DS's his GF and her DM

[finalpunt]

Bit of a weird one and not really sure what to do.

DS and his GF have been together for nearly 5 years. Live together and have a DS of their own (10mnths).

They have made some very bad choices between them. GF left home at 18 (not sure if totally left or pushed). DS was at uni, she went to stay weekend, her DM and Dsis told her that they thought my DS was cheating on her as he was friends with a girl who worked across from his student accommodation and but they went to school together so and bumped into each other so carried on friendship. Because GF DM said he was probably cheating she went to stay with him and her parents were fuming and she said they kicked her out.

I knew nothing of this for 6 weeks. By that time DS got a job in Uni town to financially support her, he was stressed that they were going to get caught with her there as she wasn't allowed to stay more than two nights. He ended up giving up Uni and working 60 hours a week.

He had to come home and I found out what had been going on. His GF was then homeless so I ended up trying to support and she ended up in supported accommodation and got an apprenticeship job.

Her family moved country in the same year. She had sporadic contact with them but her and her DM argued a lot from what I can gather.

DS lost job as the company he worked for lost their contract, he then worked a few jobs he wasn't keen on until he managed to get another. GF became qualified and then had to pay significant increase to living costs in supported accommodation so her and DS decided to private rent. Again I wasn't told until he they had already signed papers (DS was 20 so whilst I wasn't really happy there was not a lot I could do).

Since then DS got made redundant during covid, his GF got pregnant and then left her job at 22 weeks pregnant because she didn't want to work with covid around. DS was having hallucinations due to deterioration in mental health, debt was spiraling and they were aware that they were now going to be evicted due to rent arrears building up.

GF had her LO in summer, DS got new job in Oct, they secured new accommodation in Jan (it is again supported but for young families, they have to complete a course on maintain budgets etc so I do feel this is a good place for them to be at the moment).

GF family been in touch with her more since LO arrived, travelled over to see GF and baby a few times but as DS was out of work at this point he wasn't invited. They told GF that once he had a job they would respect him and he would then be invited.

DS was working come Christmas and GF family now moved back to UK. They wanted them to go to them at Christmas but GF, DS and DGS came to ours (as they have done since GF moved to our town).

Mothers day again they were out our house but they tend to come over every Sunday anyway - GF did say her DM called her 3 days before and asked her to see her, GF advised that she had plans. I did say that I understood that she could see her DM and I would be ok, we could have meal late in the day or we could meet up early am for coffee so she could arrange to do something. She said no she wanted to stick with original plans.

I think because me and GF do things on our own with DGS or we go out without DGS on our own and DS has him so it is not just about DGS, we have relationship independently of him where as she feels her DM has only tried to be in her life since DGS (I have explained that it will change things and she should be pleased that they want to be a big part of his life.

Her DM called me Sunday and was very angry. DS was made redundant again on Friday and she wanted to know what I was going to do about it. This is the first time we have ever spoken (she was given my number when DGS was born).

She is angry with me because I get on with her DD, she said she feels sidelined that her DD and her DGS was at ours on Christmas and Mothers day and that she is her Mom and they should have been with her. GF insists that her DM has been telling her she has to give up DGS at some point and is always saying that she should let her have him overnight or all day on her own(since he was about 3 mnths). She is fine to leave him for an hour or two but doesn't really want him to stay over.

Yes me and GF do get on well. I took her to appointments throughout Pregnancy and yes she has been at my house weekly for years now.

Her DM asked me not to say that she had called as she said that she was risking being blocked from her life again.

I haven't mentioned it but I feel uncomfortable really. She pretty much ranted at me for over an hour and didn't really seem to want to listen to anything that I said. I assured her that I was not trying to sideline her but equally I wasn't prepared to say they could not come to mine. I also reminded her that I had made it clear that they were welcome to come to ours also.

I don't want to betray her trust but equally I don't want to betray DS and GF or be in the middle of arguments between GF and her mom either.

She said she was going to stay in touch with me so she knew what was really going on but I am not to tell them.

GF DM lives a few hours away so even if I took a step back in reality DM isn't around to spend more time with them and whilst I fully expect that they should and will go and spend time with DM I don't think it is my job to tell them where they should spend time.

I want to support DS still and his GF and I don't want her DM to feel pushed out by me as I do get she must be hurt but I don't think that I have caused this - or maybe I have helped contribute towards it.

How do I progress with this?

Keep doing what you're doing.

Why the hell should you step back? If you're happy, and the kids are happy why step back?

Also, tell DS and your DIL what's occured. They have the right to know .

Maybe, not as bluntly as her mum put it more of a casual "I spoke with your mom, she rang me blah blah blah" way?

Continue to build your relationship with DS's GF and your grandchild.

Tell the mother if she rings again 'your relationship with your DD is nothing to do with me, do not drag me into it.'

Tell your DS and his GF that her mum rang and is upset about being out of touch, but that you support them in managing their relationships the way that seems best to them.

Your DS's girlfriend isn't a cat that's been tempted away from her owner with dreamies!

By letting gf navigate her relationship with her own mother. Calling, ranting, trying to control her daughter's relationship with you and trying to make you one of her flying monkeys shows that she is highly manipulative and has no boundaries.

