Please help me go through with divorce this time

[StillSheRises]

Hello all,

I have been in an unhappy marriage for years. Quick summary my husband can be very moody and at times has been really awful - shouty, critical, silent treatments, mood swings etc including in front of DC. During lockdowns this became my daily life. He also has physical health issues which mean he doesn't do an equal share in terms of financial, childcare or household responsibilities. I don't mind that but I do mind the lack of recognition around this - never saying thanks or giving me a break, always ready to heap more or to complain about anything i have done wrong. We also have zero sex life (unsurprisingly given the above) and I feel generally unsupported and uncared for.

I have spoken about my feelings quite a few times but last Autumn I sat my husband down very seriously and told him that the marriage was over. This sparked a change in behaviour and for a while, I actually felt joy for the first time in years and it was like "OMG I could be like a normal person in a normal marriage!". Predictably however he has changed again now. Over the last month or two he has become moody and self centred again. To give a couple of examples, he did nothing with the kids or in the house for a week, going to bed at 5 o'clock every day and never saying a word to me about all the extra work that I was doing. Then on Mother's Day he did nothing (not even a card). I spoke to him and the DC about it and he apologised and said we would have a redo the next weekend, then again nothing. The last two weekends he has had big fights with me and then given me the silent treatment for a couple of days each time.

So today I told him that I wanted to speak to him and although he tried to avoid having a conversation, I insisted. He apologised for recent behaviour and said it was down to having a bad period with his health but I don't agree. The behaviours are about his attitude and mindset, of just thinking it's OK to expect me to do everything, to never do anything nice for me and to have massive moodswings in front of DC and then never try to fix it after - leaving me to try to make sure the DC are ok and to sort it out with him too.

I was clear on these things today and clear that I wanted a divorce. He started trying to ask me why and then to argue with all the reasons but I just said "look, I am unhappy and have been for years. I don't want to live together anymore. I want a divorce and i want you to hear that I am really serious about this".

The truth is though inside I feel very weak and worry that somehow I will just go back to putting up with it again. I would really appreciate any advice - especially on the emotional side as I am not bad from the practical point of view. My real problem is that I had an unhappy family life as a child and I can so easily get sucked back in to thinking that I may as well put up with this. I think I most need help with finding the courage to start moving forward and taking control over my life, instead of letting him suck me back in again. I would really appreciate any advice out there. Thank you

I think you've done one if the hardest bits. What's next? Seeing a lawyer?

I would just keep taking one more step.

Make that appointment to see a solicitor as soon as possible. You deserve happiness and staying with your husband is like living half a life.

Why would you waste another minute of your life in this man? Get yourself to a solicitor as soon as humanly possible and end this drudgery. The only regret you'll ever have is if you stay with him.

You deserve better. Your children deserve better. Don't let them get used to abuse. You are better. Live your life instead of just surviving.

I have just moved out after 28 years together. I put up with his moods, verbal abuse and control but it never changed - even asking numerous times for counselling. They wont change until you leave and even then if you go back they revert to their learned behaviours. You only have one life and you cannot live in regret in 20 years time wishing you had left and started your life anew

Wow a huge well done to you for moving out. Do you mind if I ask you how you feel now? And perhaps also what the key steps were - how you made yourself do it?

One step at a time. You’ve done the hardest bit. Don’t go back on your promise to yourself. You deserve more, plus you don’t want to put your dc through this anymore. Live your life.

You don’t want to look back in 20 years and wish you’d followed through, do you? Do it now, live your life!

I have just left after being together for 26 years. I was not happy for a very long time, but the abuse was very subtle so I could not justify it to myself to leave. Finally, after one incident I decided to do something. I did offer him couples counseling but he flat out refused. After he refused to do it with me I started going alone and that was that. I never looked back. After few months I learned that what was happening to me was emotional abuse and also that I did not want to "stick around" anymore. Quarter of a century, I thought, was enough of a sacrifice on my part. It was time to set myself free.

I learned, over the years, that “talking” did not help at all. My ex would not listen. His tactic was to confuse me into silence. I would say something to him and he would deny, deflect, stonewall and gaslight me. In the end he would give me silent treatment. I realized that talking to him would not get me anywhere, so I basically waited until I was certain and ready to do it. An opportunity presented itself and I took it. Just told him I did not want to be with him anymore, that our marriage was over. I think that the best way to do it is to just say it in as few words as possible and do not allow yourself to get into argument or explanation. Chances are you have done it many times in the past, so no point to getting into it again.

We separated last year and he moved out in August. It was hard, I am not going to lie to you. There was a lot of pain and guilt that I suffered, not because I did it but because I did it at this time (we as a family went through some very difficult times during Covid, especially my ex), but I just could not take it anymore. The way we lived, the way he treated me, I just could not take it anymore. There is pain, a lot of pain involved in the process, but I know that I am much better off without him still.

I am still in therapy, I meditate, I do yoga, I pray (even though I am not particularly religious), I do anything I think may help me get through this. Luckily, I have great relationship with my kids, and they took it really well (they are grown up but still live with me) and a couple of friends that support me.

