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Original poster

Starting over again at 37

18 replies

notsureanymore99 · 04/04/2022 23:14

I need to leave my current relationship as it’s going nowhere but I am getting a tight chest over the thought of starting over yet again. Another heartache. Another break up. Only now I’m nearly 40 and want to find a husband and start a family. It’s not going to happen, is it? I’m devastated and alone. My life has entirely changed due to the pandemic.

OP posts:
Anthurium · 05/04/2022 01:37

I divorced aged 36 and spent the next few years dating trying desperately to meet someone suitable to have a child with!. Although I met a couple of nice men, the majority of my experience of dating as a woman in her mid 30s was depressing, anxious ridden times! With the two men I'd dated, a combination of being at different life stages/trauma from previous relationships meant none of it worked out. I was also extremely focused on the end goal which for me was to have a child/children.

Aged 39 I decided after a lot of consideration to go at it alone. I realised that to continue "looking" for a partner was too soul destroying, time consuming and I genuinely couldn't stomach the idea of settling for someone that I didn't fancy only for it to break down a few years down the line, and I knew that fertility is finite whereas meeting a partner can be done at any stage of life. So I went down the sperm donor route (IVF) and my 4 month old son is fast asleep next to me. Being a solo parent by choice is the most empowering decision I've ever made in my life. Life is far more enriching than I'd ever expected it to be, and even on some tough days (and of course there are some!), I've not regretted my decision once. I genuinely love my life now and share my son's milestones with my family and friends. Dating with pressure for the relationship to "go somewhere" ie. escalate it to marriages and children is very different from meeting someone and letting things develop without pressure.

If I were you, I'd get an MOT done on your fertility (at a private fertility clinic, or at your GP surgery), so you know where you stand currently and can then make informed decisions. I'd also ask myself "what is more important, a child or a partner?" You may not have the luxury of time to find both rolled onto one, so by deciding this will help you manage your expectations.

Lady1576 · 05/04/2022 01:59

My ex-husband left me aged 36ish and now at 39 I am remarried with a lovely kind, husband and 2 wonderful babies. I did have a switch flick in my head when he left me, telling myself I would not let this ruin my life. I therefore instinctively changed my approach to dating / romance and did what some might call ‘settling’. I call it choosing someone who actually liked me and who wanted the same things in life.

Xfan · 05/04/2022 11:57

As per @Lady1576

Adjust your expectations of a man/relationship and you're likely to find someone but prepared to compromise

Original poster
notsureanymore99 · 05/04/2022 12:25

This is what’s putting me off starting again
I’m already compromising with this guy
And I wouldn’t want to go it alone

OP posts:
Musttryharder2021 · 05/04/2022 12:45

In that case leaving motherhood up to chance hasn't worked so far, has it, and if you aren't prepared to go at it alone you risk losing out on being a parent. It's as simple as that. Of course you may get very lucky and meet someone but then why hasn't it happened already?

ClaudiaHoops · 05/04/2022 12:48

You'll be ok. Have yourself a baby, it sounds like you really want to be a mother. Try and have baby with a bloke you want to stay with but if it doesn't work at least you'll have your beautiful kids. Just look all over the relationship section of MN there are plenty of mums in unhappy relationships.

Raiseyourhand · 05/04/2022 12:53

I left my relationship of 12 years at 36 met an absolute diamond of a guy and now I’m 9 weeks pregnant and turned 39 a couple of months ago. I left everything behind, my house, money, dog, possessions. I could have stayed in this abusive relationship forever depressed and run down but I took the chance. I’m so glad I left.

Original poster
notsureanymore99 · 05/04/2022 13:17

Musttryharder202 because I don’t want to settle for an abuser or time waster

OP posts:
Arewethebadguys · 05/04/2022 13:17

@Lady1576

My ex-husband left me aged 36ish and now at 39 I am remarried with a lovely kind, husband and 2 wonderful babies. I did have a switch flick in my head when he left me, telling myself I would not let this ruin my life. I therefore instinctively changed my approach to dating / romance and did what some might call ‘settling’. I call it choosing someone who actually liked me and who wanted the same things in life.
Same. Except my husband is by far the kindest person I've ever met. He's the person I didn't know I needed but I wouldn't be without him.

Single again at 35 then met my partner, now married with 2 kids.

This crossroads in your life is an opportunity OP. Decide what you want and go for it!

Musttryharder2021 · 05/04/2022 13:43

@notsureanymore99

Musttryharder202 because I don’t want to settle for an abuser or time waster
@notsureanymore99It

It doesn't have to be an abuser or a time waster probably the sort of guy you wouldn't have touched with a barge pole in your 20s and doesn't give you fancy flutters but is loyal, kind and wants a family.

