LDR and I have children

[AppleStrudel87]

Hello,

Sorry this is a rather long post...

I have a boyfriend that I met through mutual friends. We've been together since August 2021 but we're long distance. We live 2 hours away from each other and I have two children from a previous marriage.
Everything seemed so good, we are very different people but we have a lot in common. But the long distance is hard. Trying to keep that connection going has been really tough for us recently. We have been trying to see each other every other weekend. Whenever we are in his area (where our mutual friends are) we have a great time and socialise a lot. I saw myself moving back to the area (I used to live there many years ago) and starting a new life with him in 6 months to a year or so.
But we went on a ski holiday a few weeks ago, I was learning and found it hard work. Plus I was on my period so very emotional. PMS really affects me. Plus we had my children there so we didn't get to connect properly and have one and one time. But again, I didn't think it meant we had problems that couldn't be sorted.
A couple of weeks ago he started acting very distant from me, not so many calls/texts. I didn't feel like his girlfriend anymore. I called him and told him if everything was ok. In a nutshell it isn't, he feels we're so different and didn't enjoy the holiday. Although I know that shouldn't be a basis for evening it should it? When we saw each other this weekend we had a great time and did lots of stuff together to see if we wanted to continue. I know I still did. He said he had a great time but still doing the distance hard and didn't feel connected, but I know this was because we couldn't be 100% natural with each other as there was this sort of pressure to try to make it work. Also I was scared to get too close in case it ended, I couldn't relax properly.
But basically we spoke at the end of yesterday and he didn't want to end it, but didn't see a future where it works. He doesn't want to leave his area but I have two children to think of. I only want to move them if it's 100% right for us. But struggling to do long distance but not ready to commit to living together. I basically ended up finishing things as he wouldn't end it but he also didn't know how it was going to work. We struggled to come up with a plan. So I said maybe it's best we end it. We both cried and said goodbye.
But I'm having doubts today about whether I made the right decision. I love him and want to make it work. But he needs to feel the same. How do we make it work? Can we? How do we manage quality time together without making the big step yet to move in.
We will also see each other again anyway due to mutual friends and me spending a lot of time in his area. I just want to call him and try to give it more time, I just can't help thinking we should give it more time. I feel so lost without him. The future I thought I would have has all fallen apart.
Any advice is appreciated, or anyone in a similar situation who can guide me a little. Thank you! Apologies for the essay!

I think you made the right decision. He was clearly having doubts. What is meant for you won’t pass you by so if it’s meant to be it will happen.

Taking on two children is also a huge commitment

I agree he was. But we're both struggling with the break up. I caved and just called him, as I just wasn't feeling confident in my decision. He said we can continue to stay together, I want to, but we need a plan and a solution to the distance etc...
So any ideas are welcome. I want it to work but managing quality time with kids and where we're going to live is so hard.

I think LDRs are really hard. Ok for a short time but not long term. It sounds like the relationship has run its course. Sorry OP

If you are BOTH really committed, then this will work. Every other weekend is a time to make up for the two weeks in between. Then you can have holidays/city breaks perhaps. Please don't move in with him. It won't be fair on your children. Just give it time to see if he is as committed as you. If the love is there on both sides, then you will both get through this until a time when you can make a decision. Good luck darling x

It was a bit of a crazy first time holiday choice - 2 kids and you've never been skiing before. Who's choice was that?
Has he got any kids?
Tbh, you sound keen to move to his area but you've only been seeing him 7 mths and for EOW at that. It's far too soon to be thinking he is the one and uprooting the kids in 6mths/12mths. Slow down. If it's meant to be then everything will work out in time.

Sorry I didn't mention it Walkingalot, but we actually were friends before. We have known each other for a few years. We decided to get together 7 months ago. Also I wouldn't move in with him for another year probably as I would want to make sure it was right. But we both need to want to do that and put the effort in now for that outcome.
I agree, not the best first family holiday idea! It was his, he loves skiing.

Thanks Copper3, I agree with everything you have said. I also think the same thing. We need to always have something planned in regularly that we can do together. He is also so good with my children.

I don’t think you should be thinking in terms of moving in, or timescales for that, honestly.

Where does your DC’s father live? He has them EOW presumably? Moving 2 hours away from him is an issue.

Does your boyfriend ever visit you at your place? Or is it all on his terms in his area with mutual friends?

Long distance relationships can work, but they’re very dependent on complete honesty from the outset.

I have been in a LDR for 9 years now because I stayed here after my divorce because of my DS, and because he has a very niche job which isn’t transferable. But we do see each other every weekend.

But I was absolutely clear from the outset that my child came first and that any relationship I had was dependent on me not moving because my child’s father lives here. And this was before me and DP got together.

And for a lot of people that works because you both know where you stand. But for a lot of people it just doesn’t work because they want more and they don’t want to wait for it.

And those people aren’t wrong, it’s just that ldr doesn’t work for everyone and that’s ok.

Presumably your children’s father lives nearby if you don’t have them every other weekend, in which case you would IMO be wrong to move them hours away, because that will affect their relationship with their father, and their relationship with him is more important than your relationship with your bf.

If you’re already both struggling with the distance then it may be that ldr just isn’t for you. But if you want to be together then you have to live in the times you have, and not over-think the rest, and what’s meant to be will be.

I agree with that actually. Too much pressure is not a good thing. Better to see how it goes and set no time scales.

He does come to visit me frequently too, we try and keep it even. He has come to stay with me for a a good few days at a time as he knows I have the children and it's easier sometimes.

As for the Children’s dad, he already lives 2 and half hours away from us. We do handover's halfway. The distance would be no further away if I was to move.