How did/ do you navigate a relationship with a man who has been abused ?

[nostalgiafortheninties]

Emotionally, physically and once sexually?
He can be jumpy. He stalls before he answers a question not knowing the right thing to say.

Finds my
Independence not so much threatening as unusual. His life was controlled . He was isolated from Family and friends.

I know he enjoys his freedom now but when I tell him my plans he is absolutely ok but he finds it hard to be straight up eg if he wants to do something with friends or family, he is reluctant to spit it out , but almost skirts around it even though I'm
All for him doing his own thing??

Shameless bump . There must be someone !

He’s clearly afraid of confrontation or voicing his own thoughts and feelings as he was never allowed those growing up. Is he in therapy to help unlock this? With time this might get better but if he won’t address it in therapy and there are issues, then you may have a problem.

‘Women are not rehabilitation centres for men’

Thanks @

@Mumof3confused . Really interesting ..@Loopytiles is this the best you can offer ? Unhelpful at best !

I think therapy could help, if he doesn't already have it?

[quote nostalgiafortheninties]**@Mumof3confused* . Really interesting ..@Loopytiles* is this the best you can offer ? Unhelpful at best ![/quote]
It's true though. You may find yourself s bit out of your depth or eventually immensely irritated.

He needs to take the steps to heal on his own and build his confidence. You can support him but you can't fix him. I'm not usually one to recommend therapy for shit but it would be a start.

[quote nostalgiafortheninties]**@Mumof3confused* . Really interesting ..@Loopytiles* is this the best you can offer ? Unhelpful at best ![/quote]
It's true.

It's his responsibility to sort out his own issues that impact on him, his ability to form relationships, his communication style etc.

Not yours.

Loopytiles is spot on.

Is he in therapy?

Not intended to be unhelpful.

Your post implies that some of his behaviour towards you is odd at best, eg being ‘jumpy’, evasive, not responding to reasonable Qs/conversation. Finding you doing ordinary things ‘unusual’ and expressing this (which implies he doesn’t ‘see’ that it’s not unusual). Which sounds like hard work.

Do you find him good company, treating you well, fine in company with others etc?

It sounds like rather than considering what he offers as a boyfriend and your own interests you’re trying to help him. His issues are for him to work on, or not, as he decides.

Thanks. I'm not trying to heal him, I'm wondering how to navigate the relationship.
I have no problem supporting him but yes, he has. Had therapy.

I knew a man who had been through this ( never a partner ) he even at the age of 50 is still mentally fragile . Had been a drinker throughout his life , sometimes secretly whilst telling others he's a non drinker . Seems to lurch from one disaster to another . Expects help to sort out his life , but doesn't help himself most times . Nice enough bloke but has and will always have his demons .
I hope the man you know will get / has received the help he needs.

The ‘navigating’ thing seems a problem, unless you mean highlighting things he’s doing that are unhelpful, for him to address? You’ve described some of his behaviours that don’t sound great, for you.

OP, relationships aren't obstacle courses, or treacherous sandbars. Why the fixation with 'navigation'?

Been there. Done that. My advice? Go dinner rather than later, that way you avoid both the turning on you AND the tortuous wasted years.
Just a suggestion.

And loopholes is spot on. Wish I'd heard that earlier in my life. I might have won back some of those 15 years.

Sorry Loopytiles. Autocorrect thought it knew better

• go sooner. Not dinner. Ffs, I give up

For his own sake, never mind yours, he should be getting some professional help. He doesn’t sound ready for a relationship and the new issues a relationship is causing him may set him back even further.

Has he been in a healthy relationship? How did he manage to keep himself and the relationship healthy and strong if he has? Is that something you can achieve together or are there areas there you can’t compromise on?

Get out. My dad was abused growing up and is an awful partner because he's never dealt with his trauma and the way he reacts to things. He's alone (apart from his wife), angry and miserable. He isolates himself and isn't direct. He's depressed and struggles. It's very sad, however he's responsible for how he acts now and choosing to stay stuck there.

I'm not saying if you were abused you can't be good in relationships, but if you have a whole load of triggers and haven't committed to doing the inner work (one round of therapy will not be enough) then you aren't going to make a good partner.

This man will end up deeply irritating you OP.

He doesn't sound ready for a healthy, 'normal' relationship. He maybe never will be, which is incredibly sad, but that's where the point comes in about not being a rehab centre. You don't have to subsume your relationship needs to fix someone else. You can choose to be single or to find someone else.

It's not all on you, the socialisation on everyone to be coupled up is enormous but the older I get and the more I see, hear and read I just think it doesn't always actually serve us as people. Easy to say, I know.

My advice would be to be very aware of covert narcissists.
Having lived it, for a long time.