Musttryharder2021 · 05/04/2022 13:45

*Fanny flutters rather Grin

HM15 · 05/04/2022 14:59

You still have time Daffodil

Musttryharder2021 · 05/04/2022 15:42

@HM15

You still have time Daffodil
@HM15 What makes you say that for sure? To have children it might already be too late impossible to know for certain as the only way to know it isn't if she got pregnant and there was a live birth. As for meeting someone, that isn't time sensitive, so yes there's time for that
dumdumduuuummmmm · 05/04/2022 17:23

@Lady1576

My ex-husband left me aged 36ish and now at 39 I am remarried with a lovely kind, husband and 2 wonderful babies. I did have a switch flick in my head when he left me, telling myself I would not let this ruin my life. I therefore instinctively changed my approach to dating / romance and did what some might call ‘settling’. I call it choosing someone who actually liked me and who wanted the same things in life.
And @Xfan what exactly do you mean by 'settling'?
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 05/04/2022 17:27

@Anthurium

I divorced aged 36 and spent the next few years dating trying desperately to meet someone suitable to have a child with!. Although I met a couple of nice men, the majority of my experience of dating as a woman in her mid 30s was depressing, anxious ridden times! With the two men I'd dated, a combination of being at different life stages/trauma from previous relationships meant none of it worked out. I was also extremely focused on the end goal which for me was to have a child/children.

Aged 39 I decided after a lot of consideration to go at it alone. I realised that to continue "looking" for a partner was too soul destroying, time consuming and I genuinely couldn't stomach the idea of settling for someone that I didn't fancy only for it to break down a few years down the line, and I knew that fertility is finite whereas meeting a partner can be done at any stage of life. So I went down the sperm donor route (IVF) and my 4 month old son is fast asleep next to me. Being a solo parent by choice is the most empowering decision I've ever made in my life. Life is far more enriching than I'd ever expected it to be, and even on some tough days (and of course there are some!), I've not regretted my decision once. I genuinely love my life now and share my son's milestones with my family and friends. Dating with pressure for the relationship to "go somewhere" ie. escalate it to marriages and children is very different from meeting someone and letting things develop without pressure.

If I were you, I'd get an MOT done on your fertility (at a private fertility clinic, or at your GP surgery), so you know where you stand currently and can then make informed decisions. I'd also ask myself "what is more important, a child or a partner?" You may not have the luxury of time to find both rolled onto one, so by deciding this will help you manage your expectations.

Congratulations to you and your lovely little boy.
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 05/04/2022 17:27

@Anthurium

I divorced aged 36 and spent the next few years dating trying desperately to meet someone suitable to have a child with!. Although I met a couple of nice men, the majority of my experience of dating as a woman in her mid 30s was depressing, anxious ridden times! With the two men I'd dated, a combination of being at different life stages/trauma from previous relationships meant none of it worked out. I was also extremely focused on the end goal which for me was to have a child/children.

Aged 39 I decided after a lot of consideration to go at it alone. I realised that to continue "looking" for a partner was too soul destroying, time consuming and I genuinely couldn't stomach the idea of settling for someone that I didn't fancy only for it to break down a few years down the line, and I knew that fertility is finite whereas meeting a partner can be done at any stage of life. So I went down the sperm donor route (IVF) and my 4 month old son is fast asleep next to me. Being a solo parent by choice is the most empowering decision I've ever made in my life. Life is far more enriching than I'd ever expected it to be, and even on some tough days (and of course there are some!), I've not regretted my decision once. I genuinely love my life now and share my son's milestones with my family and friends. Dating with pressure for the relationship to "go somewhere" ie. escalate it to marriages and children is very different from meeting someone and letting things develop without pressure.

If I were you, I'd get an MOT done on your fertility (at a private fertility clinic, or at your GP surgery), so you know where you stand currently and can then make informed decisions. I'd also ask myself "what is more important, a child or a partner?" You may not have the luxury of time to find both rolled onto one, so by deciding this will help you manage your expectations.

Congratulations to you and your lovely little boy.
Xfan · 05/04/2022 18:31

@dumdumduuuummmmm

And @Xfan what exactly do you mean by 'settling'

So accepting the fact that the men you're likely to meet in your late 30s aren't the kind of men you'd envisaged yourself marrying. The sort of men you may have even felt sad for in your 20s because you thought you could do better. Their physical attributes wouldn't be very attractive to you but their personality once considered boring is now highly prized

Lady1576 · 10/04/2022 07:20

@Xfan
Exactly that! Used to gravitate to edgy men who were not that interested in me or in a family. Finally woke up to that. My current husband is just as interesting, talented, funny etc as them but women didn’t look twice at him for a long time.

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