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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What the heck is going on in his head?

2 replies

Pegsonstrings · 05/04/2022 13:49

My abusive ex sent me a WhatsApp message last night to tell me he had heard that I had moved and was this true? It was a very long message about him being with his new partner and how happy they were. How he thought I was the one, and how he had grown up since we were together. The message comes a month after an email he also sent me.

He was under police investigation for voyeurismn when we went swimming at a local swimming pool. The case was left open due to the nature of it and the police not being able to retrieve the video evidence but had a text confession from him to me. He was not allowed to contact me but I have since moved countries.

I have obviously not replied to neither the email or the text but his re writing of history to obviously impress his new interest who he got in contact with during the eight month police investigation, is worrying me. She has three kids.

He threatened me with a large kitchen knife, who he threw at me in the end as I was on a call to the police. He was verbally and physically abusive, and very coercive with his abuse.

Why the need to contact former victims? Validation?

OP posts:
Pegsonstrings · 05/04/2022 14:24

I know many women go through similar but I have never had this before where more than a year has passed and the abuser feels the need to let me know he is now incredibly happy. I have no need to contact him at all so why do they do this?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 05/04/2022 14:43

Abusers do things to keep us thinking about them. Trying to work out the puzzle of their weird behaviours is a way of keeping us engaged.

Just accept that he does things because he's odd, and move on. Every minute you spend trying to work out what's happening in his head is a minute you could spend doing something that's good for you. This is the mechanism by which abusers construct abusive relationships.

Spend your time working out what your thought/emotional process is, that keeps your mind on him. Focus on you, and why you can't just say 'Oh, that's irritating that he's got in touch, but... whatever'. Why the need to work out his thoughts? Why the need to understand him?

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