Do not step back, do not keep secrets from gf, do not share info with the mother. You have not caused this, she has. By not telling gf, and continuing to take secret calls from her mother, you become a flying monkey. Breaking a 'secret' you did not agree to keep is not a betrayal of her mother. But not telling gf would be betraying gf.

Thanks, I wasn't sure if I would come across as being a bit out of order, I know I am not her MIL yet technically so don't really want to be stepping on toes or trying to disrupt DGS relationship with his other GP.

I feel bad as I hear from GF most days and yesterday when she messaged I felt bad that I couldn't say anything. Think though I will wait until I see her on Friday and say that I had heard from her but try to keep it a bit neutral as suggested because I don't want to cause an argument between them.

I get her DM thinks that my DS is no catch for her DD and they have both made some silly mistakes but they are young and they are learning. I equally was not thrilled at their relationship and the fact that he dropped Uni etc - I have explained this to BOTH of them in the past we when have talked but I would not try to push her away or make her feel excluded because DS made his own choices.

I suppose I felt bad for her Dm telling me how pushed out and sidelined she felt but yes DS & GF take priority for me.

@Thingsdogetbetter just been reading up on flying monkey, I hadn't heard that before - other than in Wofoz and looks spot on - thank you

I agree with what’s been said: you have a good relationship with DS and GF and have supported them in what sounds like difficult circumstances. They independently have honest relationships with you and that speaks volumes to me.

Of course you should continue to support them and DGS.

The GF’s relationship with her mum isn’t down to you and you cannot fix it. I suspect that, if you are not honest with your son and the GF, damage will be done to your relationship with them, so yes do tell them. However neutral you keep it, it sounds like they will read between the lines and know very well what really happened. You don’t need to push that point, so keep it neutral as you suggest.

The other mother seems manipulative and without boundaries. Long term, I think you’ll do everyone a favour if you stay open and honest and refuse to play her games. My concern would be that, otherwise, you will be a conduit and if there are difficulties, you’ll be the one blamed. If you are always honest and transparent, and DS/GF know you are, the other mother won’t be able to make trouble between you.

This woman is trying to control you, as she has tried to control and manipulate her daughter.
Don’t let her.

Continue your relationship with your son, his girlfriend and your grandchild and let her reap what she’s sown in terms of her relationship with her daughter.

I think you should let the girl know you’ve spoken to her mum. I think you should block her mum’s number and the mum can contact her dd direct. Carry on supporting them and back them up on not allowing sleepovers if they aren’t happy to do this.

I am going to tell her on Friday when I see her but I am going to do it in a really neutral, look gf your mom gave me a call Sunday after you left mine. Didn't want to tell you over message but nothing to worry about, she was worried about DS and his job I think but she was a bit worried you would be upset if she contacted me but had a general chat but I didn't want to keep it from you sort of thing.

I don't agree and will absolutely support her on the sleep over thing. At first when DGS was born it worried her as my other DGS stayed at ours a lot when he was younger and from a very young age. I think she was worried that either we would expect the same from her lo or we wouldn't feel he was as special.

Every time she mentioned it I would just keep saying the same thing, I wasn't ready to leave DS at that age. He didn't stay at his Grannies until he was 8. It doesn't matter to us if he never stays, I joked about not having him until he sleeps through etc. She asked me to have him once and DS called me within 30 minutes asking if they could have him back as GF was crying, I went straight back handed him over and gave her a hug as she thought I would be disappointed and reassured her it was fine. I have had him for the day the other week as her, DS and my DH were all out for the day but it honestly makes no odds to me if I see him on his own or with GF or DS or both. My DM and DD had great relationship with their DGC, some stayed with them some didn't til much older but didn't seem to impact on the dynamics really.

She has said stuff to me over the years and since having LO about her mom but tbf I haven't had any interaction with her mom before at all so didn't want to judge but don't want to be put in awkward position because of her either.

Block the crazy DM.

I think you need to be simpler and more honest about the phone call. If you try to downplay it and be neutral, it won't sound honest given that she knows her mum.

If you say 'Just to let you know, your mum rang and was quite upset. I know you'd rather know than me say nothing.'
She's likely to ask what was said, and your answer would be 'she felt she doesn't see you enough. Obviously, I'll support you however you want to handle it. Only see her if you want to. You don't need to call her.'

I don't think you should have secrets from your ds or gf.
You feel awful about not telling them that she has called you and want to use you to spy on them.
If they find out they will lose trust in you and your lovely relationship will be spoiled.
You sound lovely so don't talk to her toxic mother.

The only way to deal with the girlfriend's mother is to be totally above board with her and state really clearly that you won't keep secrets and you won't promise to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Obvs that ship has sailed on the first telephone conversation but make it really, really clear next time she speaks to you and asks you to keep a secret or do something you don't want to so. 'No, I'm not going to do that.' Doesn't have to be confrontational, you can say it really calmly.

Her disappointment over your lovely, committed hard working son is really not your problem!

You sound lovely. Keep doing what you're doing, just with an added layer of 'no, mad witch lady, I will not do that thank you. It makes me uncomfortable and I think it would be wrong.'

You owe the mil nothing. If someone wanted me to secretly report on anybody, never mind our family, I'd say..."I won't mention your phone call this one time, only. But I won't be reporting their business to you, if I am asked if we spoke, I am not lying for you or anybody. I am not going to be caught up in others relationships, period. I wish you luck, I am sure with patience, love and understanding, and encouragement, things will improve between you" .