Thank you so much for sharing something so personal. I appreciate you being honest about the fact that it is painful - but it reassures me to hear you say that you still know you are better off without him. I don’t think mine would ever move out - stubbornness and stonewalling are big things for him - but that just means that my next step has to be finding somewhere for me and DC to live. Financially I am independent so that is a blessing. Thank you also for sharing your tips about meditation, yoga and prayer. I used to be big into yoga but it fell away basically due to doing all the household and family stuff. I might try to do a little now and to reclaim that space a little. Wishing you strength and peace on your journey and thank you again xx

Thank you so much for sharing. So glad you had that pin drop moment and then you began to see the light. It really strikes me seeing you saying that it went on for 26 years. Did he make it difficult for you when you decided to make the move and how did you manage that. Thank you again and I hope you feel the benefits of having left every day now. I know deeply what a brave thing it is to do

Thank you for this lovely post, I really love it and think I might send it to myself every morning

And thank you to all for the reminder to make solicitor my first step. I had contacted some last year and then I didn’t answer any of them when they came back to me. Will do that tomorrow. One step at a time

I planned over three years to make myself financially independant so I could support my kids without his help......I saved up so I could move out...he would never of left our house - I had to decide that I deserved peace and happiness - dont get me wrong I was very scared moving out I have no regrets - I reached out to people that he alienated me from over the years who welcomed me back with open arms and am finally becoming me again.. I cannot control his behaviour - I can only control my own and say that someone that does not respect me and is verbally abusive will never control my life again...

That’s really powerful. Interestingly I did the same thing finance wise but have been frustrated with myself as I’ve been ok financially for a while now but have struggled to take the next step. As you say it’s terrifying. So happy for you connecting with old friends and family and most importantly yourself. I bet that feels wonderful xx

@StillSheRises This was the hardest thing I had to do in my whole life. I do not know why it was so hard. I remember feeling paralyzed and wanting to speak but the words would not come out. My ex was not psychically violent, but I was afraid of something. I felt physical pain all over my body, mostly my stomach for months before I said it and few months after too. Perhaps it is how I was raised to have marriage above all. Counseling definitely helped me find courage to do this.

My ex did not make it particularly hard to be honest. He never admitted this was in anyway his fault though. He basically said, he had nothing to do with this and this is how we presented it to the kids too. He also said this to all friends and relatives. We are not poor, but we do not have much, however, money division was most important for him. He kept saying that he did not want to share "his" money with me (he had some investments). In the end he "agreed" we shared everything 50/50 but I am certain that he hid some money away. I am sorry, I am trying to make my story short but there is so much to say. Anyway, I did not insist on full financial disclosure, but I told him I did not believe him. In the end he just moved out.

I would also emphasize the importance of talking to a lawyer. We started with mediator but that was a mistake. I got lawyer later on in the process but it still helped; I also felt much stronger and braver. Also, MN helped me tremendously too as I could not share this with anyone in real life either, so now I try to give back and share my experience with others. If you would like, you can send me direct message if you want to chat more, I do not mind sharing my story with you and every other woman who is going through similar experience.

I'm in a very similar situation. Feel free to PM me for a but of moral support .

Thank you so much for sharing all of that, and massive well done to you! Would you mind saying something about the mediator and why that was a mistake? I had been thinking about that option but it sounds like a lawyer might be a better route. Thank you also for the very kind offer, I might take you up on it from time to time xx

Thank you so much, you too

My ex is very cheep and he wanted us to do it all by ourselves without involving anyone (we do not live in UK btw), but I did not feel comfortable with that, so I offered him to take a mediator as they are cheaper than lawyer and he agreed. However, mediator’s role is different then lawyers, they do not advise you and they do not take sides. Their job is to help you communicate with your spouse. So for example, when my ex brought a list of his accounts with totals, she did not question it and I dared not either, but my lawyer told me later that I should have asked for six months worth of transactions from each account. She also told us I had to pay him spousal support as he is currently earning less then me and I did. She also said I would have to be doing it for as long as he is earning less then me. It turned out, after I talked to my lawyer, that is not true. Even though the online calculator you can use to determine how much support to pay says so, spousal support is not automatic and does not have to be for life either.

OP
It sounds like a miserable home for your children for a long time.
Hugely abusive.

Focus on them having a happy calm home, with a happy calm mother, who is no longer being used.

Definitely see a lawyer.
You deserve more than this life with an abusive man.

Thank you so much billy1966 I really needed that tonight

Thank you so much movingon2022 you have really helped me to see sense. I was somewhat dreading the lawyer thing as I know that will put him into fighting mode but I can see now that a mediator could go very wrong

Your whole opening post could have been written by me, even down to health problems which he used to abdicate responsibility and used to his advantage and the dysfunctional childhood family background which contributed to me putting up with it for so long........ 30 years😭 go for it, your life will be so calm and peaceful with just your kids. 👍😌
What I would say is that you don't necessarily need a lawyer/solicitor first, especially if you think it will make him worse/put him into fighting mode, it definitely did with mine although it was actually 5 years after separating before I went to a solicitor. Just get on with the separation as calmly as possible if you can because then you will have the peace to get your head around what you need to do next and do it in your own time. Instead I divorced after 5 years because then you could do it without the other person agreeing and yes he made it hell! 🤷💐💐

Let him get into any mode he likes.

You and your children are going to be free.

Free and peaceful.

A calm and peaceful home is priceless IMO.

You can do this.