luckily what I had was protected and he couldn't have it.
After he found he couldn't have my house or money he asked to come back but I said no - he was wanting to come back for the wrong reasons entirely....the lifestyle I provided.
So he blocked me.
I found out he'd got into the BDSM and fetish community and decided that was going to be his lifestyle from now on, he'd been secretly posting and getting involved for years.
I'm 60 now and will never trust a man again.
The horrible men on dating sites make me feel sick.

D0lphine · 05/04/2022 18:11

Sounds like you don't want a relationship right now and that's completely ok.

Don't lower your standards! Don't listen to ridiculous people who think that you need a bloke you 100% don't! Sounds like you're having a fab time!

If people make these comments just smile and say "I'm actually enjoying being single right now" then change the subject. No need to listen to other people wang on about it.

D0lphine · 05/04/2022 18:12

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Yup I got it. First husband destroyed my desire to ever have a relationshp again. I was alone for 15 years with DS then met my 2nd husband who I fell in love with madly and knew this was going to be for the rest of our lives. Then on our 15th wedding anniversary - we'd been holding hands all day the day before, really happy he just dumped me and left the house. i was beyond devastated and then tried to take me to the cleaners in the divorce, luckily what I had was protected and he couldn't have it. After he found he couldn't have my house or money he asked to come back but I said no - he was wanting to come back for the wrong reasons entirely....the lifestyle I provided. So he blocked me. I found out he'd got into the BDSM and fetish community and decided that was going to be his lifestyle from now on, he'd been secretly posting and getting involved for years. I'm 60 now and will never trust a man again. The horrible men on dating sites make me feel sick.

This is unlucky are you ok?

phizog · 05/04/2022 18:14

The only watch out is ensuring you have enough adult company/emotional support by way of close friends/companions and family, and do not unwittingly place that burden on your daughter. As someone who's own mother did this to her, as well as knowing a lot of friends who've had the same - some mums eschew dating but then use children as confidants, emotional support, best friends which can skew the child's own emotional development and impact their growth/independence/ability to be in relationships themselves later on (called enmeshment). If you can avoid dating but find meaningful companionship in other ways, then you're golden.

Original poster

Cluelessat32 · 05/04/2022 18:20

@phizog. I see your point. I have 3 sisters I see regularly. Very close work companions. Good friends who have been amazing over the last few years. My time with my daughter is for her. My time when she is with her Dad is about focusing on me and my relationships. My identity. At first I felt guilt about this. Now I realise it is essential for making me a better, happier Mum.

OP posts:

Knutface · 05/04/2022 20:27

Cannot believe that you were told to lower your standards! One of the worst pieces of advice ever, luckily you sound strong and together but someone else might take note of such advice and end up in a bad situation.

something2say · 06/04/2022 07:29

Enjoy the time. It is so helpful.

I remember being much younger and always dating, one left, another one came along and I'd twist myself round to please them. One night aged 26 or so, a man was texting me and I thought, really?? Here we go again? And I realized that I just wasn't up for it, I wanted time out, I had other things to do.

It was quite a lightbulb moment. I must have got the idea that to be successful, I needed to be in a relationship. And then that idea broke down.

I went on to have a year of nothing. No texts, no angst, didn't care where my phone was, no one upsetting me or worrying me.

It allowed me to form as a woman, to be me without trying to please anyone else, or making myself small for their comfort.

Be safe financially and enjoy these single years. Be strong, be brave, design a life that makes you feel great.

adhdmom · 06/04/2022 07:36

8 years and counting. I went on a few dates over the years, and even dated two guys for a couple of months (the quality was depressing). Nah, thanks, I am fine. If it is meant to happen, it will, organically. I can't be bothered to put any effort on dating, and what's the point of lowering your standards? You can get a crappy guy anyway, but what for? Be miserable? Why would that be a choice?

TerraNovaTwo · 06/04/2022 07:59

The dating pool is a cesspit. YANBU in not wanting to date. The comments you've received are patronising at best.

Watchkeys · 06/04/2022 08:11

@TerraNovaTwo

The dating pool is a cesspit. YANBU in not wanting to date. The comments you've received are patronising at best.

If you want to phrase it in that way, the entire world is a cesspit. There are very very few people with whom any of us are compatible, so, basically, the world is full of people we're not compatible with, in one way or another. If you know how to reject incompatibles, it doesn't really matter how 'cessy' any of them are, because you're only exposed to it for a minute, and then they're out of your life.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 06/04/2022 08:14

Always so happy to hear this attitude because so many women don't seem to think of it as an option. When I left my ex, I loved being single. It was for six years - and I still tell my teenage daughters that being single is brilliant (they watch their friends being miserable in relationships and agree) but I have to be a bit careful saying that because I'm now happily married!

Although here's the key thing: when I met DH, at any stage in the first year or two, I would've been happy to walk away if he'd been an arse. Or actually, if he'd been meh. I knew being single was better than a so-so relationship. It was only because he was a constant highlight in my life that he got to stay!

Ceriane · 07/04/2022 17:28

I feel exactly the same. Every time I see people they go on and on at me to find someone, and I’ve been told to lower my standards etc. Truth is, I don’t think I want one and if I had a kid I certainly wouldn’t bother. The amount of people I know that will be in bad relationships just because they can’t be on their own never fails to amaze me. I’m okay the way I am but because I really lack confidence I struggle to deal with people who constantly hassle me about it (one friend and one relative in particular, both of whom I’m giving a wide berth at the moment).

Flip